I can't keep this in any longer. I keep thinking about these things and beating myself up about it. I always try to tell my therapist but we some how get onto another topic or i just don't know how to bring in up or start the converstation. I think another reason why i have a hard time bringing it up is because i am imbarrest about it and ashamed that it happenend. There are a couple of thing that i am going to list or talk about.
1. When i was in elementry school (i can't' remember what age) I came home from school and stayed myself entell one of my parents came home between 3-5. My mom normally came home around five and my dad times varried depending what shift he was on and if he was drinking. Anyways, one day I came home called my grandma like i always did and then i was sitting around. Well, then the phone rang and I anserwed. It was some guy and he started asking my questions about what i was wearing, type of underwhere, and some other stuff. After that happened and when a parent got home i told them and they called the police. Which after that they investedated and later found the man.
2. When I was in high school, i believe i was a freshmen and I was pressuered into having sex and ended up getting pregnant. I didn't take a test but i researched the sing or systums and i had them all. I also missed my period for like three months. This was during basketball season and I practiced the hole time. I think it was before a game i started getting bad cramping in my belly and then there was something gross. With how it looked i researched miscarage and that is what i had.
3.I want to say it was a month later this senior pushed me into closed door to a class room and started feeling me up and forcing himself onto me. I told someone about this and it was taken care of. I told my basketball coach, his face out very red and it was hard for me to look at him after i told him. I felt like he was judging me.
That wasn't the only time a guy has forced himself on top of me.
$. After all that happened, i dated some other guys and they alwasy pushed me to have sex with them and most of the time i did. That is all i felt like i was worth. I had no other meaning but to just give people oral sex and sex. I also get very depressed from alll that. I dont think i ever dated a guy with having some sort of sex with him. I think i have gotten past that but i am not for sure. I sometimes feel like people would consider that being "slutty".
I feel a big wieght has lifted off my shoulder by typed this all out. There may be a total of like one person that know about some of this stuff. I dont know why i feel more comfortable posting this for stranger to read. Maybe it's because i dont know anyone and that i dont feel like I am being judged.
Well i have to get going to class. Thank you!