I really feel like we have made some progress.....but I am a

I really feel like we have made some progress.....but I am again wondering if I should be in this marriage.

Seems like we aren't connecting much lately. physically or otherwise. I keep asking myself if my wife (who still works with the AP) is either:

1. kidding herself about the effect on our marriage....I can't imagine that it wouldn't be confusing to be around this person you were so attracted to and had connected with, and then try to rebuild your marriage....

2. or if she has possibly settled into a situation where she knows she has a safe marriage, but she still has her relationship with the AP (and has just gotten way better about hiding it)....

The wondering went on for a few years for myself. There were times I felt disconnected, taken for granted, defeated and I'm sure I'm missing a few. I think at those times I had to take a step back and look at it from a different perspective. What would my life look without him in it. Could I see myself with someone else? I know my anxiety (which has increased tremendously) after dday hasn't helped our situation but I'm trying to get it under control, and I'm finding that it helps when I'm not anxious.

I know that relationships especially long marriages have ebbs and flows where you feel extremely close and then not so...

I think it's especially hard for me when we are not vibing very well because of the affair, and the fact that she still works with the AP.

1 Heart

@jamiemaddrox2020 oh the affair definitely makes it harder. Before dday when we weren’t vibing I knew we would be ok in a day or two so I would give him his space if he needed it. After dday those not vibing moments were small explosions for me.

I know that her continued working relationship with the AP causes you distress. You seem at a cross roads on how to handle it. I do think that given the amount of time that has passed that it is possible that the romantic part of their relationship is gone. I'm not saying it is appropriate or to belittle your feelings. But, she continues to work there and from what I've understood you don't necessarily feel the affair has continued. I think in this day and age, there are too many "Friends with Benefit" relationships which allows people to compartmentalize their feelings from the physical. It also allows them to move on easily or shift from romantic to just friends easily. I don't know if that is the case here. But, your wife has made two decisions 1) to stay with you; 2) to stay at her job. And, unfortunately, she's left you in the limbo land with your feelings. Have you thought long and hard about why you stay? What is it about her? What is it about your relationship that you choose to stay? Are you doing things to build on those positive aspects? Are you creating new memories that can overshadow the old memories that you hold onto? I hate "seeing" you in this continued doubt and distress.

1 Heart

@Leahzan I struggle all the time with the work thing. I tend to swing from “maybe it’s time I accept this and try to make the most of the marriage” to “It’s been long enough, and time to make a stand”… I just can’t wrap my head around staying in a situation that causes my partner so much distress. My other issue is that we had agreed upon boundaries and she chose not to observe them when she started emailing him jokes, etc… As far as I’m concerned, that friendship is toxic to our marriage.

I won’t lie, a big part of why we are together is our kids. We have a 15 year old daughter that will need to be cared for throughout her entire life.

I do love her. I have been trying to focus on the positive things we have going on in our lives. I do think the work thing just becomes too much to bear for me after a while. Like I manage it efficiently for a certain while, but then it becomes too much weight. “does that make sense”?

I've thought about having a conversation with the guy. Not threatening him, but basically just saying, "hey, this situation is driving me insane, and for my own sake, I need to know that you understand that what happened is unacceptable, and that you're going to observe some boundaries"....

But in the end, that guy owes me nothing, and probably could care less... Plus, this gives him power in my marriage, and he's already had enough of that.

Seems to me like the effects of just having infidelity could destroy a marriage whether the affair is over or not. I’m struggling with it badly . I have an awful time trying to connect with her knowing she was so connected to someone else.

@Confusedandhurting it definitely could!

I think there are a ton of factors:

  • how long/involved was the affair?
  • how is the WS putting effort into fixing things?
  • how strong was the marriage to start with
  • are kids involved
  • are you the type of person that can forgive and move forward (assuming things have changed)
  • are there other issues in play (sex addiction, substance abuse, etc…)
  • are you a person of faith? (I’m not especially religious, so I miss out on this aspect of healing)

My wife’s affair was on and off for 3 years. We do have kids . I don’t think she ever wanted to live this life. She doesn’t treat me any differently now than before I found out. I feel like I am almost done. I can’t really describe it, I just feel it. Nothing is the same .

@Confusedandhurting
You might want to listen to that feeling. I fought like hell for 2 and half years to save my marriage. Only to then find out she had been having an affair for a year and a half.

If you think she doesn’t want this life you are probably right. My wife wanted out and tried many ways to show me. I didn’t want to see it. When I gave up on the marriage it freed me from so much. Honestly we have rediscovered our friendship and both of us are a lot happier. We have our bad moments but not like before. You need to listen to your instincts here.

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