I keep telling myself that "I'm okay" but I'm starting to be

I keep telling myself that "I'm okay" but I'm starting to believe that I'm lying to myself. When you lie to other people, it's a conscious choice and you know you're doing it, but when you lie to yourself, well that's a bit more tricky because it's not that easy to discern self-deception. So even though I'm telling myself I'm okay, maybe the reality is that I'm not okay.

I know I was probably annoying him, demanding that he talk to me each day but he was always, always, always busy. Even when we were together, he was distracted with work!! It's frustrating always having to be the one to do EVERYTHING first. Always the first one to call, always the first one to text, always the first one to start a conversation, etc. Part of me started thinking, "Geez, do you even care about me? If I stop being the first one to do anything, will this relationship even exist????" So I needed to prove a point. He was annoying me like crazy with this so a few days ago, I just stopped doing everything. I stopped messaging him, stopped calling him, stopped visiting him, and basically stopped doing everything first.

All I wanted was just ONE time for him reach out to me FIRST. Days have gone by and nothing and it's depressing me like crazy. I told myself, "Is he serious????" I was so furious! One day without having him talk to me, I could have handled it, but several days without any contact...without ANY effort, that's making me doubt this entire relationship O_o.

I am just so angry right now. I guess I should reach out to him and see what's going on, but I'm far too stubborn to do that. If he really wants to talk to me, he'll contact me first. And even if he does call me or text me, I'm so annoyed with him that I'll ignore him just to prove a point, even though there's the other part of me that's desperately wanting some type of response.

I never realized how invested I was in this relationship because since this abrupt stasis began I feel like I'm falling apart. Every single thing literally upsets me, I'm picking up bad habits again, my thoughts are all over the place and I feel like I'm losing my mind. But I keep telling myself, "It's okay. I'm fine. I'm perfectly okay." Is that really true though? With everything around me falling apart and this inner turmoil inside of me, am I really okay? I don't know. I just need to take a moment, and get a grip and come to my senses about this whole situation. I feel like I have a tornado whirling inside of me that's mixed with depression and anger.

Hi I feel the same every day is a struggle I feel on edge all the time and very confused i have been this way for a long time it takes its toll on you and I'm just constantly stressed an confused an frightened its awful but I have got used to it I get through every day it's a very strange existence lonely but something inside me just keeps going

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people who want to be a part of your life, make a effort to be a p[art of your life. don't settle for less. You have way more value than that!

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@Kaynn thank you for your kind words. That’s definitely something that I need to learn as I work through all this.

You deserve to be treated better than the way he treated you. Also its normal for bpd to experience the tornado, I was taught to do DBT therapies for this. Managing extreme emotions etc. How's it going now?

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@rosiemopink Thank you <3 I’m doing much better now. That was a really bad, emotional day for me, and I’m still working through everything but feel a lot better now.

@itzamy hope it's still going well, talk to us if it's not x

itzamy please contact me we have very similar experiences. My boyfriend is constantly busy with work and just life in general while my days are not as full. You see I get social security for my schizoaffective bipolar type disorder so I'm home most of the time without a job. This fills me with shame and when he doesn't answer me, I always assume he is ignoring me, which usually isn't true most of the time. I am ALWAYS the one to call/text first. Feel free to pm me.

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@MD1992 Thank you! I haven’t been on here in a week so I saw your message just now. I added you just now and can pm you after you add me.