I really hope this place helps me because I can't go on like this

Ok... I'm can't seem to figure this site out. I tried to post and I think I ended up replying to someone instead, so I'll try again.
I left my husband of 12 years for a man that I love more than I ever loved my husband. For the first couple years we were so so happy. Then last Dec. I found out he was cheating. He said he did it because he just couldn't seem to make me happy. I had a breakdown. I couldn't work, eat... even getting off the couch to go to the bathroom was more than I felt I could do. I forgave him and we got back together. He said he was certain he loved me and that we could work it out. We were doing well, but his head was turned again - and I forgave him again. I thought he had broken if off with this woman but he hadn't and I ended up finding out. So really he cheated on me twice with the second woman... We have never been very good as breaking up and this time is no exception. Despite the fact that he says he likes her and wants to be with her, we keep in contact and yesterday ended up having sex. I know he continues to see her, but I just can't let go, and he keeps hurting me over and over... What the hell is the matter with me? Why can't I let this man go? My self-esteem is in the toilet. I feel ugly and worthless because of all this. I'm terrified I'll be alone forever because the prospects for a woman my age aren't many. There is a man at work who is very interested in me, but I'm still so in love with my ex... I really think we were meant to be together. I have never suffered like this!

The only thing I can suggest is to remove yourself from this situation and move on. I really can't see this situation getting any better for the parties that are involved.

I can only suggest that you cut your loses and take a sabbatical from romantic relationships. I think you need some alone time to grieve over what has happened.

Good luck. Maybe, someone else can offer you some other sort of advice concerning this.

Thank-you so much for replying… My friends all tell me the same thing, but it’s so hard isn’t it? I wish there was a magic button that I could push that would instantly make me stop living him. I’m an educated woman, and I never ever saw myself in a situation like this one. The grieving time is what I need, but I can’t stand the pain of that process. Oh man… This sort of experience really changes a person doesn’t it?

Yes it does. However, you can do it. You really do need this time to grieve / heal.

It's also a great time to reflect on what happened in your past. This will give you some great insights about what not to do and what to avoid in the future.

Yes... I did talk to a professional about all this, and she really tried to twig onto my past and why I seem to like the pain of having this man in my life. I know he'll hurt me, and I still want him. Sigh... I finally got in to see a psychiatrist (where I live the waiting list is at least 9 months long) and I'm being treated for depression (duh...). He referred me to a psychologist, but I'm a teacher, and now that school's back in session, It will be very hard for me to see him on a regular basis without losing all my sub days. I'm happy to have found this site. I'm bad for running right into the arms of another man when a relationship ends. Terrified to be alone... And now that I'm the age I am... :( I know you are right and that I need to take time to heal my spirit...

OMG ... you are not that old. :P I do realize Regina is not so populated ... but you will find another companion in the future.

As for the psychologist: There are some that have late hours. You might find one that can squeeze you in late. I actually have a therapist that holds sessions up to 10 PM at night. They are out there.

Also, it might be good for you to find a local support group where you can physically take a seat.

As for being alone: You can do it. You will be surprised at the inner strength that we all have.

Well, I feel pretty **** old right now. He left for a woman 10 years younger than I am. She has three children from three different fathers - the last of whom just got out of jail. Nice... Yes, some psychologists work weekends and evenings, but they cost my friend, and a teacher doesn't make that kind of money. Mental health services provides free visits so...
Wow... First day back and I didn't sleep a wink. Hope my students are as sleepy as I am...

Just tell the kids that they need a nap. If you are teaching tweens or teenagers they might want to have you committed if you suggest that. LOL

I really can't tell if I am a year older than you or if am just a few days older than you. I've found that you can't select December as your birthday on this site. It will read January.

Any way. My point is that if you are 41 years old and that means you are still young. I know I struggle with this too. However, I do realize that I am still "IN IT" and I am not hanging my life up on some proverbial shelf. I still feel like I did when I was 21.

There are many things you can do to feel younger. I was going to suggest that create a personal ad on one of those Internet Dating sites. Then, let all the guys hit on you. Women (and I'm sure some men too) do this to help them feel better about their age, appearance, etc ... They just don't reply to the men that respond to them. Again, they are just out there to feel better about themselves and crave the feeling of being wanted.

Then, I thought that might not be the best solution for you right now. :)

There are many other ways to feel young. I'm sure if I had some more coffee in my veins I would offer up a plethora of information. However, there are many websites and books out there that can help you with this. :)

As for the ex's girlfriend: A 10 year difference in age is really not all that much. I am sure that when you put yourself out there again to enjoy the hell of dating, that you will find a lot of YOUNGER and older men will try to get your attention.

I hope your day goes smoothly and that your students don't hone in on your lack of sleep.

I"m sorry I think 10 years in this situation is a lot. She is well - trashy. I'm told that she starts bar fights and her first instinct when she hears raised voices in the bar is to grab a bottle with which to beat someone. Nice... He left an educated, classy, independent woman for a trashy bar brawler. Ok... that was a rant. Today I'm kind of ticked because he text me today. I vowed not to speak to him, so I MADE myself stop texting him. Today while I was driving home from work he just started blabbing with me via text as if nothing had happened. I chatted back, and we didn't chat long, but it did leave me wondering... Why the hell (if he does not want me) does he keep doing this???????? He could simply stop talking to me if he wants to be with his bottle gouging bar skank. Errr... I do not hang out in night clubs - it isn't my style. I have a professional career, and I like to go to places that make this fellow feel uncomfortable. He has always had low self-esteem, so he feels weird in swanky places. I guess this woman makes him feel superior somehow. :(:( But I still love the ****... I wish I had a great big magic eraser.

if u were a teen my advice would be change fone number and have a good cry then move on.

but u have a career a lifestyloe and i agree a man who failed to take his place at your side, kinda makes u feel sorry for him really, look what he chose for himself with his other brain......

ive children older than u both are, yet they seem to go to classy places just to enjoy the company of friends and new aquaintances, its does wonders for their egos and they dont bring the person home just hope to see them next time they are out.

dont loose sleep over something that has already happened its not worth it, u are a bright educated girl so go have some me time

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

D :)

Hey there domestic...
Thank-you for replying. I haven't had a post in a while... I've wished many times over the past several months that I was a teen. They have their hearts broken and bounce back quickly because they don't fall in love (typically) as deeply as adults do. I'm doing a bit better these past few days. I still cry each day, and I still pray that he'll wake up and realize that it's me he should be with, but... Yeah, that's a dream I'm pretty sure will never come true. I miss a lot about our life together, and still dream about his kids (who I love and miss so much), but I have to find a way to move on I guess. I really believed I'd live my life with this man that's the thing... Each time I begin to think that I can move forward with my life and not have him in it, something happens to drag me back to the place where I'm shaking my head and experiencing that "knowing" feeling that this will all work out and we'll be together again...
You are right to say that I shouldn't lose sleep over something that's already happened, and I guess I have to admit that some "me" time is probably in order. I lived my life for this man, and it's time I started living for other reasons. I'm thinking a lot about the concept of forgiveness... I am on the road to forgiving him for his affairs. It's possible (I think) because I love him and really do want him to be happy. When you love someone, you want them to be happy even if it means their decisions won't necessarily make you happy. I'm not at the point where I can accept that he may be with this other low life woman, but... it's hard to explain. I'm not Christian, so the concept of forgiveness is foreign to me - not that only Christians know about forgiveness - so I'm trying to love him enough to forgive him I guess... I want to be a good person and let him do his thing whether I agree with it or not. I can't force him to love me or come back to me, and that's a hard thing for me to accept. He needs to make his own choices, and me crying all over him, texting him hoping for a slight comment that may mean he'll come back, and basically begging him to love me is not going to make him want to spend the rest of his life with me. He keeps saying that there's so many good things about "us" but that there are also a lot of bad things... My friend finally gave me the truth the other night... This man still has feelings for me, but they aren't strong enough for him to get past all the hurt that exists between us so he's walking away. It's exactly how I felt when I left my husband. He still loved me, and I still cared very much for him, but just not enough to commit my life to him.
Thanks again for posting... My reply seems to have been very umm... Well it's helped for me to put into words what's been on my mind. Thanks for the chance to express myself this way...
Have peace in your life...
Thistle

thistle

thats the beauty of the site u write and heal yourself, i quite agree that its best to let him go and make his own mistakes, and yes its tragic when the volume of love is not given equally by both sides all that happens is resentment sets in for the one who gives too much.

and your right teens dont fall in love deeply they dont have the maturity for it nor the concept of loving someone ultimately,

if u really love someone u can only offer them freedom to do as they please sometimes its enough to bring them back but others its time to fly solo for a while and although that is painful at least u know the worst now

any way keep posting/chattin

loving thoughts and positive vibes

D :)

I have read your post and can't help but think that this man cheated and left because he does not feel that he deserves you. Then, I also do not know the circumstances or your leaving your husband...Sometimes, men observe what we women do and judge, even if they go along with our actions at the time. Sort of like Adam and Eve: Adam went along with Eve, but then blamed her for all of their problems.
At any rate, he is like most humans beings, including yourself, in not being able to let go of something we once had. But don't keep giving yourself hope for him over this, they are only false glimmers...you will only torture yourself, in the end.
We all deserve to be treated with honesty and respect, including having someone care about our feelings. He is unable to empathize with you, so it does not appear that he has done a lot of growing up. However, there are children who are able to give more than he has given you.

Hey there Lil_Dipper...
I think you are onto something there. :) I'm sure he doesn't feel he deserves me, and in many ways he doesn't. And you are right about me torturing myself. I know this is self-imposed torture, but... I just can't seem to stop myself. Isn't that stupid and weird? He is immature - you're right about that too. Do you know him? Or maybe you are him? :):):) Ah... I don't know... I wish I didn't love him, but I do. I met a woman last summer whose husband was shot in former Yugoslavia. She was in her mid 50's and he's been dead several years (over 20 I think) and she still loves him as much as she always did. I think about her a lot and hope that I won't still be in love with this man in 20 years.

Your post was so very honest, and usually that kind of honesty about my situation ticks me off, but it didn't from you... Perhaps because you are a stranger, perhaps because I'm healing???? I hope so... He doesn't make this easy. He texts me, and chats with me... He knows I'm weak and will always answer his messages. I have a wonderful friend who says that there's nothing wrong with me that a large bowl of pasta, a bottle of wine, and a new boyfriend won't cure. I'm not ready for a new man... But I do hope I find true love again.

My husband??? Well, he was a good man. Would never have cheated on me, but there was no love left in our marriage. It just faded away for both of us. We both moved on almost right after I moved, and neither of us have looked back. No drama on that front...

Thank-you for your honesty. You remind me of my sister.
Have peace in your life.
Thistle. :)

No you are not stupid. I pined away for a man who I felt treated me badly and I became very self-destructive. There was a lot of drama involved that I am not proud of. It was one of the most painful events in my life.
I hated that I could not treat myself with compassion while this man took advantage of me because he knew how much I loved him. So dearly and so completely (or desperately, should I say).
I had no idea what had gotten a hold of me. It was inexplicable...and he reeled me back in, always, with his disarming style. I could not help myself and I was so ashamed.
Yet, ironically, we are now still together after three years of hell. He did not cheat on me, per se, but he was dishonest and hurtful: The scars burned deep in my soul and I made him psychically pay for all the damages he incurred...I loved him, resented him, and hated him.
However, do not think badly of yourself: I am still with him because he has changed his ways. In fact, the tables were reversed, as I mentioned above, and I became the emotional abuser. We are now both starting to heal.
Life is hard...
Thank you for your kind words. I would like to know how you progress as time moves forward.

Hi Lil,
I just happened to come across your post today. I am in a 25yr marriage and am going out of my mind. In reading what you wrote I am wondering now to myself if I should just leave. I know everyones circumstances are diff but I feel I have put too much into this. Love should not hurt this much nor should it be such a struggle. I know life is not easy but living with someone and feeling so bad u dont even want to live anymore is not good. I have to make some kind of decision or have yet another talk or something, I simply can not go on another day in pain and my husband just making excuses. I love me to much and dont want to loose myself completly. People are telling me to be patient however I have been for 25plus yrs. Life is to short for me to allow myself this misery. He always will say I am over exagerrating and nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong if I do everything that he wants. If i ever address me or my needs it is well I dont know what to tell you. He says this is me and Im not changing. I just pray GOd gives me strength to do what I need to do. Any suggestions would be a great help.
Thanks and have a great day!
Lily

By the way, I also wanted to not sound so hypocritical when I told you I stayed with my significant other. We almost did not make it and I had to let him go for things to change.
He obviously did not think that he could ever lose me, but I proved him wrong. I was willing to rip myself out of his life because of the pain I endured.

lil dipper

there i think u have it in a nutshell

great answer

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

D :)

Thank you. I joined this site yesterday because I felt it would help me to hear what others have to say about their own experiences and I am so glad that I did. The people here seem so supportive of each other.
It is gratifying and cathartic to be able to express myself. I wish that I had done this sooner.

it comes to us all in the end, life is a maze and we find our way thur as best we can

glad u are here hon

keep posting

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

D :)