I kinda really need help. I dont know where to start. Everyt

I kinda really need help. I dont know where to start. Everything is really painful and confusing and it hurts a lot. When i was 10 my family and i went on a vaction to visit my family. I have this cousin, 15-16 years old at the time. he had a really big crush on me and, well, i was 10, i mean... I didnt even know what having a crush on someone felt like. He used to take me into his room. And do stuff to me. I didnt even know what that kind of stuff meant or why he was doing it to me. When i was 12 i realized how bad and sick all that stuff he did to me was. I hated him. I really hated him. When i turned 13 he moved in with us, he was 18. I hated him. I was scared to death of him. His room was a hallway away from mine and i was really scared that he might come to my room at night while everyone was alseep. I'd be up all night crying and praying to god asking from him not to hurt me again. Eventually, he moved out, got his own place. But hes my fathers nephew and since no one knows about this, hes always been welcome in our house whenever he wants- as long as my parents are home. I told one of my really close friends that he had done soemthing to me -couldnt tell her what she had done because i was afraid. She told me that it happened 4 years ago and that he probably doesnt remeber anything happening at all and i shouldnt stress too much. Ive always known that he still remebered but i figured if he didnt know i remebered... Welll i could act like it never happened and everything would be fine! We talked online for about 3months and i told myself he changed. I prayed to god for his forgiveness. I cried at 4am beging him to have mercy on my cousin. Then i messed up. He figured out i rememeber. Im scared again. Not of him. Well i dont know. Im mad because he blamed me when he figure out i knew. Im sad because i trusted the boy who had hurt me so much a second time and i feel so stupid for ever letting him back in. I feel so empty. Now when he comes over... I feel like someone is squeezing my insides. I cant look at him. Everytime i do look at his face i just keep remebering. I thought i forgot i thought i moved on i thought i was ok again. But i was wrong. I cant sleep at night. I cant eat. I cant forget. That face he made when i slapped him the first time he tried to so soemthing. Its there. It doenst go away. I want to fix this. I cant take it anymore. I dont wanna go through this a second time.

I can't say how bad this is because I don't know. But I can say that typing that out and showing it and reaching for help is the bravest thing someone hurting can do.
Do what you need to do to feel safe. If you can't do anything, fight to be able to. If him being in your life is hurting you, let him go. Do what you need to do to be okay.
Sometimes the best thing in life is saving someone. Sometimes that someone is yourself.
You are good and you deserve to feel good.
Sorry that's all I can say, but it's all I know.

He committed a crime. You can have him arrested. You need to tell and get counseling. It is to heavy for you to carry. My heart goes out to you. I was molested at 5 by my mother's boyfriend. I never told her she admits to nothing negative concerning her.
He took your childhood. I have a cousin who said if I wasn't his cousin he would mess with me. I was angry & sick. Please seek help.

@DLady62 i wish i could but telling people would only hurt me more. It happened 5 years ago. He was older than me. No one is going to beleive the little 10y/o more than the 15-16y/o boy. It sucks but im aftaid that he would get away with it and everyone would just look down on me.

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