I really, really wish my interest in women would come back. I am still interested but the HOCD clouds everything. When I see an attractive woman, I automatically look and think "Wow! I wish I could have her!" then the HOCD kicks in and ruins everything. I know this is common for any anxiety disorder but it feels so real and so uncomfortable and so depressing!
Despite having gone to a week-long conference where I had a little tiny bit of a romance. There was a woman who I met who I think was into me. We'd joke around and one night we were sitting on a lobby couch with some friends and she was leaning next to me. It felt nice. It felt good. I didn't let HOCD ruin the moment. I felt like I was in high school again (I'm in my mid-forties)! After flying back from the conference, I was all too happy to message her. On top of that, there were many gay guys and a transgender at the conference. HOCD went haywire but by the middle of the week, I was perfectly fine. The thoughts decreased dramatically and by the time I flew back home I thought I was practically cured. A few days later though, a relapse. I like to remember this time to keep in mind that it's all in the head and not real. THEN WHY DO I STILL NEED REASSURANCE???
And now I'm going through a major doubting phase that I'll never be interested in women. I think my problem is I visual this scenario in my head. And as you know, the mind cannot distinguish between imaginary and real.
Just let the thoughts come into your head. I know it can be scary at first, but if you do this, the HOCD will go away. HOCD hasn't gone yet, but I'm still waiting patiently.
Yeah, you're right. Patience is key. It's so hard.
Last night I had a really unpleasant thought/sensation come up while listening to a podcast. The host mentioned "his partner" which triggered my OCD to worry what if his partner is a guy? So I responded to that with a "So what? What does that have to do with me?". Over and over and over and over. The thoughts wouldn't go away and I was listening intently waiting for the host to refer to his partner as a "she" or a "he". Then suddenly, I found myself thinking "It would be pretty boring if it was a she". WHAT?!
I don't know if this was a compulsion, but I'm assuming it was – I imagined him saying "she" but it ended up being boring. I imagined him saying "he" and it was exciting. So you can imagine my anxiety shot up. "What does that mean? What does that mean?". Then I heard the host refer to his partner as "she" and I felt the sensation of it being uninteresting, boring. After a few minutes of panic, the thought of "she" was back to normal again "That's great. I wish I had a woman in my life. To be with me, etc.". Even now, the morning after as I type this.
So what was that? Just the brain messing with me? A random thought that could have easily been, say, a harm ocd thought? After all, thoughts aren't a reflection of ourselves. Thoughts aren't a reflection of our sexual orientation. But why have a moment where my normal orientation seems boring? I do think visually so maybe it was just the arousal by a sexual image (though I didn't imagine them having sex, it was just a sexually relevant scene. I read on ocdla and a few other places where it doesn't matter what the content is, if it's sexually relevant we will get aroused no matter what.).
My gut feeling is it's the usual brain-throwing-random-stuff-at-you and the content of our thoughts don't matter. I wasn't desiring the host, I wasn't desiring being with gay men via a podcast. I just want my old life back when my thoughts were occupied with thoughts of romancing a woman. The idea of me being gay is so foreign. Not the me I know.
Brains are powerful. They can make you believe whether it's true, but clearly - it's 100 percent not. I really love romance, but when HOCD hit me so hard for the first time, it ruined my life, which is why it caused me not to enjoy this kind of stuff anymore. Not to mention that HOCD doesn't exist to some LGBT people that keep telling straight people to come out of closet, which of course wouldn't happen, because straight people are just having messed up thoughts, not sexual orientation crisis or something like that.