I posted this in another group, but thought I would share it here as well.
I am posting a "trigger warning" as I don't want to cause hurt or pain to anyone that has/is a victim of abusive relationships.
*** TRIGGER WARNING *** [S**ual and Abusive Content]
I have been dealing with some confusing feelings more severely lately. A cousin that is a part of the family on my father's side that introduced me to s** that now realize was abuse is undergoing chemotherapy for cancer. Her prognosis and chances aren't good and I sort-of feel bad her until I recall that she orchestrated the abuse that was carried out by the younger cousins. Years and years of denial by me because once I found out what was going on was inappropriate - I was honestly embarrassed to say anything. That first time at heir barn led to being unknowingly victimized by other family members and even neighbors. It seemed that I was everyone's s**t and w***e. One of the longer-term "relationships" produced a child. I wasn't made aware of the child until I returned from my initial enlistment in the armed forces. One of the truly warped dysfunctional thinking from the early abuse lead into multiple alters and unhealthy relationships. There were many short term s**ual events that opened a door into more and more fetishes that I won't name at this point. I was looking for compulsive s**ual approving seeking whatever the cost, using s** thinking it would lead to love, completely inappropriate boundary violations, and acting out unsavory fantasies with mutually consenting parties ... as well as non-consenting individuals and groups.There's even many incidents that I had a difficult time disclosing [still unable to recover because of my multiplicity and being fully honest with myself] with my psychiatrist, therapists, groups, and sponsors. I feel like a depraved person that search for love was a twisting nightmarish ideal of of what I thought love was. I drank everything from middle school to my young adulthood, and experimented with drugs. I AM a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, love, relationship, nd s** addict. I take responsibility for the things I have done and people I have hurt, but feel if I hadn't been introduced to s** through family members at a young age that perhaps I would have made better choices. So, as I hear about my cousin that orchestrated and more or less oversaw what occurred in the beginning that I can't seem to find any empathy, compassion, or forgiveness for her. Maybe that makes me a petty and ugly person, but no, what I feel is spite and anger. Thanks for listening {reading]. .