I know better but still consider it

well first, im dont have a ED, but i have starved myself sometimes. no more than a day.
i know better, i know it doesnt help, but with all this stress at "home" i cant help but think about it. i have urges to do other things to, like cut, and start up with hydros again. but i know i shouldnt, i know its stupid, but when i get to that deep dark place and dont want to be around anyone except for that one person who makes me happy(which cuz of my mom i cant see often anymore so thats not helping) then thats all i can think of. well...il just try it once, then the back of my head screams at me and then i feel stupid and embaressed. im sorry, i kina feel like im wineing, but i cant tell anyone..that i truley know cuz im to ashamed.

don’t be ashamed of your feelings. you feel depression or a reason. have you talked to your family about this? sometimes it can help to have a peaceful discussion to explain your feelings and to have someone support you through it. another option is to see a doctor or therapist for help. stay strong and keep writign here, everyone is here to help.

idk how to tell my mom, we fight whenever i try to tell her whats wrong(which is usually her bf) she always says that i need to try harder to get along wit him. but i dont even tlk to him becuz i dont feel comfortable around him. so in order for me to do anything outside of the "house" i have to make a deal, which just is stupid...but she doenst see that, she just trys to make everything work and suffocates me leavn no space to let me do anything

Depression can lead us to do all kinds of things that we "know" we shouldn't do... That painful desperation to feel better, or even to feel NOTHING, can make us act out in ways we might not otherwise... Are you getting help for your depression? It sounds like you're engaging in some disordered eating behaviors, which is not the same thing as having an eating disorder, but no one can develop an eating disorder without passing through that stage... If that makes sense... You want to get this corrected NOW, before it gets worse... Because believe me, it CAN! :0/ Cutting is another destructive behavior with the same aims as starving... Neither one really helps, though they might offer some temporary relief/distraction/numbing... It sounds like you really need to address some of these things with a counselor... You don't want to get these behaviors under control, only to have the underlying feelings surface in another form down the line...

Thinking of you! ♥

Love,

Jen

wish i could, but i dont think i would be able to get it cuz of money, even then i think my mom would try n play therapist like she always does instead. then im one to put a smile on my face infront of others and try to help them, because i feel like i can help them better than i can myself. that theres are easier n id rather be on the sideline, then head on with my own...even though i have no clue how to deal with anything when it comes to me