I need advice on helping my daughter get over a two year rel

I need advice on helping my daughter get over a two year relationship. She is a senior and the guy has been her best friend since 7th grade . I don't know how to help her move past it. He says he wanted to give them time to adjust to up just being friends before they potentially go to the same college. He doesn't think they should be in a relationship when they go to college and he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. She is trying to be at a friend level but he isn't trying to hard back but he wasn't the best about spending time and talking over the holidays because of his family before.

Get stoned with your daughter and tell her life is a river. Done. Kidding - about the getting stoned part. Life is indeed a river. Sometimes we share a portion of the journey with someone or a group of people -- and then currents diverge and we all float in new directions. It's hard for her to NOT feel this as rejection. It's awesome that he wants to be friends. I've shared with my daughter the number of times I've broken up with someone and we HAVE stayed friends. An old boyfriend from college -- we were pen pals for the longest time until his wife told him to stop. There was nothing untoward in the exchanges and I made a few mix CDs for him -- he liked my weird taste in music --- but I respected the fact that she was freaked out. Maybe that rascal gave her good reason to worry. I quit writing at his request. Another old boyfriend from that era -- he and I took a road trip a few months ago and stayed a few days with some friends of his who live in the woods. It was fun. Our hosts shared with me that they asked him - do we make up one bed or two? Two, was his reply. We are indeed just buddies. I was 25 when he and I were lovers --- I'm 57 now. So while the relationship lasted a lovely 2 years --- the friendship has lasted far longer. I know that stories of the importance and value of friendship are not going to help your daughter feel any better. Besides, who knows if he is sincere about being friends. Time will tell. Time, as it happens, is also the healer of most wounds - except the fatal ones. Does she have other friends to hang with? Whenever I got dumped or found out a bf was unfaithful and dumped his *** --- my friends would help me burn all the stuff the guy had ever given to me. Or rip it up. Fun and cathartic. What it boils down to in life is -- you can't hang on to people who are leaving. She has no idea who is going to come into her life in all the years to come. She's staring at the empty spot where he used to be. All my best friends -- I met in college. My VERY BEST FRIEND of over 26 years -- I met on my wedding day. My step mom had hired her to help out at the wedding. So now that I'm divorced, my old wedding aniversary is now my friendship anniversary with my BFF. For our "silver" 25th anniversary we took a trip!! Feelings are so intense around break ups and are intensified by youth - both hormones and inexperience. With experience comes the wisdom that these horrible feelings do indeed fade with time.

Thanks for your stories and advice. I think she is having more trouble with the fact that this is the best friend who got her through all the other break ups. There is more time invested into their friendship than in their dating. She needs the friendship. They have the same schedule and do al, the same activities and will probably be the leads in Cinderella the school musical. They also have the same top college choice. I am just concerned that he isn't being sincere, but he might be just having a tough time himself, they had decided to break up before college and he told her that he was just afraid they would both be sad and fighting the rest of the year, and he wanted them to have time to regain their friendship. Guys are different so I keep thinking he needs sone space from her before they are around each other nonstop when school resumes

Don't tell your daughter but being a fickle, young man, he probably wants to move on altogether but says he wants to remain friends to avoid hurting her. You need to make sure she steps up her social life, family outings, hobbies, interests etc so she doesn't dwell on what has happened and become depressed. Do you have a pet or a friend with a small baby..these types of things can distract young women sufficiently until the storm has passed. She is lucky to have you swimming alongside her...she can't go wrong. Best wishes

Dana I hope you are wrong. They had actually spent lots of time together the days before together. He isn't very mature and his mom has a lot of influence on him. She thought they were too serious, so I am not convinced he wanted to end things. He didn't tell her he wanted to break up until she got him to talk about what was bothering him. The first two days after they were texting but then when his family got into town he wasn't replying. Today when she called him on it he said sorry and said he was just busy with family. His mother takes the family time very seriously. He wasn't allowed to have her over while these people were there

1 Heart

Dana15 --- I kinda had the same thought but refrained from throwing in mere supposition. WHO KNOWS what is really going through the kid's head. I always say the proof is in the pudding (which is weird because I always put milk in my pudding). In other words, the young lady should allow some time to pass and see how he behaves, over the long term. But I do agree with you Dana15 - he's a young man and doesn't want to show up for college unable to "date" everything yummy young thing he sees. It's likely he's trying very hard to make this as easy as possible on his dear friend.

I don't want you guys to think I am naive but honestly they have been best friends since junior high. He has been her emotional rock. The last two years of dating were very sweet between them and he was worried we would be mad at him for this. They have been pretty honest with each other over the last few years and he has told her he wants to be single while he is in college but he wants her to be there as his friend. She told him she wanted to keep dating him. I say he is immature because he told her he doesn't want to be sad and fighting with her because it would ruin their senior year. They need to be done dating because they aren't seeing the relationship the same way, but she really needs this friendship. They aren't telling people they broke up until after the musical is cast because their director has been known to make cast changes because of break ups. They were the leads in the last three shows. They have even talked about if they can handle the stage kissing.

I was in a similar situation. A friend and I started dating, and I guess the difference between us and your daughter is that she developed stronger feelings for her friend, whereas my friend and I decided that dating was awkward and just went back to the way things were before.
I'm not one that can be friends with an ex, especially if I had strong feelings for them. My suggestion would be that she should start to distance herself from him, just a little at a time. Not talk as much, not spend as much time together. Maybe make new friends? Biggest thing I can suggest, is that they not spend a lot of time alone together. Having other friends around to enforce that they're friends, and not more than that may help some.
If they get back together in college, then they do...but maybe tell her not to try for that outcome. Just live life and if they happen, then they happen, and if they don't then she's not disappointed and hurt.

Thanks. I don't think they are meant to be at least right now. I don't know who had the stronger feelings. He had liked her before she did, but she puts her heart and soul into whatever she does. I think her biggest concern is losing him as a friend. She wasn't sure she even wanted to date him because she wanted him as a friend more. Before they started dating they agreed to find a way to be friends when it stopped working. Unfortunately my daughter keeps her social life small, so there isn't a multitude of people she wants to spend time with. For her this friendship is the relationship without holding hands and kissing. She hopes he can see it the same way because he was the one who initiated the break.