I Need advice!

Mental Health Depression & Mood Disorders
1

*takes deep breath* wow, where do I start....

The person who I trusted the most in my life cheated on me. She was my first love and I honestly thought she was gonna be my last. We've been together since we were 16 years old and we've been through alot but we managed to stay together (i like to think) because of the love we had for each other. We basically grew up together, we are now 25 years old.

We've always had our ups and downs but we always managed to work through those. This january, however, after one of our fights, she left and days after she left I called her because I wanted to work things out. at this point she said she wanted nothing to do with me, that she was done, that she didn't love me anymore. I was in shock, I couldn't believe that years of sharing a life together could end just like that. not only that but I honestly thought that whatever the fight was about was dumb and I never thought that would be the end of our relationship. Like I said I was in shock.

I basically begged her come back because I couldn't comprehend what was happening. I begged her and she decided to come back, to give me a chance. Once she came back though she came back with a really nasty attitude. She started treating me bad... she would say things like, "if someone doesn't wanna be with the other person, they shoudln't be forced to." She started rejecting everything in our life. Like she would say how tired she was of my family and my friends. We hardly spoke anymore. We slept in the same bed but she wouldn't cuddle me anymore. She was in her own world during the day and when it was time to sleep she would come to bed and just fall asleep, sometimes without even talking to me. For my birthday she didn't come with me to celebrate. The whole time I was in extreme pain and had anxiety attacks wondering when she would tell me she was leaving for good.

When she first came back I had asked what had changed, she had no answer for me. she just said she didnt love me anymore but she didnt say why. I asked her if there was someone else and she said no. January, February, and March were pretty much a nightmare but in April after being in so much pain I finally broke down and told her that I was tired of her making such painful comments, she said she was gonna leave once the semester was over (by the summer) I told her that that was fine but that I just couldnt take her comments anymore, that if she was going to stay that I was just going to ask her to stop the comments. When we talked that time she finally broke down and said that she was recentful towards my family because we never (for different reasons) celebrated her bday. We cried and after she wanted us to go to a fair, so we went. I was still really confussed because I didnt know if that meant we were working things or that she was still leaving in the summer. Her bday come around and unfortunately our family and friends were busy the weekend of her bday, but I had made it my mission to make this one bday very special so she would knwo how special she was to me.

I planned a surprise bday party and got all our friends and family to help me. I wanted her to feel loved. I was extremely busy planning the party and the day before her bday party when I came home she went off on me bc I didnt make it home when i told her i would be home. The way she behaved that night left me feeling that there was something really wrong going on. I didnt know what it was but I just had a gut feelign. That night after she went to sleep I just couldnt fight the urge and went searching through her email and facebook and other accoutns. To my surprise she had been having an affair with someone online since jan. Everything made sense then, all her behavior finally made sense.

when I confronted her she showed no emotion, no remorse, while I was falling apart. I didn't know what to do, my whole family and friends were waiting for us to get to the party. I didnt know what to do so I basically told her that we were going to her surprise party and that afterwards she could leave. the party was a nightmare but in a way I enjoyed making her feel guilty. Everyone was saying how sweet I was for planning her a surprise party and how I took the time with details that I knew she would love. She felt really guilty then. She was really sad the whole time while I was really mad. On our way home after the party I broke down again. just crying. when we got home I just told her that we should go to sleep that she could leave the next day. I wanted time to think and see if I could forgive what she had done. The next day I woke up to dig for more stuff on the affair. I wanted to know if I could forgive her. Reading emails and chats they've had was more than enough torture. In the end she broke down and told me she felt like i didnt apreciate her, that I never made her feels special, that this person she chated with was there just to catch her when she was falling. To be fair we were both freaking depressed and stressed about school and our career choices and we were basically going through a quoater life crisis. She was just the weak one who ended up cheating. She said that that person told her all the things she wanted to hear but that those things only meant alot coming from me but i never said those thigns to her.

I told her that I still believed in her and that we could fix things. In the end she decided to walk and here I am now...

still confussed as hell....

a week after she left I called her and basically told her that I still wanted to work things out with her but that maybe we needed sometime a part to figure things out. I suggested a three month break. I promised that I would change to be the romantic person I knew I could be and she promised something too. so we kinda agreed on that.

since the day she left I havent been able to sleep well. Ive lost a lot of weight. Ive lost the will to thrive. I'm just like a zombie most days. I miss her. I miss her terribly. I have many regrests. I know she was the one who cheated but I know that I caused my share of pain too. We continue to talk on the phone on a weekly basis but I'm the one who always calls. I know shes happy to hear from me because she doesnt wanna hang up. Were usually on the phone for hours. last time we talked we talked for 4 hours because she didnt wanna hang up. I havent seen her since sheleft though, I think it would be too much for me right now. She's leaving next week to visit her family in another state and she wont be back until the end of august. But I guess we kinda agree that we are gonna try again? I'm not even sure. I just go by her mix messages.

I'm just so confussed and dont know what the hell im doing.

I go from thinking we can work it out to I dont think I can live with what she did to me. I love her, I have no doubt about that. We've been through so much that I feel like giving up now would be stupid. I've realized many things that I did now that shes gone and sometimes I cry out of regret and sometimes I cry out of feeling hurt. I just wanna be happy. I want this feelign of emptiness to go away.

Any advice?

2

Sometimes you have to let someone go and if they come back it is meant to be. During your time away you need to do things to make you happy. What ever that is, I can tell you one thing for sure depending on others for you happiness can be a bad thing. I am not saying you shouldn't be sad, you have every right to be.

If i were you I would keep busy, get envolved in a hobby, or sign up for a sport. I also would not call her, because everytime you call her it brings up all the feeling of the past and what you miss. It is almost like you are tormenting yourself. Plus it might makes so she will call you, then you will know were you stand. If she does call you should be respectful.

It also would be better if she came back on her own, then she can never say that you made her come back. Take advantage of your time away, and really see if that is were your heart is. That doesn't mean you have to date other people just go out with friends, and have a good time.

3

Thank you so much for your advice.

I completely agree with you that if we were to get back together she would have to be the one to come back, not me asking her to come back. I would be making the same mistake again.

The fact that I'm really depressed is not helping my situation one bit, so this friday I'm going to group therapy... I have a tough road ahead of me but I have to start walking sometime soon!

4

I am currently going to therapy by myself and with my husband. At first I was so nervous, but now I look forward to it.

Remember if it ends up that she doesn't want to get back with you, there is always someone out there that wants your love and wants to give theirs back to you :)

5

are you guys healing from an infidelity?

that's true too. I need to prepare myself for the possibility that she might not want to get back with me.

6

Yes we are this is the second time, the last time was in 2005. Last time i hung all with all I had.

It is a little complicated, he had a horrible childhood, and my therypist told me that the affair has nothing to do with me, but she would stand behind me and what ever I decided.

I had a very ruff time this time, the hurt haunt me 24/7. My guess is because I was diagnosed with clinical depression in Jan 2010.

I understand everything you were talking about. My husband was also cold, mean, and distant. I finally decided I couldn't live like that, and told him to get out. For the first time in years, he was the one that came to me and said okay lets work on this.

I guess that is why I told you to stand up for yourself, because for years I pushed. This time it feels good to know he is here because he wants to be.

I knew that I would love him forever, but I couldn't leave not being loved in return.

Do not blame yourself for her affair, she had a choice. She could have came to you. But also it is okay to forgive her if she comes back. She will have earn you trust back, but in the end you relationship will likley be better than it was before. :)

7

It's nice to hear I'm not the only one going through this.

I mean, like, the fact that I'm the one who's basically trying to fix us back together when it should be the other way around.

I'm wondering though... have you asked him why he was cold, mean and distant with you? That's something that I can't seem to shake off. I wanna know why?! I treated her right and just wanted to make her happy and she just treated me bad.

I def. need to stand for myself... but sometimes its soo hard because I just need to hear her voice to feel better =\ I think we're kinda making progress because we talked wednesday and I apologized for things I did that I realized were wrong and stuff. She basically told me that she still loves me and it all seems to point to us getting back together. But I dont wanna get my hopes up. If we get back together she has to be the one to do the work and win my trust back for what she did. I think right now she's just not dealing with the whole affair thing. She just wants to pretend it didnt happen almost. The first weeks when she left I would call her to ask her why and throw things in her face about the affair and she wuld tell me that every time I brought it up it would make her sick to her stomach. I no longer need to do that. I think I'm over that part. I don't even wanna talk about the affair anymore. At this point I just want her to be the one to make the first moves about winning my trust back and coming back home. I miss her soooo much though and Its gonna be 2.5 painful months until she cames back from out of town. By the time she cames back it would be 4 months without seeing each other and never in the whole time we were together we're we ever apart. In 7 years we spent a total of 12 nights apart!

SO why was the first affair not as painful? and did he act cold, mean and stuff both times?

I also feel like I will love her for the rest of my life, no matter what.

It's hard not to blame myself for the affair. Sometimes I think that I could've prevented it if I wasnt soo depressed and sick. She has issues communicating though, she knows it, and she says she needs to work on that.

but you know, you are comletely right.... what doesnt break you makes you stronger. So, If we do get back together our relationshiop will be 100% better because of this.

you know whats weird? I feel like I'm falling in love all over again... like i get nervous when I call her, I smile like an idiot when i hear her voice, I just wanna be able to hold her... is that normal?

8

Eris - I am in your shoes. I've been dealing with this for 3 years now. I've been with my husband since I was 18. Married 25 years now. However, in 2008 he started treating me like your wife was treating you. We had a 2 1/2 year old, a newborn, and a 17 y/o together...still very much in love, so I thought. He became distant, slept all day, stayed up all night, isolated himself from all family & friends. Long story short is, he began having online affairs, then progressed to physical affairs. I am a very trusting person. I had him on a pedestal. I never thought in a million years thought this would happen to me. He had retired, stayed at home with our middle child, when I had our last child, he had to go back to work and I got to stay home. Evidently I ruined his perfect life. The children & house & school consumed my time and according to him I "did not make him feel like a man". He felt neglected (abandoned him) and that I did not desire him any longer because I did not pay the same attention to him I had in the past. So rather than talk to me about it, he turned to flirting with women at first. That stroked his ego. Which led to more. He was seeing a shrink for PTSD and they told him to choose between his online affairs or me. (I was unaware of the affairs). He came around for a few months but that didn't work too well for him. He has always been a selfish, self centered person. I had thought he would learn to be more of a father and free up his time to help with the family. I started coming downstairs in the middle of the night for various reasons and he would turn his computer screen off being very secretive. I got curious and started watching his activities. He was pretty chummy with a couple of women. Mind you I am not a very jealous person. I believe men can have female friends without sleeping with them (not this man). I went away for a weekend to my sisters for the first time ever in our relationship, and that was a breaking point for him. He told me the night I returned he wanted a divorce, because he was not happy. That night, I found a chat trail that he was in love with a married woman. I was devastated. I begged him to stay and to work things out. How could he after 23 years throw me out like the garbage? So he agreed. We went to marriage and family counseling for a year. We agreed to a clean slate. Unfortunately after 3 months his behaviors returned. He stated it was his PTSD and depression. We were in counseling for a year before I finally started putting peaces together. I had caught him at 4am video chatting with a woman from Michigan on our front porch..."just a friend". I told him it has to stop. (at this point has been working a. job where he travels for a living). He is supposed to be an example for our teen and this is not what a married man does. so he agrees. He just got more devious. Suffice it to say that eventually I was checking our daughters phone records because she had been grounded and i saw a pattern on his phone log (I had never thought to check it before) and he had been calling me at night when traveling and making calls to 2 other numbers consistently for 40+ minutes each routinely. So i grabbed his phone and checked the numbers and they matched the numbers to the women he had been video chatting with. I call them one answers and hangs up when she hears a womans voice. Hmmmm. So ya...he is busted. I wait until 2pm when he wakes up, I confront him...He is caught and he knows it. He suddenly wants to fix things and work things out.

I cannot believe that I have been going through counseling for a year and I learn that he has been carrying on affairs with 2 other women in 2 states (they don't know about each other either) and telling me I have nothing to worry about, he choses me and will never leave me. I told him I refuse to live this way and to leave. That I now want the divorce. He proceeds to attempt suicide.

Incredibly, I love this man so much, we are still together, but my love for him has been tainted. I don't trust him. I know he is a sick man. I don't care to raise 4 children. I do not believe I see a forever with him. I refuse to be his doormat. I refuse to take leftovers. He has been giving these women his best and leaving me with the crap to clean up afterwards. The emotional turmoil it has created within me and the once stable home leave my children an emotional wreck when we argue. We never know when he will snap because he is unhappy being here. Because I allowed him to come home after being in the mental ward, he feels I have never and will never forgiven him. I have lost respect for the man he use to be.

We had such potential for a beautiful life and with each passing week, I see that dream fading slowly because he does not want to help himself get better. He wallows in his depression and takes his anger and resentment out on everyone around him and me allowing him to be with us enables that behavior to continue. I had thought it allowed our family to thrive.

I know at this point I am blithering on. Just know you are not alone. You can be there for your spouse and think that you are harmoniously strolling down the same path in life and they take a detour without telling you. They have to decide to rejoin you. Nothing you do can make them. All you can do is love them. You can love being with them, or love being without them. But you will always, always love them.

9

Infidelity causes pain and hurt and also can bring you something you dont want. My BF was cheating on me with 2 other guys. We just were dating for a couple of months he was so into me at first then he started to ignore my calls and then He wanted me over he said he wanted to focus on school (which was a lie). He didnt want to see me anymore. Ok well after that I tried to all me to no avail. His friend a few weeks after . Told me the whole story how he used me to help him get out of his situation and he never was really into me nor wanted a relationship with me.
I found he cheated . and he dumped guy#2 and the other guy was his ex who was an abuser and yadda yadda yadda.
In short Not longer after that in Oct. I got sick and had a fever for 3 days and broke in hives everywhere. Got medicine and moved on. Then life events happeneds life went on.
March 17th of this I found out I was HIV +. I knew it was him and so my life now is what it is.
I know am at a point I can't trust another soul to fall for.
My life is on standby. Please protect yourself. Cheating leads to lot more than just regret and lonliness. It can lead to more.
Let Go and let God as the saying goes. Yes you had a great life together but that is just a chapter or novel in your life. It is time to open the first page of the new life chapter. Wrote great memories you will me another special person for you.
God Bless

10

Eris,

It is all very complicated. Funny you asked the question why is this times worse, because my therypist asked the same question today.

As I mentioned my husband was horribly neglected from infancy on. His mother was addict and her children never came first. The drugs and her boyfriends on her were first on her list. I am not sure if they were even number three. To make it as short as possible, my husband associated my depression with the neglect he faced as a child. Even though I didn't deserve the hatred, he did in fact hate me because he felt I left him. (my depression was very bad) It seems he has a lot to work on personly before we get back to normal.

He wasn't cold the first time. He cried, held my hand and said he was sorry. But, we have made progress the last couple days, but I know it is going a lot of work.

Also about why it is worse this time, because we went to counseling before, we had 5 of the best years ever. I think if fell deeply in love with him during this time. He was great during those five years, the best ever. So it really hurt when he cheated on my this time.

Funny what you said about falling in love again, I told my husband the same thing. I thought it was because I was coming out of the depression. I felt emotions I haven't felt in a long time.

I hope things keep moving in the right direction for you :)

Tina

11

AlllovenoH8,

Im sorry you're gonig through the samething as me. It sucks and I don't wish this on anyone. Cheating is horrible and before it happened to me I always thought cheating was, like whatever..... i thought as long as its physical im cool with it. boy was I kidding myself! Thank you very much for your wise words. I wish you the best of luck with your husband as well.. I hope things get better for you guys.

brochristopher,

I'm really sorry about what happened to you. My heart goes out to you. At first when I was still very much in pain about he whole thing, I was very bitter and I basically had the mentality that "you should NOT trust anyone!" I trusted her like no one else in this world. I just felt like I coudlnt trust anyone anymore. I can understand completely where you are coming from but... by closing your doors to the world you are only hurting yourself. Don't let one idiot make you a bitter person. He cheated, used you and infected you with HIV thats pretty messed up but, you can still take control back and decide that even though he did this to you, you will become a better person because of it. I still have a hard time trusting people, but I'm working to get myself to trust again, I decided I can't live mylife being paranoid of others.

I do agree that maybe in time I will find that maybe I just wanna move on and close this chapter of my life. and maybe i will and maybe I wont...... only time will tell. I can only wonder what life has in store for me.

tright1bby,

Wow...Im starting to believe the old saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I do not want to go through something like this EVER again.

Its always nice to hear the reasons why someone might harm another person but I guess in the long run it doesnt make much of a difference. You understand why he cheated but it doesnt really make it better. I feel the same way, I understand why she did it but it doesnt really take my pain away.

ok, good. I was starting to think I was going crazy or something for feelign like i was falling in love all over again. I guess its a normal part of the process. I guess I can only stay possitive and let the things that are gonna happen to just happen. let it be....

12

I am not sure he would have cheated again if I would not have been depressed. I don't think he would have cheated if I would have come out of it sooner. I guess you never know, what I do know now is everyone has a different reason, or trigger.

I hope you are doing better :) Find happiness where ever you can for now. Keep busy and spoil yourself :)