Yesterday I was annoyed and sick of being alone. All my so called friends claimed they were busy and I found out that a few of them lied to me. Just great..
Anyway I was laying in bed listening to music, when this over powering urge came over me. I was so stressed and couldn't bare anything any longer, so even though I haven't cut for months, I ruined that all with one slash to my leg. I cried afterward and said to myself "Why the hell did I do that." Then I got a text from my friend, saying something I didn't want to hear. So I cut again. I have four cuts on my leg near my knee.
I can't bare the thought that I cut again but at the time that's all that I thought I could do to fix my pain. I hate having that mentality, it sounds horrid. I just want to emphasize that I am in NO WAY suicidal.. I just.. It's complicated. A few friends know, but I haven't told them I started cutting again. Hopefully I can beat the urge again.
Today has been better. Much more stress free. I have a few projects I need to do for school so hopefully that will let me ignore the thoughts of loneliness.
I understand. I used to be a cutter, then I quit yet relapsed a few times. It's been over a yr and I don't have those desires anymore. It seems that I am depressed and don't have the energy to cut plus I'm tired of hiding the cuts. I'd rather sleep and pretend my life doesn't hurt. But when I was super down and out the other day NO ONE, not even my mom was there for me. I suffer from bi-polar II and anxiety so I'd rather just OD on meds since I'm such a nuisance to others. I wish people would be there for you when you need them. But remind yourself of how long you've gone without and that this was only one
minor slipup. It does no good to be too hard on yourself. Celebrate the small wins too!
Yes, we should celebrate the our successes, no matter how small. You are right for saying that. We all need encouragement to stop being our own worst critics,therefore, enemies.
Hey Forgetlove,
I am so sorry that you cut. I also was cutter, but thankfully have not done it in years. You have become so used to using that as your coping mechanism that you are unsure how else to get out your frustrations and pain.
First of all, it has nothing to do with you, that your friends couldn't meet you. Please don't think it was, don't absorb that negativity into yourself...it's not fair on you.
And I don't know what your friend text you, but you really have to figure out how is this making me feel? And what would be a better way to express my feelings?
Are you going to therapy hun, if not I hope you consider it, because it is excellent and really helps you go inside yourself and figure out what's going on inside.