Hello there~
Just a little history of me I am 26 I am married and have two beautiful children nothing thrills me more than being a mom but about a year ago this month, we took our friend who was staying with us at the time to see his family, his wife is my best friend and our kids are best friends so we took a trip to see her and their kiddos, well when we got there we started drinking and mind you I don't drink very often at all. So we started to drink and I drank so much that I was pretty much sick and my husband drank but not as much as me, then my friend decided it was time to go to bed so she made us a place to sleep on the floor my son slept in the other room with his buddy and my husband, my daughter, and myself slept on the living room floor well I laid down and wound up passing out pretty quickly from all the drinking, my husband has insomnia so he was up most of the night but the problem I have or have been having is that our daughter was right in between us and what makes me scared and worried is that what if I hurt her and didn't know it because I was so drunk or what if I mistaked her for my husband and touched her wrong or something.... My husband said that he was awake most if not all the night and nothing like that ever happened, but what if something like that happened? I don't think I could live with that:( It hurts me so bad because I pride myself on being an excellent mom, and I have asked my daughter lots of times if anyone has ever hurt her, if I have hurt her, she says "No Mama" and most of the time it is followed with "You are the bestest Mommy ever" and then I am okay for awhile but with in the last year my worry has turned into an obsession and fear like no other, now my fear is that I will sleep walk and either abuse them or sexually abuse them, so it leaves that question every morning when I wake up did I hurt them or not? It is the worst feeling in the world My son is 10 and my daughter is 6 soon to be 7 and I couldn't imagine my life without them and I know it my heart that I would never hurt them but theres that doubt that comes in and makes me feel bad and heres the thing..... Every since then there is these images that pop in my head about them being hurt or abused in some way and the thing is I have never had anything like this before in my life and I have never felt this way ever, and I thought if I talked about it it would help take the power out of it, so I sat my husband down and talked to him about the kids and that night and then I proceeded to spill my guts over the course of a week about everything else that had happened, after all that happened I had a breakdown last February I went to the doctor and she put me on Celexa 20mg it was terrible the side effects were so terrible I didn't even want to leave my house and then I noticed the pills started changing me like all the sudden I would be really spontaneous and have a peak of really really happy and then I would crash it was so weird, I have never experienced anti-depressants before and I have a fear of taking pills now because of it, they even made me think of suicide which was way off the map for me. So... the other part of my story is after my breakdown I started to hang out with my best friend more and more because she moved back to town and just to let you guys know no-one knew anything about the reason I was on those pills, they just thought I had a breakdown and that was that, so my best friend wound up having these two guys moving in with her they were pretty young about 21 or so and I would go over there because it made me feel better to be around them it took my mind off everything so I would go over there and be there for a few hours and then leave and go home. Well, then I started kinda thinking that one of the guys that we living there was cute, he was a musician and I thought hey hes just cute well then I found myself over there more and more...and mind you my husband was at work most days I would go over there and then my best friend and I would hang out and I would see him and get to say hi, for some reason it made me feel better that if I got attention from him that would mean I wasn't such a monster, I felt like if I talked to my husband anymore than I already had that he would leave me for being crazy and take the kids away from me, I couldn't bare that thought so I started to go another way and May of this year I told my best friend that I sorta had feelings for him and I wanted to see if those feelings were real I wanted him to kiss me well she told him that and he did we never did anything beyond kissing (Thank GOD) but I was gonna leave my husband and all this stuff just because of the original root problem I guess in my mind I figured if I left him before he left me that maybe he wouldn't ever have to know about how I felt like a monster, well four months after it happened I couldn't take it anymore and I spilled my guts, he was so hurt and I just thought to myself I must be really screwed up to do this all because I was afraid of what he may of done, we are still together and he knows now about my fears and I came clean with him about alot of other things as well
because I didn't want our marriage to have anymore lies just truth and honesty so now I have guilt from that, guilt from the kids, and guilt from myself and I think because of all of this I caused myself to have anxiety, and possibly OCD I have the obsessive thoughts and I feel like a can't lie to anyone it is terrible.
I am sorry that this is so long I just needed to get it out, any of you that have dealt with things like this please give me advice on what I should do or what works well for you thank you so much for listening:)
I think that you have taken the first step in acknowledging that you have a problem. That's the hard bit. Now I think that you should go to the doctor and ask for some councelling and therapy to change your thought patterns. It sounds to me like you need some Cognative Behavioural Therapy for you to understand where these issues have come from and how to deal with the negative thoughts. There is also something called Mindfulness which teaches you to think more in the moment and not worry about what ifs. If you dont want to see someone then look for online articles on it.
I feel that you need to calm down and take a step back so that you do not unwittingly pass your anxiety on to your children. If you won't do it for youself you have to do it from them. This comes from someone who's mother didn't know how to handle her emotions and anxiety and it really is learned behaviour which becomes hard to crack.
You are strong, you have got this far in life, now is the time to really think of those children and their happy future and get some help so you can help them.
Be strong for them and ask for help.
xx
I don't think you should to tell your husband about your extreme thoughts in the future.Think about the way they make you feel.There is no way an average person could understand.No matter how badly they may want to.
I have never told my wife or anyone else my thoughts.(except annomously).That is a good reason for this site.You can speak of these things and not be judged.Remember having thoughts does not make you a bad person.They are just MIND GAMES.Don't dwell on them,or indulge them...Blow them off.
Sharral, glad you let your thoughts out here as thats very wise & I admire you for sharing your story as that says alot about you. Your being way to hard on yourself & over thinking things way to much as you described so at least your aware of that too. Counseling/therapy if affordable would be a step in the right direction as the others advised & would also be someone nonjudgemental to talk things through with. Is wonderful your relationship remains intact as that too will be a source of comfort/security while you focus on you to seek some relief from your thoughts.
Take care of you.
April
Thank you guys for those words they really mean alot I guess I fell that if I got it out it owuld be a step in the right direction, April thank you so much and Scarie thank you too and James thank you too, for some reason when I am on here I feel better, I think I do need to talk to someone, and then hopefully work on taking my life back
Absolutely! Sieze the feeling and go with it! I'm glad you feel better - any time you need to vent go on right ahead!
x
I have experienced anxiety from "what ifs" although not nearly at the same severity as you...,and they drove me crazy so I can't even imagine what you are going through! Mine were semi-controllable...but they do impact my life.
I thought my boyfriend was leaving me this morning..,.and it was all in my head. I even found a place to move to that was 5 states away.
I definitely would suggest therapy.
You are so strong...and sound like a wonderful mother with a courageous heart! You'll be in my prayers!