i know where i stand in my identity. im ftm and thats all there is to it. but part of me really wishes i didnt figure it out for a few more years. i still have three and a half years until i can even begin transitioning because my parents refuse to allow me to. i had to get my binder from a giveaway. they screamed at me for days when i came out to the school administration. my chest is getting bigger so my depression is getting worse. i feel so trapped and ive been so close to suicide so many times. i keep telling myself to push through but when my parents wont even let me go to gender therapy to talk through it with someone who understands, i dont know how to get it all out. ive been so lonely and so terribly sad recently. i dont know how even ask my mom to let me go to gender therapy again without getting in trouble. if anyone has any tips i'd really appreciate it. im Miles Oliver, 14, he/him.
this is something you will have to coast through for a while because of your age. I know you feel trapped but others have been down this road. I will admit I know nothing of this. I am male hetero. but one who fully accepts you for who you know you are. hang in there!
I can relate to what you're feeling ('m FtM); I remember being a minor and dealing with coming out, especially in a time when "that sort of thing doesn't exist" (I'm not very old, but lived very, VERY rural, so it may as well have been the 50s...). It felt like forever, for a long time, and I had to find ways to bind and pass without being conspicuous; my first "binders" were doubled-up tight sports bras, which had the added benefit of being subtle binders (since others wouldn't question why I had them, even w/o knowing my identity), while being breathable and much healthier than things like Ace (never use Ace or duct tape, they cause rashes and other problems).
With chest growth, know that a great deal of it will shrink again on hormones, and top surgery can handle the rest. There isn't a "point of no return" so to speak with it. And I'm not sure if it helps, but the struggle I went through by waiting helped me be not only ten times more grateful than if I had gotten it as soon as I first wanted it, but I also was absolutely certain I wanted it; I had to spend so much time with it, that the silver lining was that I saw firsthand that the desire wasn't going away, and definitely not a "phase" (I suspect my family saw my transition as a phase for some time).
The biggest recommendation I can give for loneliness is; you're not alone. I know it sounds cliche, but take a moment, when you feel like it's only you going through it. Imagine that out there, outside your house and maybe in the building across the street, is another person going through the same things. He feels alone too, struggling with dysphoria, feeling he's the only one. He understands what it's like too. I know I do; I still feel that way often. Currently there are 327.2 million people in America (I am assuming your location). Current statistics say .6% of them are trans. That means there are at least 196,320,000 people who understand what we're going through. This article has helped me alot recently; it's written by a non-binary person, but I feel is close enough; https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/9-strategies-for-dealing-with-body-dysphoria-for-gender-queer-and-trans-folks/
I also want to point out; what your parents are doing is absolutely unacceptable. Your options may be limited in what you can do (right now), but it's important that you understand that you don't deserve that kind of treatment, and what they're doing is about their faults, not yours. It's something called "transference"; basically they are screaming at parts of themselves they refuse to acknowledge, so they "see" the faults on you, even though they're not there. At the time I denied that my parents were abusive, and I'm still struggling to remind myself that that kind of behavior - from anyone - is not okay, and reflects a major dysfunction within them. I thought their behavior was justified and I was to blame, but it wasn't. Remind yourself that it isn't your fault either.
Journaling is also a major help for me, when I'm not able to talk to others (my emotions usually get heaviest at night, when others are asleep). Before I start writing it often doesn't feel like it'll help, but as I let go and write things out - especially swearing and non-filtering - it becomes like I'm venting to someone who's a good listener. I feel better afterwards too, like my thoughts have a place to roost instead of looping in my head. A word of caution; given your situation, it may be safer to write it in a computer document saved to cloud storage (Google Drive is free) and password-locked, so your parents can't come across paper copies. Don't let the computer auto-save your password to it.
Last couple things; depending on where you are, you may have a PFLAG (https://pflag.org/find-a-chapter) chapter you can attend. They're very supportive and great for resources, even if all you can do is call/email them and can't attend the meetings. And there is a site called 7Cups (https://www.7cups.com/) that offers free one-on-one chatrooms with people who are trained listeners; they are there to be with you and chat with you about what's going on, and are primarily trained for emotional stuff (depression, etc). Basically, they're trained to be like a good friend. There is also a bunch of cool mental health stuff you can do on the site if you're not up for talking to someone directly, but I've found it has helped me alot in the night hours to remind me that people - even those without dysphoria - can be willing to be there with me and listen.
Good luck, sorry if this is a text wall. At the risk of sounding cliche; it gets better. It really does. I know it because I've lived it, and I've lived through some pretty not-great things. Right now, though it may not feel that way, you're showing how incredibly strong your spirit is, and how strong you are to be able to see who you are even when others push back. That's a gift few know in their lifetime.
Also, I definitely recommend arts or crafts; it was mentioned in the first article, and I agree with it. I find that when I am creating something, it doesn’t matter who I am (in the good way); what matters is I am bringing something into the world that has never been here before. Something beautiful and significant.