I live with my mother, with whom technically, we get along f

I live with my mother, with whom technically, we get along fine. She's a good and moral person, but I have felt many times in my life she is a martyr. She has definitely suffered more than she could have ever expected; my dad cheated on her and apparently scared her enough to want to move to other states. In terms of my father, I have sparse meetings with him after my therapist suggested resuming a relationship with him.

Back to my mother. In the past, if I got angry, upset, or uncomfortable, she in turn would get angry at me to get me stop, or chastised me. Some incidents seem small, like when she and a friend of hers touched my hair because it had a distinctive style; when I showed I was not comfortable with it, she made me feel like I overreacted. More moderate cases included if I was upset, and when my mother asked about it, I reacted suspiciously and angrily. My feeling is she should have recognized there were trust issues and been constructive about it, but she in turn reacted angrily and I buried the hurt emotions deeper to protect myself. I believe she currently has a positive outlook on how I and my sister were raised; she recently said she just remembered the two of us as "kids being kids", which bothered and relieved me at the same time. She had once said that she had spoiled me and my sister and on another occasion she left us alone without explanation for an evening because she had gotten on my sister's case and I had teamed up with my sister against her.

Nowadays, I am left with fears of persecution, humiliation, or being controlled. I am employed and attend college, yet I still feel the need to keep busy so that my mother won't suddenly burst in and get mad at me for doing nothing. I still get very frustrated when she frequently offers unsolicited advice, as she has in the past. I have autism, so I feel people have a bad habit of treating me like an idiot. I still feel like regardless of whether I am dealing with work and school, if I don't do dishes the moment they can be done or don't rake the leaves, I'll be the lazy or inconsiderate one.

Thanks for not responding, guys.

@Mo66box Hello, I’m very sorry you didn’t get replies from any of us. Unfortunately sometimes a post gets gets pushed down further before others in that group sees it. I’ve had it happen to me several times. It does help if you post it in 3 groups that way more people are likely to see it.
I think it would be a good idea for you to talk with a counselor for a while. I’m sorry you have gone through that with your mother. We can learn alot by looking things up and reading on it. I believe you could benefit from learning how to be more assertive in a productive way but a person needs to practice I so start reading how to be more assertive and look for examples. If you see a counselor ask them about it too. Learning about boundaries and what yours are is very important. It’s ok to let someone know that they are crossing your boundaries, even your mother. Letting them know in a calm confident way is perfectly ok. So if they keep doing it then you stand your ground, you are in control of you. Sure it’s upsetting, I’m not saying it isn’t upsetting but the more you practice everytime your mother starts to talk to you in a way that you are not ok with then you need to have general plans ahead of time of what you will say. You can practice reading it out loud to yourself.
Maybe it would help you if they let you know (ahead) of time when they would like you to do something and not right that moment. It’s kind of hard for some people to just drop what you’re doing to go do what someone else wants you to do. Try to let them know if they tell you in advance when they want something done then you can plan ahead to do it. Unfortunately people with autisim need to learn how to advocate for themselves. They need to remind people or tell people what some things are like for them so others have a better understanding. For example, it’s common for people on the spectrum to talk in a more monotone voice it can sound serious or uncaring when that isn’t the case most of the time, so it’s important to give reminders to friends, peers and family even though family should know but the truth is even family members either forget or aren’t sure so it’s up to that person to remind them and say " hey I know I might not of sounded like I’m happy about that but I am". Or I didn’t mean to sound rude that’s just how I talk. There’s hundreds of examples.
I’ll support you ok.

Thank you, this is good advice. Sorry for the way I responded.

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@Mo66box Hey, I’ve been disappointed many times after posting and nobody replied. I think a lot of people just come on once in awhile unfortunately. I hope you are doing a little better today.