I need a place to vent about my family (this will be kind of

I need a place to vent about my family (this will be kind of a long post)
On the outside I come from a pretty average family I have two parents and two older sisters. But on the inside I live in an environment that takes a heavy tull on me every single day. My middle sister, S has intense anxiety I struggle with anxiety as well but very different to hers. It controls her whole life to the point where she can barely function I have so much sympathy for her I really do but the problem is how it is handled in our house. My mom is the kind of person who will take one online class and then think she is a doctor also because of how extreme S's anxiety is she thinks that S is the only one who is actually struggling. S is three years older than me and for as long as I can remember I have been her comfort person, and the person who is responsible for helping her manage her anxiety in day to day life. I was never allowed to just be a kid and go have fun because I always knew that no matter what I would have to drop everything I was doing in a second for my sister. For most of my life she hit me, said horrible things to me and about me and used to force me to do things I was very uncomfortable doing and would threaten me If I didn't do them. But that was never something I was allowed to talk about or have feelings about because it "upsets her" so I was never allowed to have an emotion. For my early childhood my dad wasn't really around that much, so it was just me my mom and sisters but I had to learn to be very independent from a very young age so I could help my mom with managing S. My mom never exactly asks for my help, but always gets mad at me if I don't help. around 3 years ago S told us that she had been SA'd as a child and told us that it happened because the person who was taking care of us removed me from the room because I was a fussy 2 year old leaving her alone in that situation. For months I blamed myself I hated myself believed that everything I had ever had to do for her was deserved. I wanted to spend my whole life punishing myself for that one moment and I became extremely depressed. Well 8 months lated S finally tells us she lied. Turns out not only did she lie but my parents had known for months. Months for 8 months they knew it was all a lie and knew how much it was affecting me and never said a word. But I wasn't allowed to talk about it I wasn't allowed to be mad at them or her. I wasn't allowed to have any emotions about any of it because it upset them. So I was just forced to stuff it all down. My relationship with my parents has never been the same. I was a 12 year old little girl when all of this happened and I was forced to process it all alone. I was always told not to share this story with anyone so I haven't really ever talked about it, but on here no one knows who I am so I guess its fine. Today I have been locked in our house for basically 2 months taking care of S. We all have. I fight with my mom daily and I just don't know how to keep living like this. I am still a minor and don't even have a drivers license yet so have no where to go. I feel like my life isn't my own anymore and am scared to be anything that I want to be because I don't know how much more of the fighting I can take. On top of that while I do love S with my whole heart I mean she is my big sister I adore her and she means so much to me, but I have resentment towards her and my parents but her too. I feel awful for feeling this way and it breaks my heart that I do but I just can't make the feeling go away. If anyone actually reads this post any advice is welcome, but other than that it just feels good to not just hold all this in.

1 Heart

Wow you have been thru a lot and I'm glad to see you shared this. First, it sounds like your mom is possibly not understanding how much a diagnosis of one child AFFECTS the whole family -especially you, who seems to be doing a lot of her 'caretaking!'
S's illness may be something your mom has no idea how to handle. Is 'S' in a therapist's care? Has a plan or protocol been prescribed for S?
Your whole family (sorry what did you say about your dad not being there? Does he live w you?) would feel a lot better if there was some kind of Treatment plan in place for S.
Nothing's going to change for any of you unless 'communication happens'...
I think you are very brave for recognizing your state of anxiety and being concerned about fixing that!
Your mom sounds very passive-aggressive and not making good choices. Leaving out vital info about S lying really impacted you and you are rightfully angry about her choice. No mother should ever (and I mean ever!) pit one child against another by her imbalanced attention she's giving S leaving you and your emotional needs -high and dry.
That is creating bitterness and resentment. You need to have an important conversation with your mom about how you feel, if you can before this gets any further.

Trauma affects families and each member very differently but you absolutely could and 'should be allowed' to talk about all this with others. Other extended grandparents, aunts, uncles, trusted school counselors or church Youth Team guidance members.
It sounds like you are younger possibly under 15-16 so you need to get into an appt with your Primary doctor's office and let a professional know about your mental /emotional condition. This should be private w/o mom in the room.
I have faith you can get help for yourself soon, keep going...

2 Hearts

Thank you so much for replying, to answer your question about my father, he is a part of my life and does live with us. But when I was little he moved away from us for about a year on and off for his job as we lived in a different state than his job was based in. My parents made the choice back then to live separately for many different reasons that I won't go into, but today my dad does live with us and my parents are still together. As for S being in treatment that has been pretty complicated and inconsistent my parents don't want to medicate her and she is very resistant about therapy. But she is in care though it is inconsistent. The real issue about that is S is 18 and now technically a legal adult but she still lives with us and is still under our parents full time care. But because she is no longer a minor her being resistant to therapy has become a much bigger issue. Also yes I am young, I am at the age where in my state I can get a learners permit within the next few months, but as of right now my parents and other older sister are my only form of transportation. I also don't have a great relationship with my extended family, I love them but half of them are on the other side of the country, and the other half has the exact same approach as my mother when it comes to S's situation. I really do need an outside source to talk to but I don't really have access to anyone I trust enough to speak freely with like I said in my original post my mother has banned me from sharing any of this information with anyone and to be honest im scared of what she will do if she found out I did share it. I hope this answers some of your questions, I also want to say thank you so much for responding, I can't tell you how good it feels to finally talk about some of this stuff.

2 Hearts

@HWillow227 first, yw & 2nd, you seem to be mature and well rounded which makes it more complicated. Even tho you are independent, you still need loving direction in an ‘in-between’ phase of life.
I remember how impatient I myself was at 15,16 and a middle child. The fact that you depend on your mom or sister for driving is, unfortunately typical for teenagers. You might have to be somewhat patient until you pass your driver’s ED and start getting a little more freedom. It will eventually happen.
You are in a kind of ‘Catch-22’’ with possible ‘Codependent’ leanings toward S whom you love but are so frustrated with. I guess I’m trying to figure out if your mom is using you as S’s ‘Caregiver’ even tho S is 18. If her condition is that severe she needs to be evaluated for Disability diagnosis. That is quite a step for your family to move into
Realize this tho, you do not have to endure abuse, physically hit by her.
Your mother needs to understand this is YOUR life too. You need to feel SAFE.
I would give anything to have my 15th & 16th yrs back…there was little stability in my fam and I got lost in the chaos. Took me yrs to correct the damage.
Tell us what kind of interests you enjoy, what small things make you smile, then build on those…
You relate things very well :slight_smile:

If you're school age, any adults/teachers there to confide in? Good you can be honest here. Sadly, not being able to express your feelings is abusive.
Very sorry you are in this situation. Never ever blame yourself. Gaslighting is when abusers want us to feel shame and guilt for their bad behavior. Isolating you from healthy society is another form of abuse. Be safe and best wishes.

@andine
Thank you so much for your kind words<3 it really means a lot to me.

How are you doing -anything change for you?

@Littlesis7
Hi again, thanks for checking in things have gotten better. We ended up going back to where we live as my parents realized that being away from our whole lives wasn’t helping anything. I was also able to sit down and have a honest conversation with my parents about how much I was struggling and how I just wasn’t ok and for once they actually listened. A big part of the responsibility with my sisters still falls on me and things are still hard, and my relationship with my parents is still very strained. But I have worked hard to build some outside support and escapes from my family as a way to have a break. Another big bright side is that S has FINALLY agreed to do therapy and is now in at least some form of treatment another bright side of that is that I get to meet with the therapist that she works with a sometimes for some outside support which is something that I requested from my parents. I don’t really feel comfortable completely opening up to the therapist, because the one time I did she got hell bent on talking to my parents but in the least she helps give me tools about how to deal with my sister and my parents, so while she doesn’t help with everything it helps some. So all and all, im better, not great by any means but better. Thank you for checking in, you have literally no idea how nice it is to just talk to someone who I feel like at least cares enough to keep checking in, so thank you.