I need help

I dont know what to do. i found out my moms breast cancer has spread to the other breast today. I started my ED originally because of the stress and guilt that she got cancer. When she got into remission I got into recovery from anorexia . She got it back in march and i have started unhealthy habits even worse than before. They told her it was going to be gone in 1 more chemo session and i saw hope. yet today we got the news that it has spread without warning and i am miserable. I feel guit and I feel resposible. if i had only been a better daughter than maybe she wouldnt be in this position. My bulimia has gotten out of control and some days i can hardly eat. I have dropped 16 pounds in a month and a half and Im really scared. i dont want to go back to counseling because it doesnt help. Please help me i dont know what to do anymore. if something happens to her than i dont know what will happen to me. recovery seems so far away........

I am sending lots of hugs your way. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a parent with cancer, so I'm not going to try and do that whole "I understand thing."

All I can say is that at least for me, my eating disorder is not just a disorder, but how I deal with stressors. It seems like your mom's illness causes a lot of stress. You have to know that you did not cause your mom's cancer, and you cannot fix it. All you can do is be there for her and take care of yourself. This is not just some stuff I am spewing to try and make you feel better, it's true. When my mom was battling mental illness and alcoholism, I was miserable, because all I did was focus on her sickness. I did not take time to just take care of myself, and I really wish I had.

Why do you feel responsible for this?

Thank u so much for ur comment it's nice to know that someone has an idea about how I feel, it causes me so much stress an I feel like maybe if I had gotten it she would be ok.....we found out today that she mite also have a tumor in the brain as well an we mite have to move to Georgia for her treatment. Whenever I get stessed I take it out on myself. I just need a way to deal with this an talking to everyone on here makes me feel better:)

I'm sure the stress of you having an eating disorder is hard for her, but there isn't much you can do to fix that at this point, besides just focusing on your recovery. But just because she is sick, don't keep things from her, if you think you need more help, tell her that please! I have a friend whose mom has Lupus, and she doesn't want her mom to be more stressed out, so she doesn't tell her things that are going on, and trust me, that won't help!
This is going to sound corny and silly, but I like to make a list of relaxing things to do when I am stressed out, like reading, going for a walk in the woods, etc. And then when I feel like doing something I know won't be good for me, I make myself do something off that list first. At the very least, it gets my mind off things for a few minutes.

-Mallory