I just need to vent. Everyone says I have daddy issues. And maybe I do. Every relationship of mine has been ****. Scared that everyone will leave me. And for the first time, I say **** you to the dad that left us. Yea he was there, every other weekend and 6 weeks in the summer but that was court ordered. Me and my brother had to go. I'm an adult now, 27 years old and still feel like the root of my problems came from him. I have had failed relationships. I was engaged.. and cheated on because of insecurities. I have come to the point where I finally will stop running towards the person that hurt me. When dad left my mom for another woman when I was 1 year old, I was raised to have to go see him and his wife and kids every other weekend and 6 weeks in the summer. I hated it. I felt like an outcast and a burden. Her family was more important than my brother and i. Yes he fed us, and kept us bathed. But he neglected us emotionally. His 2nd wife left him when I was 16. He called me, crying and hysterical. Hes my dad, so I ran over to his house to comfort him in a heartbeat. 2 months after she divorced him... he was with another woman that he had known. She had 2 kids.... about my age. He fathered them more than he ever fathered us. I had my fair share of immaturity being that I was 16 when he got divorced from his second wife. I moved in with my dad, and 2 months later he kicked me out to move in with his new gf. He chose a new woman and her family over me and my brother. Again. I was heartbroken. Stopped talking to him and gave him a piece of my mind at that point. Over the years i matured and forgave him and tried to be a part of his new family. My brother had his own view and has stayed distant, over all the years. I wish I was a smart as him. I'm 27 now.... and he has still chosen his new family over his own. After I was cheated on by my fiancee when I was 25, I had gotten ill, with lupus. It's been rough. I had either the choice to go to my moms, in the same town In which my fiancee had cheated on me with a girl I went to school with, or to move 20 miles away in with my dad. A fresh start. I moved in with my dad and his gf. Her daughter was still living at home, a few years younger than me. 22. We used to be close. When I moved in, she started being controlling, bossing me around. Saying I lived like a slob because i didnt have everything in certain order all the time. Didnt like that I got a new bf. She was a rich spoiled brat. I had been controlled and abused for 7 years of my life with my ex fiancee. I wasnt taking anymore crap. I stood up formyself.. told her to mind her own business. When we weren't getting along, my dad decided that I needed to get out. He didnt want to give up his relationship with his new family for his own family. 2 months after leaving my abusive ex fiancee. I was emotionally broken. I needed my family. He decided it was best that I should have my own apartment, which I could not pay for with all the medical Bill's I had piling up from lupus. He decided to pay for me to live alone to avoid conflict with his gf and her daughter. Instead of having a family sit down to get ahold of the situation. he threw me out. Again. That was a year ago. I have lived on my own since, with the financial help from my dad. I'm so lonely. I feel disposable. Have had a new bf since my break up with fiancee. A year now, and have been getting into it lately. He likes to play the whole I have insecurities thing. Blame me. Everything's my fault. Im so messed up. My whole life all I've ever known was feeling like complete ****. Like everything was my fault. I wasnt good enough. I feel like I've lived alone my whole life. I've come to conclusion tonight that none of this is my fault. Had I had a dad in my life, like a real one... without being pushed aside like a piece of ****..I think I would have turned out alright. Successful. But I've been broken my whole life, lost my job earlier this year when lupus took overr and I physically could not get up and go to work anymore. My new boyfriend has been nagging at me that I have issues and need to find a job. That I dont carry enough to the table. Dont give him enough blow jobs. Sorry that I feel like my life has taken a turn...with noone there for me and dealing with an illness all by myself. I'm at my witts end and am finally here to say **** you to all the people who have hurt me. And neglected me. First and foremost being my father. Yes hes paying for my apartment... but I wouldnt be in that situation had he gotten control over the situation with his gfs ungrateful brat daughter. I could have lived with my mom and learned to suck it up around my ex being in the same town. Instead, coerced to move in with my dad and his gf. They invited me. Just to kick me out again. what I really needed at the time, and still to this day was love. From my family. I'm tired of feeling disposable and tired of feeling like I should end my own life because of noone caring. I'm here to say that I'm done feeling like crap because of other people's mistakes. Done blaming myself for things that are not my fault. Done trying in relationships with men, including my father, that only hurt me in the end. I'm here to take back my life.. I'm tired of blaming myself for other peoples mistakes. And I may lose some people, but I hope to gain myself back in all of this. Because ultimately, all we have is ourselves. Because of you dad, I have trust issues. And will always have trust issues. But that doesn't mean I can't live my life alone. Happily. I'm on my way to recovery.
3 Hearts
Vent away! You are seeing the truth and making changes to benefit yourself. Sorry this has happened to you, and glad you are taking care to put yourself in a new direction. Be strong.