I know I have been writing a lot but I just want to tell my

I know I have been writing a lot but I just want to tell my story. Especially about my rape. I will have a few different posts about my other stuff I have been through but I am ready to tell someone other then myself about my story. Only my therapist has heard this! First off I have to mention that at the time I hung out with the wrong crowd and wa son drugs (was no addicted to the heroine and cocaine that I tried) but I was addicted to pills (oxy). Well one night I hung out with my friends and got way to comfortable. I was very comfortable in my body and was not afraid to show it off. Well most of the people I hung out with were guys but I didn't think of them as sexual friends/boyfriends. They were just like best friends almost like siblings. That night my friend Nate offered to take me home and I let him because he had before. On the way home he put his hands on my leg and rubbed all the way up to my thigh. Didn't really think of it as anything until he went higher. At that point I got extremely uncomfortable and asked him to stop. He did and we went back to listening to music and talking. But when I realized he turned down a road that wasn't on the way home I started to feel uncomfortable again. He drove me behind a parking lot turned off the car and locked the doors. Obviously I could have gotten out but I was more confused at the moment as to what he was doing. I and him where we were and instead of answer me he grabbed my hair and whispered in my ear to get into the back seat of the car. Let me remind you he was a couple years older then me and I only weighed about 90 pounds and he was a heavier guy. But as I went into the back seat he told me to take off my pants and if I didn't then he would. I did not take off my pants. I would not. So like he said he forced them off of me as I tried to push him off me. Of corse being as little as I was I did not get far. As he took off my pants he also took off my underwear and from there it got very disturbing. I begged for him to not do this to me. And as I said that he choked me (not hard enough to leave a mark but hard enough to scare me) and he lifted me up and slammed me against the door. Before he got started he went on to tell me that if I ever mentioned this to anyone he would find me and do it again until it killed me. Being scared out of my mind and continuing to say no he went on to do what rarest do and it was extremely painful and very traumatizing. After he was done he
Told me to out my clothes
On and get in the front seat. He went back to a dying like who he was before what he had just done to me. Had a smile on his face and turned the music up and started driving to take me home. One street before my house he turned down the radio and parked by the side walk. He told me to get out and walk the rest of the way. So I did and he drove off. My parents thought I was hanging out with a girl friend. When I got home I went into the bathroom and washed up for about an hour. I felt so gross and I cried all night. I went to school the next day and kept it to myself because I was scared what he was going to say or do. I didn't hear from him anymore after that. I didn't hang out with those friends anymore but I became more depressed. I attempted to kill myself at school and planned to do it there because I didn't want to hurt my parents. I overdosed on topamax and oxy. I told my gym teacher I couldn't breathe they sent me to the nurse who then called the ambulance. From there I was admitted to the psych ward after my stay at the hospital for treatment. I never ended up telling anyone until last year. This happened 6 years ago and I was just diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It has destroyed me as a person and I continue to have daily struggles because of it. And three years ago I met the guy I'm with now, got pregnant after 2 months of knowing each other and now we have an amazing baby girl. but after she was born we started to have issues, he started talking to girls and heating and I started to get bad again. I got pregnant last year and had an abortion without him knowing because I was scared. (Before that we got into a physical fight and called cops so I was afraid of him hurting me while pregnant so I decided to have an abortion that I did not believe in) I hate myself everyday because of it. And just recently lost my baby boy at 16 weeks in September. Since then I have been seeing a new guy who just told be he has HIV, I have been having unprotected sec with him for about 6 weeks and now I might be HIV positive and have a chance
Of being pregnant since I haven't had a period since before I was pregnant. My life is turning into a horror story! I am very unhappy with who I am.

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I'm sorry to hear of your terrible story but you should be proud that you have the guts to share it with us all! It's clear that you've had some ups and downs in your life but remember that you have survived every bad thing that's ever happened to you and there's no reason for you to stop now. Stay strong and remember there is always someone to talk to, may that be your boyfriend, a colleague or even someone online.

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I agree that I can give up now but I'm at the point where I hate myself for the decisions I have made. I have risked so much

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The rape was not your fault. It doesn't matter that you were on drugs or showing off your body. If anything, it's good to be comfortable in your own body. You said no to the rapist. He violated that.

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We all have sin and have made bad choices. But we are all accountable for ourselves---including him.

What was done to you was evil.

Take your heart and guilt to Christ and let Him heal you. Find forgiveness for him if you haven't. You really have to pity a soul so dark and rotten.

It is courage and selfless to share your pain, you just never know how far reaching your story can be.

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Everyday I blame myself but then I take myself back to him and what he was thinking not me. I didn't tell him to hurt me he made that decision on his own. I have to live with it forever while he gets to live his life. He never had to go to court or go to jail he just gets to live his life everyday

What happened with you? I'm just sick of hurting. It's been years and all I can do is think about this ****. I have a daughter and can't enjoy my life with her because of my chronic PTSD episodes. I also just lost my baby boy who I wanted so badly. I min so much pain. I feel like I'm dying inside everyday

I try my best to stay positive everyday. I can only do so much to help myself though. I can't control what other people do and how they hurt me and that's what's continuing to happen. I was with a guy who told me he had HIV and now I have to suffer through this and wait it out to be tested. I'm so scared. I have been through so much and I pray that this doesn't happen to me because truly I could never live with myself. I'm hurting so deeply. Things just keep going wrong. Next month I change therapists (which is going to put me in a very bad spot). I just lost my son, I have a chance of having HIV and my life is just falling apart.

@KRM82113 Welcome to SG! You will meet many wonderful people here, fondly called SG friends. The bottom of the page is a FAQ, it will assist you in navigating the site, also there is a Support Someone icon, familarized yourself with them. You may join as many groups as necessary. There are Depression, PTSD, and Rape
groups. Remember you’re not alone, SG friends are here, to support, and be supported. Be strong the best is yet, to follow…

*hugs* please keep in touch hon and I will commit to pray for you. You're not alone.

@JKimmeyFlower Welcome to SG! You will meet many wonderful people here, fondly called SG friends. The bottom of the page is a FAQ, it will assist you in navigating the site, also there is a Support Someone icon, familarized yourself with them. You may join as many groups as necessary. Remember you’re not alone, SG friends are here, to support, and be supported. Be strong the best is yet, to follow…

I needed to hear that and I hope things turn out good for you and u test negative! I have to wait to get tested and it's just a horrible feeling. It's very scary. But it's hard not to blame myself for putting myself in this situation. Technically it is my fault why I'm going through this. I can't be mad at anyone but myself for my mistakes and the stupid decisions I continue to make.

Did the man with HIV know that he had it before you had sex with him? If he already knew and didn't tell you until after, I'd call that rape too.

Yes he knew. He's had it for years and just told me about it.

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles I to was raped at the age of 16 in my house in my own room by my brothers Best friend at the time I onlytold my father a couple of months ago Icant say much about the HIV part of it but the rape part I can say it will gets better it just take a bit okay a large bit of time good luck if you need t talk just write me

I had a female cousin who fondled me since the age of 8 i use to hate it