I only recently realized i had a problem with my eating (abo

i only recently realized i had a problem with my eating (about a year or so ago) even though its been going on for a very, very long time. im getting better, but lately ive been having an issue with relapse. the big problem is that i know im clinically obese. i don't look like the "typical" anorexia sufferer. and i want to lose weight, but i want to be rational and healthy about it. my boyfriend wants to help me, because he's a semi-pro cyclist, and knows that eating healthy and excersizing will help with my depression. every time i try to do this, though, i end up spiraling into unhealthy patterns again. i cant figure out a way to be proud of myself without punishing myself at the same time.

do you know you are clinically obese because you have been diagnosed as such? and do you have any idea why you spiral so?

@norseduncan yes i have been told by doctors, but my doctor has told me its not at a point where it is critically harmful to my health. the ED is more harmful to my health than my current weight. i usually end up spiraling because of a mix of stress and pressure from being in a relationship. ive had boyfriends tell me that im “hard to look at” etc etc and even though my current boyfriend has never said anything like that and is a wonderful and supportive person, no matter what i do i cant help but compare myself to other girls he knows. its not even so much that i think he’s going to find somebody else - i just wish i looked better to make him happy. i know thats not rational, bc obviously i make him happy or he wouldn’t still be with me, but its still just this sneaking thought i have.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your struggles! You don't have to "look" a certain way to have an eating disorder, even anorexia. I was bulimic for many years, but yet maintained normal weight. It's your thought processes and actions that determine if you have an eating disorder. Most of the time our thinking has become disordered and unhealthy and those thoughts effect our actions. Hence why we starve ourselves or binge and purge. Most of the time we do these things because our inner world is in chaos, or there is something we don't want to face and it is driving the unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. Essentially, it is a form of mental illness. It's not something you can just "get over" on your own because you need to figure out what is driving the behavior and it needs to be faced and new ways of coping need to be learned. I commend you for wanting to try to get healthy. Making healthy food choices and exercise is a great thing and can definitely help with our mood and overall health. However, you have to get your mental and emotional self healthy as well. Once we can do that, the physical part will fall in to place and it will be easier. If you aren't already, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist. That was the most important thing I could have done for myself to help me get healthy! Wishing you the best!

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