I lack the confidence and always feel I'm second to everyone else It's made me distant with people

I lack the confidence and always feel second to everyone else. I have 2 people that I feel confident with and I can almost be myself. But when I'm around new people I get quiet and hardly say a word. I start to feel like I'm stupid and they are listening to every word I say and picking my grammer apart. I know I'm not the best writer or talk well but when I get around people I know have alot of education I feel very low/down on myself. My partner and I went on a trip to visit his friends and I hardly talked all weekend. But when it's just me and my partner I talk all the time. I'm in training this week and I want to ask questions but I feel like people are going to think "really, did you just ask that question" "you should know that already" so I don't ask and just sit in the back listening. I'm 37 and need to get over this. But I just can't. It's made me not have any friends except for my partner and one other friend who is 85. Then when I'm around other people I get jealous because again I feel down on myself and feel like they will take my partner away. It's also made my partner and I not have any friends to hang out with. I know that is not good for a relationship. I want to get over this but I just don't know how. Help me! I really need HELP.

I often have the same problem as you, sometimes I have a hard time even thinking of good things to say during conversations, but lately I have been trying to just say whats on my mind, because usually, even if it doesn't come out right, its understood. I am the same way in thinking that my grammar may not come out how I thought or that the people I am talking to will leave thinking I am just plain stupid, but as long as we know we are not complete idiots, I think we should both go out there and give opening up to other people a try.

Thank you so much for your reply to my posting. I know your right it’s just hard to get there. I’m so hard on my self and need to think more positive of myself. Like I said when I get around other people I feel they are smarter, better looking, better shape and every better than me. I need to try to think differently and think positive and when I start to think negative think of something else.

Well again thank you for replying to my posting and I really hope all is well with you.


There's certainly been times where I've almost said something out loud but kept quiet for fear of someone judging me or thinking I was stupid.
But after reading your post, it suddenly hit me, maybe you're afraid that YOU will think your questions are stupid. What if everyone in that room has the same exact questions as you, but feel everyone will think they are stupid for asking them? Would you judge them for asking or not already knowing the answer? Probably not. So why would others (or even yourself) judge you? And if they did, why would it matter? Why do we give others' opinions more value than our own? Just some things to think about...and I'm saying all of that to myself as much as I am anyone else. There's been so many times that I've held my tongue in fear of either feeling or being looked upon as stupid.
I wish you all the best, honey. Know that YOU are valuable and your THOUGHTS are valuable. And if anyone thinks differently it's their loss and it makes room for those who love you for exactly who you are.

First thanks for replying to my posting. It means alot to me that someone took the time to read it and tried to help. Thank you!

I’m sure your right and I just have to give it a try. Another thing I have a problem with is that with my life style I’m around alot of smart mouth people (very quick wit). So that is another reason why I’m stay quiet because they answer back so quickly. I find myself quick witted when I’m around people I’m comfortable with. But then I’m insecure about my looks, body, and just everything. I feel everyone looks better and is smarter than me. I’m sure your thinking wow, this person has a problem. I know I know I do. I just don’t know how to get over it.

In my relationship I want us to have friends but I feel that my partner will find someone else or someone will try to steal my partner. But as you said I can only be me and I should not care about what other people think. I feel that I am a really fun guy with alot of energy but act so different around other people. I can go on and on but don’t want to be a broken record. I need help.

Well I hope all is well with you and again thank you…


I am the same way BMO. I unfortunately don't have any sage advice or self help to give, but I wanted you to know you aren't the only one who feels this way.
I do all the time, even with family. It's hard to try & quiet the inner critic, but maybe one day we'll both figure out how to do it. :) Stay strong.

I am new at this and not sure if this is where I am suppose to post. If not maybe someone can help me in the right direction. The above stories I can relate to. I to don't have any friends and afraid of losing the only one I do have. we met 10 years ago and became good friends. I gave up any friends I did have. Now I am on disability and can't work and stay home and have no friends while she works and has friends and can go out . She invites me but I just don't fit in. I feel so lonely. I feel jealous of her new friends and I know I shouldn't and don't want to but I do.
I have tried to deal with it but I am not doing a very good job of it.Don't want her to know I feel this way so someone please help me.

I know exactly what you mean about being insecure, even around those you're comfortable with. I've never been extremely comfortable in my own skin, but the older I get the less comfortable with myself I get.
I've never been extremely thin and I've never really thought of myself as pretty. Since I wasn't part of the "popular" crowd and all the boys I liked never wanted to date me, I considered myself average.
The only time I ever felt confident in my looks was with my first boyfriend. I'm not exactly sure why, but suddenly I felt sexy. Not all the time, and there were still things about myself I didn't like...but I suddenly felt very comfortable about myself.
But over the past couple of years, I've been through a couple really bad break-ups, getting fired from my first "real" job after college, having to move back in with my parents because of financial reasons and severe depression. I've gained 50 lbs. since I graduated college (I've since lost 20-25 lbs, and hope to lose the remaining 30) and I struggle with acne (something I've dealt with since a very young age, but I had hoped would go away the older I got...it hasn't). I haven't had a serious relationship in a year. I feel unattractive, unlovable, undesirable, boring and just plain horrible about myself. I'm more uncomfortable with myself than ever before. I honestly don't know why anyone would like me. My self-esteem is at an all-time low and has been like that for the past several years.
I'm sure this seems completely contradictory to my first post, heh. And I wish I could tell you how to overcome this sort of thing, but it's a daily struggle for me too. I feel like I've completely lost myself and I have no idea how to get the "old" me back.

I am like this too!

My counsellor is really nice, and she said that you have to sit back and think to yourself...

'they are only human, what's the worst they can do?'

I did this when I met a really nice guy for the first time, and even though I was shaking when I was walking to meet him for a coffee, it worked and I managed to be ok...well, ok for me heheh! Also, she said if you ask people lots of questions, even if you're not genuinely interested, conversation is easier as people do like to talk about themselves.

I know it sounds a bit weird, but it did help me! In fact, I got into a relationship with that guy :D Hope this helped a little bit :)

Ruth x