I knew there was no way anyone would ever love me.... I was 14, I think.... I don't remember how I got this thought... Maybe it's because of the movies or maybe it's because of the novels.... I honestly have no idea how my brain came up with this insane thought.... Somehow, I convinced myself that one day, one guy will come into my life.... And he will love me so much that I'd never feel afraid or sad again.... That he will protect me.... He will never let me get hurt... I just have to live until then.... I was in 10th class... (I'm from India)... That's how my fantasy started.... After sometime, I gave him a name... Abhi... I fixed on that bcs it rhymed with mine... Two yrs passed.... Through these yes, Abhi was with me in every difficult time... Every time I was scared, Everytime I was hurt, I was able to bounce back bcs of one thought... "Only until Abhi comes"... I didn't make up a character for him until then... Him loving me was enough... Then I got to know about twilight... I'm naturally a bookworm so of course I had to read it.... I was also at a bad place... I didn't get a good enough rank in my entrance test.... My parents were not happy with me... And who blames them? I was not happy with myself either... And the series... It gave me everything I needed... The love described in there was - no - is the best I've read so far... That was the first time I had started putting together a character for Abhi, apart from loving me... Eventually, I renamed him Edward... Bcs I realised that the character I put together has more characteristics of Edward... So it's easy to just call him Edward... Until then, I had life apart from Edward... I had frns... At least, I thought they were my frns... But I soon discovered that they didn't think of me as their frnd, as much as I thought of them... Not even close... My family was a mess.... It still is but not as much as it used to be... I had no one to turn to... I didn't know what to do... How to cope with the feelings of loss and helplessness... Then, I started withdrawing into myself.... Even though everything is falling apart around me, I never let go of Edward... Soon, I got Soo immersed in him that I didn't know a world where he was not there.... It was in that time that I read a story about how love inspired a couple to become better... I liked it very much... So I took Edward as my inspiration.... I vowed to myself that I'd get through the entrance for him... It took me two yrs and a lot of hard work and a lot of convincing myself that I'd get Edward if I crack this entrance.... That I just have to crack this entrance to reach him... That he will be waiting for me... Finally, I did it... I got through... My happiness knew no bounds... Finally, finally, I was in my college... But things didn't turn out as I expected... Edward didn't come... 'it's okay' I told myself... He just needs a little time... U have waited till now... What's in a few more months? Meanwhile, u can get used to ur surroundings... So I waited... And waited... And waited some more... Whenever a guy talked with me, I wondered if he was Edward... I tried ways to find him... I tried everything I could...as long as it's safe... I even tried wechat and Facebook.... Every frnd request, every msg, my heart used to skip a beat thinking this guy might be my Edward... I reached a point where I was surrounded by Edward... Every place I went, including my hostel, I used to imagine some kind of scenario with Edward... It ranged from him consoling me bcs I'm upset to us kissing passionately...sometimes even more... I tried to be better in everything... I tried to be more kind, more compassionate, more sympathetic, more hardworking, I pushed my boundaries as far as I could... "For him" is the only thing that got me through most of the things I faced.... But he never came... But I also gave myself a deadline... That I should meet him by the time I was 21 bcs only then, we will have enough time to get to know each other, convince our parents and get married... I wanted to get married before I'm 25... So I thought 1 yr of friendship, 1 yr of courtship and 1 yr of love, and one yr to convince our parents... 4 yrs... I'd be 25 by then... Yeah it's good.... Everything was perfectly planned out... I have almost everything planned out... All he has to do is show up in my life and love me... Then came the summer of 2015 when that guy abused me on my family tour... By then, I'm losing hope that I'd find Edward... And I'm also afraid that I'd let someone else take advantage of me in my desperation to find Edward... Also, my deadline is approaching... My birthday is in July... I'd give him time till then I thought.... And I waited.... With every passing day, my hope crumbled a little more... The only thought that could make me get out of bed everyday was "it's today... u will meet him today".... My birthday came... He never did.... Then, I decided that I'd stop looking for him... I wasn't able to... I tried to get angry at him for not coming... It didn't work... I tried to hate him.... I have never tried for anything as much as I did to hate him, not even for my entrance... But all was in vain... I realised I could never hate him, no matter what... It was then that I decided that I'd think of him as dead... It didn't work either... So finally, I told myself that I killed him (he was not real... I didn't kill anyone) so that I could move on... It got me out of the fantasy, and in the process, it broke me completely.... There was no reason to get up in the morning anymore.... There was no one in this whole wide world for me... Not even one person... I stopped eating... I stopped bathing... I just slept... I slept through the day, slept through the night... Everywhere I looked, everywhere I went, I was reminded of him... My hostel, my college, my home, the places to visit in my town.... There wasn't one place I hadn't imagined being with him... In 3 months I became so thin that bones can be counted by looking at me... I can never forget the look on my dad's face when he saw me getting off the train for holidays... That was the first time I have seen him afraid... I had to give him an excuse and it can't be Edward.... So I gave my parents the excuse that I'm not able to adjust in hostel... My dad immediately made plans to get me out of there... My hometown is near my hostel and he made arrangements for me to live there... I shifted within a month... I now have a home to come back to... But the pain of losing Edward didn't go away... I deliberately stopped thinking about him... I used to cut my thoughts as soon as I start thinking of him... I was so lost... The new home, the change of environment helped... So did my frns... I tried my best to stop loving him... But I couldn't... Finally I came to peace with myself by thinking that I'd love him forever... He will always be a part of me... A very big part... But that I wouldn't look for him anymore... Two yrs passed... I'm 23 now.... Even after everything that happened, even now, if a guy initiates a conversation with me, online or offline, my head (or is it my heart?) Immediately thinks that he might be Edward.... Old habits die hard I guess... it's not easy to forget a love of 7 yrs, also it's my first love.... probably my last too... I'm relatively fine now but every now and then, this feeling of loss and loneliness and pain suddenly hits me and it would be impossible for me to even get up from my bed that whole day... It becomes worse if I have no one to talk to on these days... Today is one of the worse days.... I have an exam tomorrow... I couldn't even eat today, forget about preparing for the exam... All my frns r busy preparing and I didn't want to disturb them... They would listen to me if I ask them to but I don't want to disturb them before the exam... it's not that important exam but it's exam nontheless... It's 2:30 am.... I couldn't even sleep... Maybe I'll sleep tomorrow in exam hall since I don't know anything to wrote :p
{{{BIG HUGS}}}
@MorePositiveVibes thank you Soo much… And hugs back to you…
its all gonna be ok.i dont know how but it will.something my Nanny told me last night"There is more"i am praying for you
@Trumagirl thank you Soo much… I’m trying very hard to get to the place where I can think that there is more… I hope I will reach there one day… But right now, all I can do is get through each day… To even say I’m alive would be an exaggeration… I’m just not dead…yet… Don’t worry, I won’t attempt suicide… I’m sure of that one thing…
That was really beauitful as well as incredibly saddening to read... I'm really sorry that you feel as though you're going through this world alone, it really is no fun at all. Hurts a lot, doesn't it?
I can see how such a thought of someone -a hope manifested into an actual person coming into your life one day- could've come about. Everyone always does say that things will get better in time, that this current feeling will pass, makes sense to turn that hope into a person.
Then again as you just described, that brings it's own pain with it if nothing soes materialise from it...
I feel I have the beginning of such a path laid before me now, with a few slight differences to it. I won't claim to be any kind of Edward, but I am someone who's alone and who sees no hope of that changing anymore. So if you would ever like to feel any less lonely at any time, particularly from someone who might just understand that pain you feel, then message me, I'll try my best to help us both feel a bit less alone in this world.
@FoxEye I’m almost in tears by the end of ur post… Thank you Soo much for ur kind words… For the first time I felt like there is one person who could understand what exactly I am feeling… I’d like to chat with u too… And I’ll try my best to make u feel less lonely… Hope ur day goes good… Best wishes…
It sounds like you live in a situation where people are expected to be married by a certain age. I hate that kind of pressure put on youth. There is nothing wrong with focusing on career and then meeting someone after starting your working career. I wish you the Best! Stay strong!
@bebobaBetty no I’m not in such situation… but thank you… I will try to stay strong
I know it's hard. Sometimes even a real person can become such a fantasy. That happend to me in my teens. This might sound crazy, but I'm wondering if this story, of your future hoped for love, sort of became a way for you to deal with the stresses of your exams and the pressure your parents were putting on you to do well in your educational pursuits. Edward would love you unconditionally, not having the same expectations as your parents who wanted you to pass your exams and so forth. But sweetie, you are so young. You have a lifetime to find Mr. Right. But even if you didn't, that would not diminish who you are. Take my word for it. I am much older than you. By the way, have you considered writing your fantasy into a novel? Jane Austin did pretty well with that.
@Scat thank you Soo much… Yes my fantasy did help me cope from the stress of my life… I really do hope that I find my Mr. Right… And as a matter of fact, yes I’ve been trying to write a novel… I put it on hold due to my exams but I’m going to complete it once I’m done with my exams… I don’t think I’m a good writer but my frns said that what I wrote wasn’t bad to read… I’ve been putting together the best of my fantasies and the worst of my fears in my novel… I hope I will find a way to control my fantasies and to fight my fears by the end of it…
That describes my situation perfectly. Im 37 and still waiting. Its not going to happen for me.
@sueshe don’t be discouraged… U will find him… I think u just have to change ur way of approach… If u have been waiting for him, try to find him proactively… If u have been trying already, try some other methods… I hope u will find him soon… And when u do (when not if), plz remember to wish me luck too… Hugs… And best wishes… Good luck
I think in some cases we need to feel ok about ourselves and ok with being alone before we can be ready to be in a relationship with someone. Who we are with does not define us
@Dragonite55 yes… I think so too… I’m trying to achieve that… To be okay with myself… To be satisfied with myself… Thank you…
If you're worried about having a future family, lots of women are having babies much older these days. I personally had my youngest at age 38, much younger than the ladies are these days. This is a time in your life when you can get more done without the additional stresses of a relationship. I know it is difficult not knowing what the future holds, though.
@Scat I think u r right… This is the time when I can get things done without stressing about family and responsibilities… I will try to keep that in mind… Thank you very much
you will get him....soulmate is not easy to get..we dont know gods plans,.. there could be a rani mukarjee or kajol..who knows
@kpp I wish u said names of male actors coz I’m a girl… But all the same, I appreciate ur kindness… Thank you
May i be able to contact you?