I know I need help

I never heard of Sex Addiction until recently or I was never aware of it. I thought I was a Red-blooded male that enjoy sex and wanted it all the time. But recently I have put down a map from my childhood to my adult life of 48 years and see a pattern that what appears to be an addiction. It has nearly ruined my marriage, I never was good with relationships before. I have mood swings that can turn at a flip of a switch. I thought it was just my wiring and the way I was trained in the military that I could switch and people did not know who I was. I have dabbled in watching porn, but most of it has been online chatting, and getting a female in bed and then breaking it off if I wanted to go after another. If a relationship got to serious, my moods would swing to where I was mean and hateful and run the person off. I would be mean to my family at the flip of a switch. I was running from my problems or thinking it was a problem and not an illness. I still do run from it. I am in the process of seeking counseling with a therapist that their passion is this illness and hope this will get me on the road to recovery. When researching this illness and came across this site and have been reading on it for a few days now. I was sexually abused by a cousin at the age of 8, my father drank all the time. My mother never would believe that it happen. Every time I would get in a relationship it seem to go South very quickly. I would have one-night stands and they would want to see me more but I would never pick the phone up. I always seem to have that communication problem but I never thought I had an illness.
I hope that I can seek support and will try and use you all for a shoulder to lean on. I know the Lord will be there to lift me when I fall flat on my face as I have done many times over the years.

Thanks for listening - Les

I sympathize! I have been addicted to gay and bisexual porn for quite awhile now and, I've gotten into fights with my youngest son almost to the point of it coming to blows! I was caught by my wife one time because I didn't erase it from the history on the computer. I was masturbating on camera with other guys and I know its bad but,I can't help it. Thankfully,I was able to talk my way out of it. I convinced her that the bisexual preference was a glitch and it was just an innocent thing. She and I have had more sex since then and its great but, I still **** off on cam on a regular basis.I am now realizing that I have a problem. I hope yours goes away. Know that I support you and am a shoulder to lean on. Good Luck!!

This past week has been a bit rough for me. I still have thoughts and fantasy's but I have held back on doing anything. Prior to this I would go and take care of it, or if I had difficult time to fall asleep I would masturbate to help me sleep. I would try and get a fix but I have been strong so far but has not been easy. I will be seeing a counselor this week for the first time. I hope that this is the next step for recovery. It has been over 3 weeks since I have had sex with my wife. We cuddle at night and we kiss but that is about as far as we go. She is not ready to trust to give herself to me at this time and it is real hard. I think its hard for both and not just me, we really have not talked about it much lately.

Today - I start my first counseling session on my problem. I pray last night as I have done many nights before that I ask God to lift me up and carry me through this journey. When the sun goes down and everyone goes to sleep the addiction heats up for me. I have really struggled that few nights especially with wanting to do something. So far I have held off on this and am proud to have made it a week now.

Had a good weekend, Umpire a fastpitch softball tournament. Going on 15 years as umpire. Had my first counseling session last Wednesday but not much came out except me going through my history from Childhood until present. I oh so want to reach over to my wife when she is sleeping and fondle her, but that is what triggers for me to do other things. I pray to the lord that I resist and fall asleep. I hope everyone is hanging in there. I have another counseling session tomorrow and then I am going to try a support group on Friday and see how that goes. I have kept busy so the urges have been minimal for me these last few days.

God Bless to you all.

Hang in there! Continue to keep yourself busy and seek as much counseling possible. Dont resist the help that will be offered by others. Stay strong friend.

I am a 39 year old mother of 2, married and I just can't get enough sex. I watch porn flicks with my husband, and without. We in the past were swingers for a couple of years, but we stopped that. Afraid of diesase's. Thing is When we used to swing my husband liked to watch me with both men and women. Women more I think. He is 16 years older than me, and his labido has slowed down tremendously. Me on the other hand, I feel like I'm in my prime. Since we have stoped swinging I have had 3 affairs, I almost left my husband for one of them. One was just a one time fling with my friends 23 year old son. WOW- it was mind blowing,my 3 one, well we still get together from time to time. She gets her kids off to school, and I get mine off then we meet up at one of our houses. I never concidered myself a lesbian,Because I like to be fucked and suck off my husband till he blows in my mouth. but I guess I'm bi-sexual because I can't seem to get enough of her. Her taste, her smell, her touch it drives me wild. I know I shouldn't be doing this behind his back, yet I don't want him to think that he's not adiquit for me. I love him very much, but he's just getting older and dosn't desire sex as much as I do. on day's I don't have sex I masturbate and fanticize about people that I don't even know. they are just Joe Blows that I have met on the internet, and I imagine them touching my breasts, pinching my nippels, nibbeling on my clit. Or just secretly watching me masturbate. I don't no what to do, I just can't seem to get enough- does anyone have any suggestions? It's to the point that i can't function in the day, till I get my fix. It's like a drug for me.

Liz, have you ever thought of seeing someone to help you w/behavior modification/coping skills instead?

Feelin Lousy - keep up the good progress, be patient w/yourself.

I have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months,twice a Month. Thing is she's so old she reminds me of my Grandmother. It's hard to go into complete detail with her. She usually drags it out of me though.
She has taught me copeing methods to use, when I can't get my mind out of the gutter. How to redirect my energy into cleaning or exercising or baking a special cake for a suprize to my husband. And that all makes sence, and may work short term, I still want what I want, I mean my house can only be so clean, and I jog 4 days a week as it is.
When Sara calls me, every thing the good Doc. has told me goes out the window. When I told this to my Dr. she tried shaming me into stoping, talking about heven and hell and Sodom and Gomorrah, and what the lord did to those evil sinful people.
Well ****, would I be paying the money to see her if I didn't need the help? Do you have an issue with sex? I'm just curious, I appreciate the words of advise, But if you don't have this particular problem, you can't begin to understand what it's like. If you are in the same shoes, and are over coming your problem, PLEASE tell me the magic trick.

I am not in the same shoes, may have been in them at one point in my life. I think of sex all the time. I still fight those urges. It sounds to me that you are not ready to commit to recovering from this. My wife told one time she thought I could have sex everyday. So back in July, she tried it and needless to say - I turned her down a couple times during that month. If a woman wanted me, I could have sex with her. My wife seem not as interested most of our 14 yrs of marriage. Once a week if I was lucky and that was not enough for me. Then she got into a routine where we would do the same thing each time we had sex. To me - it became boring. You seem to really be into Sara and not committed to your husband and your marriage. My problem lie within fantasy and online chats. Yes - I have many partners in my life. A lot of one timers, because I could not commit to a relationships. I use to undress women with my eyes and think what it would be like to have sex with them. The only way, I could see you taking a step to recovery and focus on your marriage is completely cut it off with Sara. I will be curious what others might have to say about this. I wish you the best and always there to listen.

Thanks, for your input. i appreciate it. Your probably right, If I want to save my marriage. Thats just it, Do I want to? And if I end up with Sara, can I be faithful to her? I got a lot of thinking to do. Thanks again -Liz

Liz, would be wise to change therapists, not sure how you hung w/her for 8 months & there are no quick answers or fixes other wise alot wouldnt be on this site (I'm not a sex addict). Please get rid of Sara...its a start & try not selling yourself or putting yourself out there suggesting that your available.

Feelin Lousy, I agree w/you 100% in refernece to Liz & maybe you could suggest some more options for her that could be useful.

April

You are definatly right about my therapist. I get tired of being told I’m going to hell. Thanks for nyour input. Liz

Liz - when was the last time you and your husband had a date? What do you do as a family? I agree with April - I use to try and suggest that I was available and in reality I wasn't, I was cheating, lying and finding ways to have sex. I have just begun counseling, so I may not be the one to give advice. I did find a Christian Counseling center. My counselor is a female, I guess because I feel more at ease at talking to a female than a male when it comes to relationships and sex. I researched online on sex addiction (that is how I found this site) and there are guidelines on finding a good counselor. My counselor ask me to research "Celebrate Recovery" groups in the area. Well, I found one on Friday nights but that is our family night and she told me that would not be a good night to go. She was telling me - family first.

Date? Whats that? He didn't even remember our Anniv. this year. I guess Our last real date was a couple of years ago, when he took me to a B&B it was nice, till he got so plowed that he couldn't or wouldn't preform. As a family, go to my kids sporting events. Yard work. Kids (teens) are to busy with there own friends, they don't want to hang out with us. I know I need to put my family first. I guess I'm selfish, I miss the excitement I had when we were first married.I get lonley, sex is just not high on his list of prioritys. I know that don't give me the right to see Sara behind his back. But ****, why did he bring her into the relationship in the first place? I guess I'm playing the blame game now. Thanks for sharing -Liz

Yes - I have teens as well and that is what I like as far as getting a date night in. We can go to dinner, a movie and not have to worry about the babysitter. Maybe you ought to try and bring some of the magic back from the beginning. Try and do things you did before that you enjoy. But, just a suggestion, do things where no alcohol is involved or he has access to any and see how it goes.

Liz, it is difficult when one misses out on whats really important in life & instead of creating it, just expects things to be exciting most times without putting effort into it. It just takes time my friend to start learning what your trying to really fill in your life & I admire you for taking the first steps in being aware & reaching out here that says something about you.

Feelin Lousy - love the suggestions, I'm listening as these can be good for any relationship w/anyone & common sense ideas. Amazing to me what I realize & learn here about others & what they are really doing & thinking.

My wife told me last night that she did not know if we could salvage our marriage. This did not set well with me. I would thought she would be supported towards me and my sex addiction but no she brings up the past over and over. I know I have hurt her. I know that she does not trust me, but if she wants to work through this and be supported - should she bring the past up again and again? I tossed and turned until about 11:30 and got up and read then I decided to move out of the bedroom into our guest room. I figured it she didn't want me then that was the place to go at least until I can figure out what is best. Today, I am just a confused person. We are support to go to her family for Thanksgiving, but I do not want to go over and put up a front like everything is fine and all and then we are going back over for Christmas as well this year. What should I do? I am so glad I have a appointment with my Therapist tonight. Oh speaking of that, My wife could not believe I would talk about sex to my therapist because she was a stranger. Oh Please....... I thought that was what she was for. Anyway..... Hope you are having a good day.

I hope you can try to realize that your wife IS NOT a therapist & sometime a spouse thinks their being supportive when infact they start going in a circle by first denial, then try & understand/comprehend, then ANGER, then hopeless etc, etc, etc, I only know this from my own experiences, married 19yrs. went to therapists w/him until I was told that he needed one on one w/meds, He went 6 times & STOPPED & stopped meds the first 30 days, so I took that opportunity to research/read alot of books/internet information to be as supportive as I could & to NO AVAIL, 1yrs. later he was back to the samething he'd been doing off & on since childhood (bad coping skills) & there was nomore I could do & knew he had to take responsibility for his actions/behavior, this was over a 3 to 5yr. period off & on, theres only so much a spouse can do. As I look back now I would have done it differently in that I would of stayed out of the torrid details that forever live w/me now & makes one view the other in a very different light & thats why I'm on this site.

If shes just begining to be aware of whats going on then would be wise to just listen to her while she wades through her feelings of inadequacy/womanhood in the relationship & probably figuring that she may never be capable of fulfilling your life & desires for sex, give the girl a break this isnt all about you, its about BOTH of you & I hope you will continue to see the therapist regardless of anyone else trying to understand whats inside you let the therapist do that, sex addiction is a real rough cookie to crack & like any other addiction takes a life time to keep dealing with.

All my strengths.

April

You are so right April. I had a session with my therapist last night. I know if this works or does not work I plan to stay with the therapist. I have uncovered a lot of baggage that I carried over the course of 30+ years and It's not something that I can straighten out overnight or in a month. I get confuse and distraught and then I end up saying the wrong things when I meant to say it in a different matter. I do have the concern of being able to afford this, but I plan to figure something out. Even if I have to cut back to every 2 weeks for a couple months. With the Holidays coming up it is really starting to stress me out some. My kids may not be getting much this year, because their dad is sick. Not to mention the medical bills growing over my heart condition. But I have also discovered that she has a lot of baggage that she is carrying as well. The therapist wanted to see both us next week but she said she wanted to go alone. I told her to go. I have been reading a book called "Lonely All The Time" it's a great book and one thing I have discovered is that she may have become co-dependant to my addiction. She reacts to like I am making up execuses and that I am not trying to do anymore. I tell her that this addiction controls me and until I get control of it, it will control me and my thoughts.

Did you leave him or have you stand by him and supported him? How is he doing today?