I have been reaching out for help with my personality issues for 40 years and I dont think I am any better off for it today than ever. I feel like there is no hope for me. I can't imagine ever resolving my issues. I can't imagine what that version of me could possibly look like. When I ask for help, it seems that therapists and others ask me to try out exercises like going out and talking to people. I have been doing these things for years, but my sense of belonging never comes. I end up making people uncomfortable with me no matter how many different ways I try to connect. I fear that there is nothing for me but loneliness and misery and I can't find hope.
Again this week, a therapist has refused to keep seeing me. What now? I need someone, something to make a difference for me.
You can only work through one thing at a time & figure out which behavior modification skill works best for you & practise it over & over til you feel better & then tackle the next obstacle (disorder). If your therapist isnt responding to you then you may have to find a new one that can lead you through & teach you coping skills, again, that work for you.
I would suggest to start w/the sexual abuse & talk about it then work through how it made you feel & what it created inside of you for as long as it takes to then be capable of learning a coping skill for that experience or figuring out that it has nothing to do w/you but rather it was the abusers issue being projected onto you. Again Charlie would be capable of giving you some useful information to try out and/or suggestions to work through till you feel more empowered about your abuse & know its wasnt your fault & what it created inside of you.........you've got to go back into past history to begin going forward, theres no magic bullet for these issues.
Its taken alot of us years to overcome & understand certain aspects of our abuse & abusers. I know you've been here a while so you can keep going & talking it through til you feel a bit better.
Big (((HUG)))
April
I agree with April. i very much understand what you are saying. I was raped when i was 7 and i am 63 and it still haunts me. I had a therapist who told me that they could not help me because i was just sad all of the time. In Christs Love
I have seen a dozen or more therapists. Nothing works.
Chris, I'm 55 & was molested from ages 2-12, I have a 63yrs old sister who was raped by my father when she was 8-9 & for 30yrs she was in & out of therapy & to this day she has never been capable of pulling through this awful experience that was out of her control & too she battles depression so is on some sort of medication that doesnt seem to assist much.
I'm not saying this is your path but rather she was never capable of pulling something positive out of that bad past history & learn from it & pass it on to others or be a vessel to spread the word by helping others not feel alone, judged, afraid, abandoned. So these are things you can do to try & help that little boy inside of you, protect that little boy, teach him that this will never happen again & when your somewhat comfortable w/that move on to the next issue. ADHA can be a genetic link, it can also be caused by certain exposures to metals & other compounds. The other disorders can be assisted by behavior modification skills learned over a time frame to help yourself know when your creating an issue out of nothing or when there really is something that is an issue to be taken care of.
But i am INCAPABLE of learning these "behavior modifications"
i feel the same way just an odd ball that no one ever likes and never fits in. i am a loner in this world. i tried the borderline thearpy and i cant stand being in a group totally wigged me out. so i quit!
Sounds like you need a different therapist and maybe a different type of therapist. Have you taken DBT classes?
Chris W, Do you have any face-to-face support groups in your area? I had been in therapy off and on for 25 years and given up on therapy 10 years ago. Emotions Anonymous provided me with a sense of belonging that I didn't even know I neededr.
In my opinion EA is no panacea, though all the 12-step programs seem to promise that. And it seems to me that our kinds of problems are more complicated than substance abuse. But as of right now there is no better face-to-face group in my area.
I went back to therapy. Still had to go to several different ones. Finally got extremely serious and found the best expert in my city and went for a consultation. Her client list was full and she couldn't take me on but she did refer me to an extremely well-trained therapist who seems to be helping.
First, though, I had to get a sense of acceptance and belonging from a larger group, people with similar sorts of issues and life challenges.
Good luck, hang in there. One of the reasons that I just joined this group is that I think personality disorders CAN be helped. It's just that the therapy people don't know very well yet how to do it. But if we hang in and get better, even through the times when it seems impossible, then it helps to show it CAN be done.
Chris W, please don't lose hope! You CAN pull through this time, this struggle, and overcome your obstacle. I know how frustrating therapy because I have gone through it too. Not for BPD, but from being the child of severely dysfunctional divorced parents who absolutely hate one another and weren't afraid to show it. My mother has BPD and it's a tough thing to deal with. She is 45 and is right where you are: she feels hopeless and doesn't understand how these seemingly silly things that therapists have her do are going to help. So she stopped going altogether and now we have a terrible relationship. We used to be like twins, inseparable. Then I left for college and that triggered her symptoms and things went down hill in a disturbingly quick fashion. I no longer trust her and she, because of her illness, no longer recognizes reality. She's not completely gone or inept, it's just she as these thoughts in her head of how she thinks I'm thinking and she thinks I don't love her or want to be with her. None of which are true. My point is, Chris, I don't want this to happen to you. I don't know if you have kids or are married. I do know, however, that if you don't keep searching for a way to heal, I'm afraid you'll feel the way my mom does: unloved. Perhaps you should try a more holistic therapist, someone who heals the mind, body and soul. I am an advocate for holistic medicine and will be attending sessions with a holistic clinical psychologist in the near future to help me deal with the pain of my past. I want more that anything for you to not give up hope and to keep searching. It's not lost cause and there are people out there who can help you identify your pain so you can begin, or continue, to heal. I wish you all the best <3
dear Chris, you have not mentioned how your relationship with God is. in my opinion until i got my spiritual house in order i remained unmoveable. i had to turn my will an my life over to the care of my God as i understood Him and i urge you to find Him now. increase your prayer life and your conscious contact with God and this will help and give you amazing progress unlike any therapist. do not give up. keep trying. make a list of all your positive atributes and a list of all the things you are grateful for and you will see you have made more progress than you think!
all my best, with faith in your recovery, and hope in your future, a prayer warrior praying for you.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I wish I could say that they helped. The therapist I was seeing -- a specialist in DBT -- has refused to see me any more. My previous therapist says there is no point in me seeing her because I don't believe anything she offers will work. Well, I don't believe it, so what am I supposed to do?
Every therapist I have talked to seems to me to have a starting point in mind for where their work with me should begin. The problem is that I have not reached that starting point, and I don't see any way for me to get there. Again last night, I heard a therapist on TV say that all problems a person has have their answers within that person. This is the primary logic of all therapy. But because I have tried everything I could try for so many years, I cannot now believe that I have answers within me. When I have failed and failed and failed to make connections with people or to find personal healing after so much effort, I'd have to be insane to think I would find it now if I just tried one more time.
So now, I am beyond even that awful place where I can see no good ending. I am stranded in an even more painful place where I see no good beginning.
Honey you have to continue to be proactive & I dont sense you realize that YOU have met people, RIGHT here & you havent given yourself enough credit for all that you have continued to try to find a solution to your pain.
I wish I was w/you to hold your hand & ease your pain somewhat, I can only offer you ME, a friend to talk to that wants to help ease some of your pain & offer a shoulder to lean hard on.
WHAT expectation do you have that you'd like to accomplish????? What are the words you want to hear?????? I sense your expectations have been violated & dismissed in the past & no one here is doing that.
There arent enough reasons that I can list for you to accept & feel comfort here w/us, even if through the computer (Cyber space).
Chris, you wrote:
"So now, I am beyond even that awful place where I can see no good ending. I am stranded in an even more painful place where I see no good beginning."
I think I know that place, or at least my own version of it.
Having had my own disappointing journey, I think that therapy is about where medicine was when they used leeches on people. Or perhaps even worse, before they knew about germs, doctors used to go from woman to woman in hospital delivery rooms, spreading disease so that many women died.
Like April said, we are here, even if it is Cyber space. I probably do not fit the criteria for obsessive compulsive personality disorder any more, but I did 10 or 12 years ago. And I can still be obsessive. So I have done lots of research.
IMHO, most therapists don't knew squat about personality disorders, and certainly not what it's like to have one.
But I'm convinced that if enough of us can get well, then we have a chance to communicate with the mental health community and help make changes. But first -- well if I can help pull you up by a bootstrap, then maybe you can help pull me up. The different personality disorders do have different strengths and maybe we can help each other in our struggles, so that where I am blind or weak you or April may be strong or able to see.
Would you like to write some more about what you struggle with? And even if you don't feel you belong here at the moment, maybe it will come with time?
Millie EXCELLANT
Chris W,
I do not think you are incapable of behavior modification. You may be incapable of accepting the responses you are getting back from others or incapable of changing the perspective filter in which you see the world thru, therefore tarnishing any and all responses from others. You see?
If you've been in therapy before, chances are you understand this on an intellectual level, but perhaps not have translated it into your being.
You are always evolving, Chris. Do not fear this fact. What else is failure, except for proof that you are trying new things! I say keep it up! You sound soooo dedicated to your own Self knowing! This amazes me!
Perhaps you could create an actual vision of what a new version of yourself would look like . . . use collage, painting, other images & seriously create something that you can see & share!
and if you do, please share!
take good care please!
Caryn
Oh Chris, how I relate to your experience! I, too, have been desperately seeking help all my adult life. Yet here I am only just now seeing that probably my biggest issue all along has been a personality disorder and after being in therapy for almost 30 years! Something my T said today right before I left I think holds true for you too and that was that she was amazed that even though I still struggle with many of the same stuff I am still sticking with it. I told her that it (therapy) has been the one constant in my life and it has helped to keep me alive. Sometimes just the realization that I am still alive after feeling and experiencing all the pain I have gives me hope. If I am still here and even though I'm still struggling maybe if I just keep on a little longer it, something will finally come through and be the thing I need. And maybe even though I don't always see it I've changed more than I realize. I don't know but I think you should keep trying to find a therapist who's experienced enough or better equipped to handle and help a person with BPD.
Pay attention to what Caryn has to say too. She sounds like she might not be such a bad therapist :) I know there are good ones out there. Plus you should stay in touch with us. We are here for you. I believe you will be okay even if you don't!
My relationship with God is important to me. I just don't at the moment see how He and I are communicating these days. I'm waiting. Praying.
Just an update -- I "fired" my therapist. LOL. After a few e-mails back and forth, I just decided the distance between us is too great for me to be trying to bridge it while I deal with important therapy issues.
Frankly, I am scared. I have no plan for therapy now, and I need it. I have no sense of self confidence, and I need a job. Hanging in there, but it isn't easy.
What do I want to hear? I don't know, I just need something that is hope I can hang onto. And I don't see it. Not yet.
Chris, my faith in God is important to me too. It makes it really difficult when I can't or don't feel Him. I usually tell myself He doesn't really care, I've messed up too badly for too long, I'm just a waste of time, and so on. I'm worn out right now just thinking about the ways I tell myself that I'm so defective that not even the Creator of the universe cares anything about me! Why would He make someone so defective and why would He not care about one of His children? These are some of the things my therapist asks me. I am so stubborn that I really think that I can fix me (along w/my T). Thinking about this now I realize that I feel, think, and function much better when I pray and actively trust God to be with me during the day. (I also find that morning meditation w/ a good devotional book helps a lot!) So, now I have no excuse not to do this very thing that I'm suggesting to you. Thank you. I need to hear this :) If no one has told you they love you today, I do!