I just relapsed today for the first time in over a year. I'm much bigger than i usually am, I think, and I purged. Still my anxiety is causing my joints to swell and it's super painful, my whole body is super warm because of it. I won't be able to sleep tonight, and I planned on leaving the house tomorrow for the first time in a few days and I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. I'm also so ashamed that I relapsed, how could I sabatauge myself like that. I want to be better, and purging is the worst thing I could do, and the worst thing is that it only helps for a second then i remember I'm gross again and my body isn't what it used to be, and even when I was super thin I had the same issues about feeling gross, unable to go outside because of how I look. I know this is rooted in feelings about myself, anxiety channeled into obsessing over my appearance, so how can I not rationalize this in my actions? I'm probably just anxious about having finished college and not having a job right off the bat, but still this feels so real. I'm just so anxious, even after taking my prescribed anxiety medications.
Hi!! I normally feel the same about my body-it's so depressing and I totally understand where you are coming from. I also felt the same when I was thinner. However I seriously believe the biggest step you can take into feeling better is to just ignore the relapse and keep recovering-if you let this set you back you might fall into your old horrible habits and end up feeling even worse about yourself. Something else you can do is talk to someone about how you feel....I once opened up to my mum about something completely eating disorder unrelated(just an example) that was literally killing me mentally but instantly I felt a lot better. I've been unable to tell anyone about my bulimia and the thoughts that are killing me now but please don't make the same mistake I've made because I feel so lost with no one to talk to. Please tell someone so you don't feel lonely as well as horrible about yourself.
I feel the same as you right now. I keep hoping something will click in my brain and help me feel better about myself. I just take it a day at a time sometimes a minute at a time.
Purging usually makes me feel worse about my body. The behavior throws off my body's rhythm, and I lose touch with reality. I agree that the best thing to do is talk about it, like you did here, and to keep moving forward. Dwelling on the behavior will lead to shame, which only leads to more behavior. Good luck getting out of the house, don't take on too much, be very gentle with yourself.