Well… english is not my first language, sorry for the grammar mistakes, I’ll try to do my best. Em… here I go:
First of all I don’t live with my parents, I’m studying in a different city. Now, the whole problem began when my younger brother “came out” to my parents last semester. I arrived to my parent’s house two days after this event. My dad told me when we were in the car (my dad and me only) about it and he was really worried, he wanted me to talk with my brother about it (about what? None of us really knew). Anyway, he told me how the whole thing happened, how he told them, how my mom cried all night, how he could not concentrate about anything the next morning and had to leave his work to… well… clear his mind or something. They didn’t knew what to do, so they relied on me (the other secretly gay son). I talked with my brother one night, he kind of told me how the whole thing happened, but he didn’t really open to me, plus he doesn’t know about me being gay. This whole thing allowed me to see the perception of my parents on the matter, and although they didn’t really got angry, they are indeed sad… really disappointed. They didn’t accept my brother’s homosexuality, the act like if nothing had happened, and so does my brother, sometimes I think he believes that I ignored the whole situation as well.
Why is this relevant? Because he lives with me now, and every day he reminds me about my whole situation. To clear something, I am not openly gay, I don’t feel comfortable with the idea yet, and no, I don’t like the fact that I’m gay, it brings too much trouble in my life, with my friends, and with my family. Second of all (and this is the stupidest thing, and yet the most relevant), mm… I’m just going to say it as it is.
First point: I was circumcised
Second point: no one ever talked to me about it; I eventually discovered what this was.
Why is this relevant? Because since I can remember I’ve always felt different (where I come from something like circumcision is very uncommon, and is a topic that is hardly ever mentioned, and my parents never did). My friends and my brother where different than me, and I never knew why until I was like… well… I don’t know, like 15 or something, and still then I knew very little about it. I’ve feared everything about sex since then, and still today I feel a combination of fear and disgust for any kind of sexual feeling in me (and no, it has nothing to do with religion and stuff like that). Driven by my curiosity (and complete ignorant on almost everything that had to do with sex) I secretly looked for something that eventually I came to realized it was some sort of child pornography (I was not looking for such a thing, I just wanted visual information about how an uncircumcised penis looked like, I didn’t really knew what I was getting into), any way, when this happened I was studying in USA with my uncle and my aunt… eventually the found out, and they freaked out (who wouldn’t) my parents went crazy and my dad yield at me for hours that night. When I finally realized why I was being punished (I first though it was just because there where pictures of naked people, not because there was something called pedophilia). And since then I did felt like I was a pedophile (no, I never saw porn like that again… I hardly saw any porn in my teenage time anyway), but still the feeling crept into my conscience and for some years I felt like a monster, like something low and horrible, I could not forgive myself, I was a pedophile, a homosexual, and anatomically a freak. The images of what I saw back then (and with the present context) still come back from time to time and makes me feel like I want to simply cry (and vomit). I still can’t be near a kid without feeling like crap, like if I’m dangerous or something. This whole confusion, this lack of information, drove me to a failed suicide attempt when I was mm… 17-18 years old. Long-story-short, I went to the kitchen at night (can’t remember the time), took a bottle of aspirins and I swallowed most of them (yes… it was a stupid attempt, but I thought that any pill in many numbers might do the job). Anyway, I went to sleep hopping not to wake up… which I did and felt like crap the whole day (I don’t remember most of that morning, I do remember to have passed out in my bed when I tried to wake up for school). No one around me knows about it, they though I simply woke up sick that day. Anyway, I’m not suicidal anymore, I do love myself (most of myself), I have expectations, a love helping others, and I really enjoy my life and my luck. But back to reality, things are obviously not “ok” yet.
Anyhow, I do feel like I want to be with someone from time to time, I don’t mean a partner of any kind (nor sex), no, I would really like that at least one of my friends knew about this, that he/she would rip this whole thing out o f my mouth, and at the same time I don’t want anyone near me and my life to know about it (…that’s probably why I’m sharing this here). Well, maybe some friends know or suspect that I’m gay (although most of them assume that I’m asexual), but I don’t care that much about that, I wish I could tell them how sometimes life suddenly has no meaning (event though I really strive to give life some kind of charm), how much I fear that my brother doesn’t live and enjoy his sexuality in a full (and responsible) way… if he really is gay. I just want everyone to be happy so maybe I could feel ok about all this, I want to feel like all I’ve just said is irrelevant in my life and that there are far more important and fulfilling things in my life.
I do hate all this, I hate to feel that for my brother to be able to live his homosexuality I must sacrifice mine to let my parents feel like they still have a son that can keep up with their standard (they’re great people, not very strict, and surprisingly flexible… but homosexuality is not their thing). I hate that even if I do accept it I can’t really live it, it makes me sick, it makes me sad, and no matter how much I try to distract myself with things (no, not drugs or anything like that) it’s still a reality I can’t ignore or forget.
I know that when I grow older things will get better somehow, I don’t know how yet, and it’s slowly driving me crazy. But I can’t be sad (or show that I’m sad or disappointed with my life) because I have too many good things, I’ve had many opportunities in life, and have many more ahead that I can’t waste. I don’t want people to believe that I’m just an ungrateful and selfish teenager/young adult, and all this because I can’t really explain them why I feel this sad from time to time, or why sometimes I really need to be alone and undisturbed.
And that’s all. If “you” read aaaaaaaall this, well… thank you =)
Good bye.