I am 8 months pregnant with our 3rd baby and I found out two months ago that my husband has been having numerous sexual affairs over the last 5 years. He met someone 3 months ago (during this pregnancy) who he feels he is in love with and wants to leave me for her. Actually, he is "deciding" right now what he wants to do - leave, or stay and work things out. He's tried 3 times to have "no contact" with this other woman, and it seems he finally has committed to that. Although, I'm just not exactly sure I can trust anything he says. I made him leave the house 2 months ago, and I have contacted a lawyer.
He now says he wants to see how things change when this baby is born - he thinks maybe it will draw us closer together. He says he will not leave until a while after the baby is born. At several times I have been convinced I will leave him and there would be no way to work this out. However, now I am in limbo waiting for his decision. He has been coming over more lately - mainly to see our other two daughters. He says he loves me, but I have been too controlling over the years and that is what made him seek extramarital intimacy. He says he thinks I cannot change. I feel manipulated and confused.
In my opinion it think that this man is no good for you, he has hurt you too many times and personally I don't think he deserves another chance.
Don't blame it on yourself, thats not excuse for having an affair, if he loved you enough and cared about your relationship enough he would have chosen the right path to talk to your about the way he thinks your controlling, but no he didn't he went behind your back and hurt you in one of the worst ways possible.
I can't tell you what to do kbrom but I can tell you that at the end of the day Its your choice. You have to ask yourself questions like " Do I still love him?" or "Could I ever trust him again?" or "Will he do it to me again?"
To be perfectly honest , I wouldn't want him to stay with me and whenever hes ready he leave. I would feel used.
But I hope you can get through this and make the right decision for you. :)
Good Luck and stay strong, I'm always here to talk if you need it :)
Kbrom, is wise that you contacted an attorney for advice, what this man is doing is very destructive for you & your children, his indecisiveness has no place in any relationship, backNforth w/him will not amend anything it will only continue to be a very large QUESTION MARK in everyones life surrounding this toxic situation. Please heed the RED FLAGS marking the whole way & set a plan in motion for yourself & family QUIETLY for the sake of your future. My heart goes out to you & there are reasons hes capable of treating all of you this way, trust me you dont want this behavior around your children for children learn what they live in.
Kbrom, my heart goes out to you and your children. I agree with April's post.
You posted "He says he will not leave until a while after the baby is born." If that isn't a RED FLAG, I don't know what is. Why do we women always wait for the men to decide what they want? Their actions already show what they want or they wouldn't be having affairs and pointing the blame at their spouse or girlfriends. Ultimately any decision you make should not be made lightly as you have three children that you need to be an advocate for. Safe to assume that they are all way too young to understand or express how they feel about the situation. If you decide to let him stay - lay down the ground rules and seek counseling for all parties involved. If you decide to not let him come back - surround your self with friends and family for love and support, hold your head high, stand strong and know that you did nothing wrong. You made the decision that you felt was best for you and your children.
I think the biggest thing that sticks out in your story is that he has tried to displace the blame on you. Anyone who wants to truly change needs to first admit the problem only lies within themselves. It sounds to me like your husband needs counseling and several lifestyle changes that he isn't seeking out at this time. Be strong, stick to your decisions and don't let him sway you for the sake of the children. What is best for them is what is best for you. It breaks my heart that you have to go through all of this - know we're all here for you whatever you decide.
Hello. I am sorry you are going through this, especially while you are pregnant.... the last thing a pregnant lady needs is more stress. You did the right thing for the sake of you and your children, and from what you wrote, this guy doesn't seem to be good for you. It seems he is taking advantage of you, and making you doubt yourself. If you both really want things to work, you should start with some professional counseling. I have been in a very very similar situation, and I trusted my partner much more than I should have, because I wanted to believe the best of her. All the belief in the world won't change a person who doesn't want to change. Golden vibes to ya, and stay in touch. I hope everything works out.
Thank you for all of your wonderful words of wisdom and kind guidance. It helps to hear what this looks like from the outside. Lately my husband has been telling me he loves me and misses me, but it is getting closer to the baby's birth now. He says he misses this family and is afraid of losing it. He has also started reading a lot of Christian books lately and is analyzing himself. Interestingly enough, he is a psychiatrist. He has apologized for all the pain he has caused, but indirectly through emails and texts, and very briefly when we talk. He says he has a hard time wanting to understand what I'm feeling - there's a block. He thinks it's because he doesn't want to come to terms with the pain of guilt and shame. He really seems to want to work things out when we talk now, and he is trying to makes plans for us for the future. But I feel he is assuming I am just waiting here ready for him to come back at any time, which is partly true. He keeps saying he'll never come back unless I open up to him and stop treating him coldly. So do I tell him I love him too and want to try and work things out or do I wait until his head is on straighter and risk losing him. I know I need to be able to trust him again and I just don't yet. But at this point I feel if I push him too hard he will just go further away.
no offence to you or this situation, but my opinion is your husband is a boy, not a man. there is a big difference between having the courage to deal with personal problems when they immediately arise, or try and conceal the way you feel. i understand that there are children involved, however, he is truthful to you now, but not when it mattered! he has left you with no dignity and pregnant at the same time! in my opinion and heard from a really intelligent woman "nature has it's way of working things out". concentrate on your children, be free of his needs and live for yourself and your kids. by no means am I saying you are week...quite the contrary... it's harder to forgive than blame, but I feel your a woman with four children, not three and a husband. As an educated psychiatrist, and adolescent male, he has no jurisdiction to guide children in the ways of culture nor life.and I say this as what I hope is a man...
After doing much research and speaking with many, many men on numerous websites the number one reason men cheat and continue to cheat is because women let them. When they cheat on you and you continue to have sex with them, feed them, be their housekeeper, nursemaid, babysitter, secretary etc....why should they stop cheating. They will always cheat when there are no consequences. Personally me, I do hate the men who cheat, but I get very angry at the women also. They are the reason why we don't have or find it hard to find any respectful, decent men. No women should ever take a cheating parasite, maggot back unless he agrees to go into counselling and they should do that only once. After that kick his *** to the gutter where he belongs.
I'm so, so sorry to hear what you are going through!! But I just wanted to suggest that right now it's him who should be in limbo waiting for your decision! He messed up but he's acting like you did when you did nothing wrong! You are a strong woman! A strong mother! And he sounds like he is just a boy playing house! I hope that whatever you do decide you are happy and he mans up! Unfortunately from my experience and what I've seen, no baby will change anything. Only he can change his behavior by his actions and choices. Sending you so much support and hugs!
I am a husband that would NEVER do those things to my wife. He has not given your marriage, your children, and you the respect it takes to maintain a successful marriage. I am very sorry about the way he treated you; it sounds like he doesn't deserve you.
Things are actually better now. My husband invited me on a trip for his work about a month before our baby was born and it went very well. Things were slightly awkward on the trip, but we had some nice times together reconnecting. Then he moved back home right when we got back. A few weeks after that, our baby was born. He has been increasingly loving, supportive, and complimentary every day. He has also been a much better father to our older two girls. Every day he says he loves me and thanks God for me, will always want me and this family. When he first moved back home he said he was proud of me for sticking through this and couldn't believe how strong I was. He has shown remorse and says, "I will be sorry the rest of my life for what I've done to you and for making you doubt me."
I seriously have been taking one day at a time. The key has been open communication between us and me asking him clarifying questions about everything he did in a non judgemental way. This has allowed him to open up with a feeling of safety and without feeling attacked. This has also allowed me to get all of my questions answered about the details of his affairs. He has answered all of my questions even though I see such shame and guilt in his eyes. He says the way he is dealing with this is by putting this all in the past and moving on from here with me. He says when I ask questions he is drudging up stuff he has forgotten and that is unimportant to him now. But he does recognize that I still have questions and this is all still new to me. He is at least willing to talk openly and answer all of my questions.
We have actually just been on another week-long trip together where we took our new baby with us. The older two girls stayed with grandma and grandpa. Every day we seem to connect a little bit more, but we do have our setbacks - mostly with me feeling hurt and untrusting. Some days I just want to cry all day and other days are great. There have been a few moments where he and I both recognize that he still thinks about the most recent affair woman, but the important thing he says is that he "chooses me and always will." We've both had our fears of each other's intentions... me fearing he is just using me and him feeling I am just using him until the baby is older. When we talk about this it brings us closer. I still have my moments of wanting to leave because some days the pain of memories and what he's done hits me so heavily.
At this point I truly feel we are going to make it though. Our marriage is surprisingly much better now than it ever was at any point in it's last 11 years. The key has really been open and honest communication and not letting any angry thoughts go without talking about them in an open and calm way. This is something we never did in the past. I know I have a long road to healing and I'm still taking one day at a time, but see that we both really love each other. I asked my husband why he didn't just leave before and he said, "Because I would have missed you and wanted you forever." It's going to take him many years to prove to me I can trust him again, but I truly think we are on the right path now. God has really helped me be patient, open minded and strong in all of this. Could not have done it without Him.
Thank you for all of your kind thoughts and words. I would still greatly appreciate any more of your thoughts and advice.
That sounds really amazing, having been cheated on myself, I almost can't believe he is making such a turn around. At first I thought maybe you needed to handle him differently...on a shorter leash- reign him in and show him you wouldn't take his crap but maybe you are actually demonstrating such a huge amount of strength and love and forgiveness needed to get your marriage and family back on track. I hope more than anything that he will continue to show and prove his devotion to you. Your story really touches me. I hope this will work out for you (and it sounds like you are making a great start and effort and doing this). Your update just gave me so much hope for you and for people in mine and our position, I wish I would have handled my long-term boyfriends affair much better, maybe more like you, and I'm sorry if my comment isn't coming out right so I'll stop now.
You have been give AWESOME advice in the postings above. As Dr. Aaron Beck says "a distant observer" will have a much more rational view of the situation.
He is TOXIC--do not let him poison the rest of your life--honest nurturing men are out there but do expect to trust any for quite a long time.