I'm hoping to find some supportive friends here. :-) So far I've seen some really wonderful and helpful conversations; I want to say hello and as a precursor, Thank You.
I'm a 31yr old female living in southern Nevada. I hardly know where to begin with my story - and I apologize for the length of this post - though I'm sure what I experienced growing up is hardly uncommon. I am a woman that is happy with herself and her life decisions, but certain emotions and realizations have been coming to the surface recently that are scary and difficult to deal with. I am currently undergoing couples therapy with my fiancee and will be seeking one-on-one therapy for myself going forward, as well.
I grew up in southeastern Michigan with my parents and two older brothers. I was closer to my father when I was a young girl (up to about age 6 or 7) as my mom suffered from depression and my dad always seemed to be the fun one. Once my mom started seeking help for her depression I became closer to her, and as I began to age and grow into womanhood I began to realize that my father was a completely different person than he seemed when I was little. I'm sure that part of this is because of those young, innocent, carefree days where nothing else matters but getting to play outside with your friends.
I vaguely remember nights during my youth, where I would wake up to strange sounds and find that it was something with my father. One night I was wakened by a loud crash right outside my bedroom door - it was my father passing out cold on the wooden floor in the hallway. I remember a time when he pulled a photo of a small child out of his wallet and told me "This is my little girl" and began sobbing uncontrollably. (He had a child with another woman before he and my mother married. I don't know her name or her mother's name.) Somehow I always knew he was not well because things like that happened so frequently but, at five years old, how much can you diagnose?
In Jr. High School there was a day where my parents were fighting and I wanted to escape it. They never exhibited physical altercations but yelling was forefront in my parents fights. I hopped onto my bicycle to head to a girlfriends house. My father had called after me and I called, "I'm going to Jessica's house" - somehow though I was near the bottom of the driveway pedaling the bike several hundred feet away from him - he caught up with me, yanked the bike to a stop and ripped me off of the bicycle by my hair, literally dragging me into the house. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs for help. I've never seen the neighborhood so empty.
My mom didn't see what happened, and my father told her that nothing happened and that I was lying when I told her about it. (Only recently, within the last 8mos, has she recognized the situation verbally to me.) They took me to some sort of a counselor and told the counselor that I was lying, and outside of the counselor's presence I was told that I was an ungrateful daughter. I was often spoken in ways like, "Oh yes, we ABUSE YOU!" surrounding the situation. I'm still dealing with some of these memories and emotions today. In High School and throughout my early college years I was very active in performing arts (Choir mainly). He missed several of my biggest concerts because he "forgot".
Flash forward to 2009. When the economy sunk, my fiancee and I moevd out of our apartment and moved in with my parents to help pay their mortgage so they would not lose their house. It was financially beneficial to us as well - it was a huge help and allowed us to get back on our feet after my fiancee had lost his job.
Unfortunately I began to realize that my father is a drug addict. I understand that there are a lot of people who don't share my views on what is and is not drugs, so please understand that I have an extreme distaste for anyone who lets a controlled or illegal substance take precedence of your life & your family. Throughout my school days I was enrolled in a "Just say No" program (kind of like DARE) and it was extremely important to me, and is a big part of who I am today at 31.
My father grows and smokes marijuana and may possibly be a seller as well - I don't know for sure. There was one day that I visited my parents just before we moved in with them, and there was a huge tree of a plant growing in their backyard next to the rosebushes. It was like a massive, ridiculous joke! I couldn't believe what I was seeing. During the year that we lived with my parents it was as if though we were living with an alcoholic (but with these plants). He would 'hide' them in plain sight and scramble to 'hide' them even further if I was around. He made excuses for everything on a day to day basis - even something as simple as to whether he picked up the mail that day. He is often either falling asleep, extremely distant and dis-associated with everyone around him, ridiculous, not making sense and slurring, etc. It's incredibly embarassing and painful to be around him.
The last time I saw my father was last summer. He essentially threw a tantrum during my shared birthday party with my sister in law, and after that day I cut all ties with him. I will not allow myself to be treated like something that crawled out from underneath a rock anymore. Just because he helped create me doesn't mean that I owe him anything in the way of feeling hurt, degraded and ridiculous on a daily basis.
In the last several months since my fiancee and I began couples therapy, I've become curious about the way I handle day to day situations, and why it is that I handle them that way. I often feel that people don't like me or don't want to be associated with me. I notice that in today's world of connectivity (where you're always connected to the internet somehow), people are more dis-associated than ever.. and I can't help but admit that it makes me a little sad. I also feel like I was the 'replacement' daughter. I wonder if the reason why my father's first daughter was not allowed to see him, is because of his drug addictions and tendencies -- or was it something worse? I wish there were a way I could contact this girl and her mother.
I know that some of this sounds a jumbled mess and I apologize, but hopefully some of it makes sense. :-) Is there anyone out there who feels these things?
Thanks everyone..