i return to this wailing wall to scratch onto little slips of paper some of the little bits that are troubling me... in the hopes of letting go, even for just a moment, as i fashion the slips of paper into the small crevices of this wall..
slip #1
i must get weighed today. my conscience is heavy with worry... and my pockets may be heavy with rocks.
slip #2
i'm trying to make a specific change in my life. i completely blew it last night.
slip #3
i've been told recently that it is easier for me to be angry with myself than it is for me to be angry with someone who has trespassed against me.
slip #4
i don't recognize myself lately.
fold. crinkle. stuff. smash.
thank you for witnessing my small attempt to let go....
xoxo
Amy,
Just slipped by to see how this forum is rolling. So important that the first post I see is yours.
Consider yourself witnessed Sojourn Sister.
Love,
Patsy
Amy,
What is it with us??? Number 1 was my dilemna this morning. Pretend my weight was fine or let go and show how it really is. I opted against the former and went for the latter.
I am not sure if i would do the same next week but i know that honesty does tend to be the best policy wth the professionals we are working with. Just keep in mind that they are on our side. Trying to help us as we battle the ED.
My challenge to myself this week is to let go of my failings. Forgiving ourselves is a hard thing to practise but just keep in mind that the opposite, is 10 times worse.
Hope your day goes well.
xx
patsy and sreb, my sweet soul sisters...
i have returned from the fucking weigh in. nothing like heavy cargo pants, a heavy belt, a few items in my pockets, clunky keens, and a hat [for good measure]... had a 1/2 bagel and drank as much water as i could choke down- maybe 16 oz. added enough extra for me to let out a sigh of relief when the number was officially recorded.
and thankfully my blood pressure is normal also. deep sigh.
i'm sorry to have been a bit deceptive...but i don't intend on bulking up every time i get weighed.... i just needed it this time to cushion the blow.
i am also going back to what i've been trying to change... i hate that i blew it. i hate that i loved how it felt to blow it. and i hate that i need to get my act together and just DO this... so i'm picking up where i left off tonight [fingers crossed].
thank you again for witnessing...
xoxo
Amy,
These are not easy steps you are taking, friend... And although I will tell you that it WILL be better in time, there are still difficult days... Today, I also faced the scale. But I was fearing an increase... I had a good, solid two weeks since my last weigh-in, with my slight restricting corrected, and my calories up. Plus one day without a clue about the numbers, which always makes me nervous... AND my period... I went in after stressing about the stupid scale for a few days... Would I look? Would I weigh blindly? I didn't want to see an increase... But I also didn't want to go a whole MONTH without knowing... The pressure builds in the space between my visits... I prepared myself for the worst... My nutritionist asked me if I was ready... I said, "NO!" She asked if I needed to weigh blindly. I said, "Yeah..." Then... "No, I have to look. No, I can't look. Okay, let me see..." And RELIEF!!!! I've been the EXACT same weight for the last six weeks!! LOL!! No change. So... I'm breathing some relief right now... Eating all my calories with a clear conscience. And hoping that the pressure building will not be quite as sharp. It takes time and practice to learn to trust ourselves, my friend... To trust our bodies... I seem to have landed at my set-point... And though my body seems to know what it's doing, it's difficult for me to surrender control to it. ♥ Practice. Slips. Pressure. And trying again... ♥ It's all you can do. You're moving, friend... Sending you love! :)
Jen
sky-writer jen-
what a relief to have reached your set-point. my heart soars with joy!
thank you for choosing to share your journey here. your hard work is paying off.
to trust our bodies... it will take MUCH time and practice for me to get to that point. when i try to trust it now, i believe that the messages have been reworked and crafted into a pretty little package that is so believable and trustable. but i'm learning that the messages are truly not the original messages my body was sending me...
although i blew it the night b/f, i attempted to pick up where i left off. i'm not thrilled with the attempt, but i am certainly NOT unhappy with it either. let's here it for a real effort. :)
and my abilities seem to wax and wane with no apparent method to its madness... i took advantage of my waxing abilities, had some dinner with my kids, and i saw a bit of myself that i recognize... baby steps.
thank you for taking the time to read my nonsense, unorganized babble...
xoxo
Amy
Baby steps will get you there.Honesty with ourselves and the professionals will help you move forward at a quicker pace.The fear will always set in but like Jen said we have to learn to trust our bodies.
I am slowly getting there.I was supposed to have follow up after treatment..but I have not been in contact with any professionals since my treatment.I think I am testing myself..its a dangerous thing to do but I think I can do this..I hope I can.
BABY STEPS -HONESTY-TRUST it may take much practice but I have faith you can do this.
LOVE♥