I realize that my rock bottom is unforgivable. No one is going to forgive me and I shouldn't expect forgiveness. I'm supposed to forgive myself and move forward. I'm supposed to accept that I'm not meant to be happy. I've turned into my mother and grandmother combined. Yet I've done everything I can to focus on building a business for the sake of taking care of my child and helping people I love because money is the issue. I figured if I did everything I could to accomplish my goals that everything would work itself out. All I had to do was stay focused and believe in myself. No one told me that believing in myself meant that I would make a lot of people angry. I can't talk to any of my family members because I've opened up and told the truth about how I was raised. The truth makes a lot of people look bad. The point is that, I've went to counseling and joined support groups but nothing has helped. I haven't found one person to love me. Even my son screams at me he doesn't love me when he doesn't get his way. He has grew jealous because I would push him away when I need to work or need alone time but he would watch me hug my now ex. My son has vocalized that he doesn't think it's fair and there is nothing I can do to get him to stop feeling jealous or understand that I have to work and we don't have anyone to help us. I know why my grandma was so mean now. Because she would say this will chew you up and spit you out. I get this, because no matter how bad I put all of my efforts into being professional, I can't stop my kid from screaming on the top of his lungs and I can't stop the judgement that comes along with that and everything else. I've been working for call centers, I've been advertising that I was trained to do taxes by Jackson Hewit and took tax class as a part of my accounting major. I studied QuickBooks and became QuickBooks online certified. I freelanced as a bookkeeper and payroll manager. I've tried to sale everything from tshirts, candles, gift baskets, skincare, and apparel. I've started my own blog and have built two websites. I've began affiliate marketing. I've done door dash, UberEATS, Instacart, and Amazon flex. Ive went to social services and have called them over and over and over again. I was actually doing okay until I realized that I really needed support. All I wanted to do was work and be able to pay for basic needs because truth be told I could only afford dollar tree. I just hate this life.
Sometimes life does spit you out and it feels like you can't do anything right, but when you hit bottom, there is no way other than up! We believe in you! So what can you do now?
@CKBlossom keep going I guess.
How are you doing now? Just found your post from a while ago but I wanted to tell you that you ARE supported here. I know it's virtual but I am a real human and I understand when you say you have zero support in your fam /friends group etc...
First let me say, sounds like you are grown. No one, I mean no one should be questioning if you want to be a vegan or talk about how you were raised. That was your experience--you own it, you can share it. Getting it off your chest is the best thing to do. Release it.
I raised 3 kids, wooping them NEVER helped them or the situation EVER. It just ended up making all of us sad, mad and hopeless. Plus, that choice is just 'teaching future generation' anger and violence is normal & the only option. It's keeping an ignorant parenting style going.
I don't know how old your child is but all that stuff about 'jealousy' just has to not be taken with very little emotional response. Kids will use anything they can to try to control the outcome. They are so young and they usually have NO idea -everything is experiemental.
The more laid-back your response, the whole issue DIFFUSES and should fade away. Play up and talk about POSITIVE interchanges between the 2 of you...those will be the best memory-builders for your child. I realize you have very little to give him but you are still giving him the gift of having a wonderful relationship. No one can take that bond from the two of you. He's not going to understand it now, tomorrow but SOMEDAY it will make sense when he's grown! hugs.
I'm so impressed you are doing all these business activities and seeing which will 'stick' -keep going!
My child was sick and almost died, I had to pull every last bit of strength to try to cope with an impossible and hopeless situation. Who can explain the 'mystery' of being a Mother?
Again focus on some good moments between you.
@Littlesis7 I have been doing better. I’m no longer taking medicine. I’ve lost a lot of weight. I feel good though. I’ve started to do my makeup and dressing up like I have always wanted. I’ve been listening to gospel more. It makes me feel a whole lot better. I miss having friends. I miss going out and having fun. I honestly want to cry now, just thinking about all the pain I have caused while trying to heal myself and understand everything going on around me.
I completely agree on the violence part. In culture, it’s more of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. A whooping really hurts more emotionally than physically. Some children turn out fine and others don’t based on individual needs. Whooping has definitely been a source to make children stronger in culture. We all have to learn how to fight back and stand up for ourselves. Whooping is like free unguided training. At least that is how elders are sure to think of it.
I’m so sorry about your son being sick. I hope he is very healthy now. I hope he doesn’t have to get sick again. I hope you don’t get sick. I pray that your family will remain healthy and safe.
Words really do matter. It’s all about choosing to focus on the positive as you said. Remembering and reminding of the positive so that it is always at the fore front.
Thank you for checking on me.