I know I shouldnt search ressurance. I recently accepted my

I know I shouldnt search ressurance. I recently accepted my thought and first everything felt right. Then I was thinking about what about try to experiment just to see if it was ever real and to be honest I didnt have any spike about that thought. Then I started to cry because I dont want to think that way. I just want everything back as it was. Can HOCD really change you as person ? Because even if I accept my thought it feels like I cant go back to the person I was before. How normal is it that HOCD is just a cover up ? Can it be possible that I just think I have HOCD because Im afraid to face the true?

Huh... You are making a compulsion here..
You know, i think we've all been through those personal questions. The fact that you don't get anxiety from the thought and worry about it is called a "backdoor spike". It's perfectly normal. It's because in a certain way, your anxiety is reassuring, it proves you ARE NOT your thoughts. When it fades away, it's like you accept the thoughts, or even like them. We all feel the same, that's OCD. And it's perfectly normal that at a certain point you don't get anxious from your thoughts... I mean, let's face it, we know the monster, we get used to those thoughts, and they don't bother that much anymore. But that doesn't mean you are becoming gay!
What i would recommend you to do, would be : keep yourself busy! And expose yourself. Do both in the same time. I m a law student, this OCD theme emerged in september. In february they gave us A LOT of work, group works, etc. I had no Time to do the compulsions, and above all, i chose a work group of girls only. I knew it would be hard for me, but i did it. And guess what? My OCD got better !! For two months i had no Time to reassure myself. I had to work, to prepare some work With these other girls. And even if i still get the thoughts, i know they're an obsession. Why? Because by exposing myself, i had a crush.. On a guy !! Then on another one, and so on.. They don't feel like they are forced of anything. They feel true, they feel comfortable.
Keep your head up, it's a long journey and i am still not over it ;-) hold on!

@lovemetender16 hey what you said is really awesome, especially how you described this “monster”. Cheers to you! Glad you are feeling better, sometimes it just “clicks” with people and they start to improve because they notice the OCD cycle. From the sound of it, it looks like you are on your way to a speedy and successful recovery!

@23ygrl. I am in the same boat. I'm at college and I have a boyfriend and I'm a psych major. This has been seriously affecting my relationship with him which has almost been the most scary part because we've always had such a great and loving relationship. The old thoughts don't give me anxiety as much anymore, but when I first didn't feel anxious about gay thoughts I had thought over and over I got a backdoor spike that because I wasn't anxious enough anymore. For a while I didn't want to be around any girls but being at college I have to be so that has been getting better. I still have thoughts around them and sometimes that can cause anxiety. At one point I thought about if I experimented, or tested I would know for sure - but the thought of being with another woman does not turn me on but instead makes me feel sick. But now I'm ruminating on the past and if things in my past prove I'm gay, even though I've always been attracted to men and never had crushes on girls. This is so hard because the OCD will do anything to try to convince you that you are actually gay and it's not just your HOCD.

@beatingOCD13 : thank you :) really glad you liked my post! I know sharing experiences definitely helps the other sufferers, as it helped me too. I'm not completely recovered, but i think it gets better and better. Hope you'll get on that way too ! :) cheers!
@23ygirl: it's impossible to get rid of the thoughts wanting to get rid of them.
First, to focus on concentrate on smthg else, i'd recommand you, as we're both students, to focus on your studies. I know how hard it can be, when you have intrusive thoughts, even when you're studying. But honestly, it's the best way to concentrate on something else. Go to the library, work in front of a wall (not where you can see other girls or you'll be testing yourself all day long). And then, just study. Don't know where you are from, but you surely have to prepare for the exams. So work. Nothing else matters. When you'll get into it, you'll see that you CAN focus on something else. Plus, at the end of the day, you'll be happy to have accomplished something, away from you OCD. That's how it starts. Don't stop studying, and when you have a break, go for a cigaret, if you Check girls around, just focus on your cigaret. Smile. And go back to study. After a long day like that, you'll be tired. The intrusive thoughts will come back. Maybe you'll still have strength to listen to them and reassure yourself. There's nothing wrong With it. And the day after, you start again. Everyday you repeat this, and then, you go talk to the girls you know. Because you have to go one step beyond. In those moments don't allow yourself to seek for reassurance. Talk to them. Ask them how they are, and focus on what they say. Ignore the thoughts. And after doing this, you'll be proud of yourself. Exposing yourself is exhausting. There will be a Time where you'll feel so tired at the end of the day, that you'll just come home, and be too tired to start the compulsions over. And you do that every single day. You'll see. You'll get better.
And please, please don't give up. Talk to girls, that's the very important thing to do. Remember that you have to do it to get better.
Cheers! Hope i helped a bit.