I’m at a loss. I think I want to and need to leave my fian

I’m at a loss. I think I want to and need to leave my fiancé. He’s been verbally abusive to me for about a year and a half.. even while I was pregnant. Last week he tackled me onto the bed and hit me. After this he said he wanted to be better and apologized. My therapist says to make a pros and cons list about it. She thought that the language he used in his recent apology was genuine and showed signs of him actually being ready to work on things and change. I know I should probably make this pros and cons list regardless. I feel like the cons list is going to be way bigger at this point. I guess I’m not scared of realizing if I want to be with him anymore or not. I’m scared of the guilt I’ll feel and that he’ll make me feel when I leave. We have one car that I bought so it’s in my name and I’d take it. I’d take all of my stuff. I’d also take our daughter because of his anger and a lot of other reasons. Any time I say behavior isn’t okay he tells me to leave. When I say that maybe I should he replies with oh well I’ll be homeless again because you’ll take the car or throws out how he’d basically just end it all. I know that in itself is emotionally abusive too.. how do I get past my guilt?

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I know it's not exactly what you asked but he's being verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to you which is NEVER ok. Along with being manipulative, which once again, is NEVER ok. Generally, there's no reason for you to feel quilts. Even if he's truly changing, it's not worth keeping you and your daughter in that situation.

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@Jordan5683 literally just as you posted this I told him I was done

Bamm960. Exactly. You do not want to raise your daughter in this environment as it will be what she knows and impact her future relationships! trust me and the bazillion other people on here who grew up in emotionally unhealthy families…. Your daughter deserves healthy.

You are not responsible for your adult fiancé or his choices or the consequences of his actions. IF he makes a suicidal statement, you can call 911 and his family. Even when/if you leave—he can choose to cope well or he may cope very poorly and have a suicide attempt. If so, you get emergency help for his safety as a decent human being…that is it It’s not your fault

I stress that “he’s responsible for himself” part as it is really hard to have that on our shoulders….hugs.
You may need to call a domestic violence shelter in your area and discuss him at length eith them. Maybe they can assess the risk factor with him and how to safely get away. Abusive men do not always cope well with rejection Leaving them is the time of greatest risk of violence. You and your daughter need safety A DV shelter can assess him and your situation, give you tips on getting away etc
Good luck Let us know how it goes

@NCMom totally agree. Hitting you is never ok and I am shocked that your therapist did not tell you to call the police. Physical abuse generally gets worse and you are probably not safe. Domestic violence shelter should be able to help you leave safely and quietly. Abusers will likely escalate if they know you are leaving. Secure finances if possible. Say nothing, leave in secret and or have police escort. Police removed my abusive ex, from our home. Abusers are good at blaming us for their abuse. Therapy will help you see the truth that you are never to blame. Guilt and shame are part of the abusers brainwashing. You will heal with time and healthy experiences. I had a young child also so me leaving and being homeless was not an option.

I’m sorry your going through this. I think with getting past this guilt might be helpful just to remind yourself he’s grown man. Your not his momma… if he’s homeless or harms himself that’s his problem, his fault not yours. How can anyone expect someone to stay after with him after mistreating like that? Sounds like he has severe issues… I think your making best choice for you and your daughter. You guys don’t deserve that! He needs to grow up and figure it out on his own. At end of day, that’s what we all have to do in life.. nobody can fix us or change us but ourselves. Hope you get to safe place and he leaves you alone n quits abusing n mistreating you! Have you looked up safe ways to get away yet? Sometimes when people are violent like that it’s best to not give clue of your plans or where you will end up out of safety. I think you may want to consider filing police report also so there’s documentation in case something crazy happen in future n he gets really crazy n you need file restraining order. Good luck, I keep you in my prayers!

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@Foundlove very good advice. @BMM960: You really do need documentation. Keep a journal of everything you remember in case this ever becomes a legal matter. Never hurts to consult with a lawyer but quietly of course. Safety first. xx

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