I never want to return to school again. I want to just disap

I never want to return to school again. I want to just disappear and never have to face things I don't want to. There is a reason, and here I go. I was playing frisbee with my friends, and someone, let's call them Aaren, accidentally got hit with it. I don't even know this person. I told them it was me, and they punched me. I fell, and was bleeding from my nose. My eye swelled up. My friends surrounded me, and I heard Aaren laugh at me. Eventually I was taken to the office, and given an ice pack. I later found out that Aaren thought that I was laughing at them, but I wasn't. I was laughing (before I even reached Aaren mind you) at my friend about to through the frisbee back because we both know that I suck at catching it. I was told by the Vice Principal that Aaren is sorry. I don't believe it much, but I couldn't say that.

I'm still scared. I'm scared of Aaren, their friends, and the talk we will have on Monday. I'm scared of the whispers that may surround me, over-exaggerated versions of what happened, and the ridicule that might be directed at me. I'm scared of the concern, and questions my friends (who weren't there) will have. I just want everything to be normal. I'm scared of everything.

That's why I don't want to return. I don't know why this affected me as badly as it did. Maybe it's the shock, because I never thought something like this would happen. I've never been hit with animosity from a stranger before. I'm so paranoid and anxious about what will happen at school.

Since I know that this won't disappear, and I have a slight vengeful spirit. I want everyone to hate Aaren. I'm well known as the nicest person ever at school, so I want that to take it's place. Am I a terrible person for that? I just don't want to be laughed at. I have never welcomed attention, and I had my first panic attack yesterday night after it happened. Now some things just trigger it. Is this just the shock or is there something genuinely wrong with me.

Now, I do not hate Aaren. I don't feel the need to hit them back, that's the odd thing. Why don't I? If I want everyone else to hate them, why should I not feel the same? I'm just so confused right now.

When I think about it now, it seems like it didn't happen. It just seems like some distant dream. If everyone at school forgot about it, I might be able to convince myself that it was just a nightmare. But people aren't like that, they want the excitement to last forever. I just feel so down right now, and I don't know how to overcome it. I think that is all for now. I need more time to think.

1 Heart

I'm sorry this happened to you....some people are quick to respond with emotions instead of thinking and talking.
You say that you're talking about this on Monday.....that's good....but are you talking with someone in the office and Aaren (or just you and someone from the office)? I think you should talk about this with one of the office people like the V.P or your counselor?

@TennisPlayer Thank you. Yes, we’re going to be talking with the Vice Principal overseeing it. I’m just not ready to, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be. I’m just frightened about…I don’t even know. I just want to stay in my room forever.

Freshman - 9th grade. I don't think I'm allowed to bring a friend there because the conversation is supposed to get settled between just us. Plus, I wouldn't want my friend to glare at Aaren the entire time.

I'm going outside of my house for the first time since this happened which wasn't that long ago. I'm so nervous. I don't want to go. Any tips?

@Noel-MariaMonette Wecome to SG! You will meet many wonderful people here, fondly called SG friends. The bottom of the page is a FAQ, it will assist you in navigating the site. The top right- hand corner of this page are numerous groups, also there is a Support Someone icon, familarized yourself with them. You may join as many groups as necessary. There is an Anxiety group. Be strong the best is yet, to follow… SG friends are here, to support, and be supported,

I'm not sure if there is a posting limit, but I have an update...So, I avoided going to school today. But I have to return on Monday. These three days will be spent revising myself. Of course there will be mess ups in the process, but all I can do is my best. What do you guys suggest doing?

@Noel-MariaMonette take a deep breath and go. If you feel overwhelmed at school, try excusing yourself to go to the bathroom. While there, touch something to help ground yourself and do some breathing exercises.

Remind yourself that Aaron apologized. He might be genuinely sorry. If you feel uncomfortable telling your friends what happened, tell them you don’t feel good about talking about it right now. Just take small steps

@TennisPlayer Oh no, I didn’t skip school without telling them! I asked for permission if I could stay home with the agreement that I would have to go on Monday no matter what. I told them I wasn’t ready yet, and they let me.

@brieses I’ll be sure to do that when I return. I’m home for today though, and I’m going back on Monday. Aaren is also going to be apologizing on Monday. I’m hoping that it goes well because I want this to be over and done with. Thank for the advice.

Sorry I didn't update on Monday, I actually wanted to. So, I ended up not talking to Aaren because I don't think they were there. But I rather not talk to them because from what I know, they're not sorry. Or maybe they are, but not by much. I didn't get the apology, but I really don't want it. I rather just stay away from Aaren altogether, and forget about this. I also want to give time for people to forget (which they pretty much have but just to be sure).

I'm still scared of Aaren seeing as I still have P.E with them, but they aren't in my class thankfully. I try to avoid them anyway I can because I know that they notice me when I walk by, but I dictate my eye-sight away from their area. Also, I pretend not to notice, but my friends also try to make me avoid Aaren if I'm coming near them. Like, but playfully pushing me forwards more quickly or holding my attention with something that was definitely made up right then and there. I appreciate them.

A reason I didn't update was because I'm also trying to hide this from everyone. I don't want them to know or more worries and questions will appear. That'll be a bother. I just want time to pass, and everything will be alright hopefully. I think that's all that happened. I'll be sure to post again if I feel any panic.

Thank you.

Hello, I'm back again. So, I'm on my Christmas break, and I still have a few days before I go back to school, but I'm still afraid of Aaren. I still feel anxiety about them, and I have no idea why. I'm certain that they will refrain from hitting me again, but I can't help but feeling scared. My heart beats fast, and I feel like I cannot breath. I was hyperventilating I believe, but I can hide it well enough. I don't want to return to school. It's not even about the rumors, or other people because it's passed. It's about Aaren themselves.

Sometimes I wish that Aaren could just disappear altogether. Does that make me a bad person? I don't care how they disappear, I just want them to so I can stop feeling this way. The only reason I don't suggest myself disappearing is because I care for my friends and family.I wouldn't want them to be sad. Plus, I'm too frightened of pain to commit suicide, and I have no sleeping pills so that's out of the question.

I see Aaren around sometimes. I don't like how they notice me. Some of friends still don't know what happened (not that I'll ever tell them), so they don't know why I tense, or ramble on for a while. I just try to avoid any contact with Aaren.

I'm aware that this fear may not leave for a while, so is there anyway I can cope with it? I don't really want to talk to anyone about it because I have them all convinced that I'm okay now. I don't want that image to shatter. Suggestions please?

@TennisPlayer Thank you for pointing that out. I didn’t even think about that. I might write it out now.