I just feel so tired today. Tired inside. Tired in my heart. Even deeper than that. Just so very tired of this life. The loneliness. Of turning to talk to someone who isn't there. Of wanting to hug, and be hugged, by someone who is never here. I just want to close my eyes, and leave, and not be an annoyance to anyone at all anymore ....
You are not an annoyance. You are tired and alone. You need love and affection and this is completely normal. You miss things that can not be bought. You are a normal human being. There are other people around you who feel exactly like you but they don't say it because they think exactly like you do. I know what you are going through. If you want to talk to someone and no one is there, you can talk to yourself. I found this actually much more valuable than talking to other people. If you want a hug and no one is there you can hug yourself with a blanket. I know that those might sound crazy and they are not solutions for a life time. But they can ease away the pain. They can give you strength to move on and find the people who actually are looking for you and you have given up on them. I hope I haven't offended you in any way. you can talk to me even though you don't know me. I am here. You are not alone
@friendlyface Huh, it’s strange, when someone says that needing love and affection is completely normal, because for all my life I’ve always been told, and shown, that it is not normal for me to want it, or need it, let alone actually get to experience it. Yes, I am tired. And alone. And tired of being alone. I talk to myself, but for me it doesn’t replace what it must be like to have someone to talk with, someone to share thoughts and ideas and dreams with. Someone to debate with, and even disagree with. Someone to laugh with. I’ve never really had those things in my life. Sometimes I hug a pillow, or even an 8-pack of toilet paper. Sometimes even in the shops. They are the only things I am allowed to hug. But they aren’t any substitute for what a real hug must feel like. What a cuddle must feel like. What it must be like to feel someone next to you. Again, I’ve never had those things in my life. I’m an annoyance because nobody wants to do any of these things with me. Nobody wants to hear about it. Nobody wants to talk with me, be seen with me, share anything with me. Nobody wants to help. I’m an annoyance because I just won’t accept the way things are and shut up and disappear. I’m an annoyance because I want what everyone else gets as completely normal. I’m an annoyance because I just want someone to try, with me, and because I just want a chance.
Talk with us here. You are not an annoyance. Do you have a pet? Can you possibly adopt one? Not as a substitute for human relationships; having an animal to hug and pet and nurture can improve the mood and put a person in a better mindset.
@Eyni The last 4 years are the only time in my life that I haven’t had a pet. I’ve mostly had cats (I’m more of a cat person), but I’ve had dogs as well. I know some people say that walking a dog helps to meet people, but, when I had dogs I never found that to be the case. And pets, really, never decreased the loneliness for me. When my last cat died 4 years ago, I had to go through that, taking him to the vet for the last time, on my own, and I don’t think I could go through that alone again.
Being alone can be so demoralizing. But maybe you already have some relationships in your life that can be more deeply developed. Don't you bowl in a league? Perhaps there are some people in your league you could get to know better, become closer too? Maybe after bowling invite one to a drink or meal after? Or an extra night of bowling during the week?
And maybe someone where you work you could get to know better?
I do think a pet would be a good idea. Yes, they do die and we have to deal with that, but in the meantime, they offer much love and caring and entertainment. Think how much fun a new kitten can be! And it gives you something to talk about with others.
@citizenm I’ve been going to the bowling league for 10 or 11 years now, and I don’t have any friends there. I’ve tried talking to the people there, I say a friendly “hello” or “good morning” with a smile when I get there. But never get any in return. I’ve asked some in my team, and in the opposition teams, if they would like to get a drink afterwards, or lunch at the cafe at the centre, but just get ignored or told to f*** off. You can’t talk to people who don’t want to talk to you. You can’t be friends with people who make it clear that they don’t want to be friends with you, or even know you. Even the staff that work there are always quite friendly with the others there, but are always very curt and terse with me.
That’s how it is everywhere I go. Even online. There’s nobody else to talk with (apart from therapists and doctors). Huh, that’s why I’m here, after all.
Let me start off by staying some of what I say might sound harsh, but it is really coming from a place of love. It might not sound that way to begin with, but really it is.
A pet will not change your struggle. A new hobby or trying to make new friends might help a little, but probably not. Why?
Because loneliness is not a condition of being alone. Many people could be completely alone the rest of their life and be perfectly OK with it, and not feel lonely. Then there are people surrounded by people who feel lonely all the time.
So loneliness is a mental deviation. Not saying you are crazy just that it is a mental/ emotional loneliness, not physical loneness.
So why are you lonely? Often loneliness is a sign that something in our life needs to change, and we are just avoiding it. Start analyzing what you feel lonely for. Was someone you were close to lost that triggered the feelings of loneliness? Do you really just fear that you will never have a relationship, or that if you did they would just leave too?
Many people who think they are lonely really are terrified that they will never meet and keep a spouse of close friends. Which only makes them seem clingy and unattractive to befriend or date. This causes you to perpetuate the cycle and feel bad that no one likes you and that you feel not good enough.
You need to stop thinking that another person will make you feel better about yourself. You need to talk to you therapist, who I know you don’t like much, about ways you can feel better about yourself. Don’t focus on getting another person into your life to make you feel better. Focus on being OK alone, and liking yourself, and then you will attract the right kind of people.
I have struggled with loneliness a lot in my life, and I am supposedly always around people. I have only recently begun to embrace being alone. And I like it. I do want to eventually have someone permanent in my life, but I want someone worthy of me, not just another person who treats me bad.
I realize I have to be OK with me, before I can expect others to be OK with me.
I have always strived to fit out, not to fit in, so it is really lonely. I am an intense person. And I force people to deal with their issues head on, no enabling, but I will be there for people as they struggle. I also have “unusual” beliefs about food and, health care, and spirituality, politics, the environment, and so on. So it is hard to find anyone to just be accepting of what I believe and let me be, let alone someone who agrees with even 50% of what I do.
I do a lot to meet people and work on my social skills. And I have been beaten down so much that it is hard. Bit I see the awkwardness and loneliness I still feel as a means to an end. I am alone now, and it is awkward now, but eventually if I keep doing it; it will get less so, and then I will meet a person who is good enough.
And I might not find the perfect (for me) person the first few attempts, and I can just keep them as friends or get them out of my life, and then eventually I will find the person I want and deserve. But I refuse to settle, which is what many lonely people do. They settle for who wants to be with them, and that is usually someone who abuses them.
You have to learn to love you before anyone good enough for you will love you back. It is cliché for a reason.
@phdchick Well, the only person who can tell if you love yourself is you. Nobody else can, or should, judge that. If someone is telling you that you need to love yourself first, or more, then that says more about their own prejudices and superficialities, than it does about you.
If I didn’t love myself, I would have given up a long, long time ago. Sometimes I still think it might be the only way out, but that I am still here fighting, and trying, shows, to me, that I love myself quite well thanks. No, I’m not perfect. Nobody is. I’ve got faults, and I’ve got baggage, just like everyone else. I guess that’s something that makes this so hard to understand actually. I’m trying to change a part of me that I don’t like, but it’s a part that requires the involvement of someone else. It just does. You can’t end loneliness alone. Loneliness doesn’t go away by still being lonely. Yes, some people are still lonely in relationships and with friends. At least they have the option to leave those things. I don’t. I can’t wake up in the morning and decide not to be lonely, because it is there. Always.
But I’m OK with me. Me the person. I’m just not OK with the loneliness.
Sorry I haven't messaged you lately been down lately
@Lilblutoad I hope you feel better soon
I know just what you're feeling. Just this morning, I was wishing I could just fade away and disappear, since nobody seems to want or need me here. I feel like I keep reaching out and nobody reaches back. Things seemed better when I didn't want or need anyone, but I wanted to have a more open heart and see if I could find love and friends and joy. I was better off alone, maybe. At least I could depend on myself. Cucuboth, I'm sending you a virtual hug right now!
@JJonz Thanks for the hug. I hope you feel better today.
That’s how I feel sometimes too. Right now though, I’d probably just be better off dead. Better for everyone … I wouldn’t be an annoyance, nobody would have to worry about touching me or looking at me. Would just be best for all concerned probably. Seems to be what everyone is waiting for anyway.
Hi Cucuboth, it's a long time I don't speak with you, I hope today you feel better. Maybe you should consider to have a dog and perhaps you can meet someone while you walk the dog down the street. You wouldn't be embarrased since you have a perfect excuse to go away. Perhaps there are good parks out there to enjoy the landscapes. Anyway, I think you shouldn't stay at home long periods of time and walking down the street, parks and going away will help you to feel better. Also consider to chat with people in internet as is less personal and easier, if you fail to approach someone is easier to find another one. If you have a job, you may consider to speak with a co-worker and ask him/her for help. We are here to support you and speak with you as well. Well my english sucks but I will try to do my best, LOL.
@Jorge_ChemE I’ve had dogs before, and never found that it helped in meeting people while taking them for a walk.
I find trying to find someone to chat with on the internet is just as difficult as trying to find someone to talk with in ‘real life’. I don’t seem to fit in anywhere online either, or find anywhere where I am accepted. Nobody seems to like talking to a single, 40 year old Australian.
Hi Cucuboth725 I'm a few days late and not normally a hugger but I'll give you a hug :) A long, cuddly hug :) That's not right that you have to hug toilet rolls. A teddy bear is better. That's what I hug when I really need it. I don't mind hugs but I need to speak to people more than get a hug but the feeling is exactly the same when you are lacking that need, so I'm right with you. Have you heard of the five love languages?
@Windsong47 Yeah, I’ve heard of the five languages of love, and have taken one of those online tests. Equal first were Physical Touch and Quality Time (no surprises there), then Words of Affirmation. Then Acts of Service, and last was Receiving Gifts.
I am very sorry you had a bad session with your therapist. why was it bad?
@norseduncan It was a bad session because the therapist doesn’t think that things are going to get any better. She thinks I won’t have friends, that I’ll never have a relationship, and if I want any conversation or physical contact with someone, I’ll have to pay for it. Any of it. She thinks that that is the only way I will ever find any ‘connection’ with anyone, because it hasn’t happened yet at 40. She’s not very encouraging, and not supportive about what’s important to me, at all. Yet I know if I stop seeing her, I’ll just go back on the therapy round-a-bout, back to the same therapists I’ve already been to, to be given the same advice over and over and over again that has never worked before. It’s one of the things with loneliness (at least here in Australia) is that nobody really seems to take it seriously, not even therapists.