so after two weeks of anxiety and seconded guessing my choice to seek treatment i made it to the appointment it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be she was very nice I found it hard talking about my eating habits though she asks so many question I tried to be as honest as possible but there we times that i could not her the truth all that was going through my head was don't tell her that then you have to stop it. I was actually surprised by what her unofficial diagnoses was for me ednos she told me that i will get a official diagnoses at my plan of care with the whole team. i thought for sure i was bulimic but apparently i don't fit the all criteria for it. i don't fit anorexia because i m not underweight and i don't fit bulimia because i purge even when i don't binge and i normal don't binge more then once a week sometime less sometime more so i get ednos i have never heard of it she told me that even though i have a lot of the criteria for anorexia and bulimia i don't fit DSM-IV for eithier bmy thoughtfrist thought were that i dont have an eating disorder she told me did and that thier are dangerous consacouses to me eat disortor just like anorexia and bulimia. I have admit i left the ofece thinking it was a load of bull that as long as i dont have anorexia or bulimia im fine but i think that eating disorder thinking agian back to the your not sick you need to starve your fat. well any way i have my plan of care in 2 weeks i told her my fear of of ending up in impatient treatment she told it would be my chose but she would mention it to the team so 3 more week of anxiety man i stressed out already and the treatment has not even began sorry this is long im kinda porsesing my day as i type.i will post update thanks everyone
Just,
I'm so glad you went for the assessment. :) That's a great first step at self care. :)
Try not to think too much about your label... No matter what they decide to label your particular set of symptoms, that doesn't change the serious nature of them. An EDNOS diagnosis does NOT mean you don't need help!! It does NOT mean your ED isn't as strong!!
I have been diagnosed with EVERY kind of ED... Used to have BED. Self-diagnosed as EDNOS, but was told by my first therapist that I had anorexia. Months later, second therapist, diagnosis of bulimia! And I don't purge at all! So... You just never know. My symptoms may have changed, they've improved and curtailed as I've progressed through the recovery process... The label they cary is more useful to the professionals than to me. I know well what weight they carry in our minds, and how our EDs can feed on them... Try to resist that. :) It's not helpful for your recovery.
Much love! One day at a time!!
Jen
Thanks jan I will difenetly try not focus on the label and focus on the afects it's having on my lifeand the recovery procses. My anxety is really ever since I have had the date for the apointment but since I had the apoomtment it over the top almost to much to handle and I m worried I might get caught in a vicous fasting cycle I have been severly resticting my cal intake for the past 6 days and today was be far the worse it's been I had talk my self into eating even four baby carots and ended up purging and going for a twohour run which lead to me passing out i gusse im just wondering if anyone eles ed seem to increses (dont know if increse is the rigjt word) when you know treatment is around the corner I really scared that I'm not strong engh to not have my ed I know it sounds nuts but I have a love but hate realstionship with it I love the control and power I feel with it but hate the efecus it had on my realationships and socail life or lackthere of since it started can anyone realte or am I crazy belive I feel crazy but most of all I feel hoplessly alone well thank for Lissoning to me rant on and on I hope everyone is doing well
just...I agree with Jen, that the diagnosis is mostly important for the clinical aspect and billing purposes..sigh. Actually, they have found that the diagnosis of EDNOS is very dangerous, partly because people just like you feel that it's not really anything to worry about..and it certainly is!!
And yes, when someone knows they may be going into treatment, even if they want help, it's not uncommon for the ED symptoms to increase...the nature of the beast. If you can fight against that, your recovery can be quicker for you, but do the best you can. Please keep writing and let us know the plans....HUGS...Jan ♥
Just,
Ahhh... The ED mind can play such tricks on us!! I remember in the beginning, sitting in my first therapist's office, listening to her trying to empathize with me... She kept saying, "You just can't stay this small FOREVER... It's too much WORK!" Ahhh... My ED brain heard that as a CHALLENGE!! 'Oh, yes I CAN! Watch me! I'm NOT lazy! I CAN do this!' it shouted at me... :P Today... I have greater clarity... I can see that it's not so much that I COULDN'T stay at that weight... But that I SHOULDN'T... I was fighting my body and suffering for it... I'm at a healthy weight today. So many things have improved... ♥ I COULD have stayed at that weight... But was it worth it? :0/ Not so much...
Recovery is scary and BIG... Your ED is undoubtedly feeling very threatened right now, and it's digging in its heels... Hang in there! As Jan said, do what you can! :) Treatment will be difficult, but it will also be the most rewarding thing you've ever done. Remember that you'll get out of it what you put into it. ♥
Lots of love!
Jen
just
I self diagnosed myself and came to the conclusion I was EdNos.Then I pushed for an assessment and was told different.Your mind does play games because you want to believe that its really not that bad.And if you had been truthfull and shared all your behaviors(not casting blame here)that label could be different.Whats important is that you don't focus on the label.It really doesn't matter what the label..just know you are suffering and need help.Asking for help is the first BIG step NOT easy and you did that.That is awesome!!You should be proud ..asking for help is a sign of strength.YES !the symptoms will increase or worsen when you know treatment is ahead.That is normal but try to fight through that.
I wrote down all my behaviors and handed it to the lady who did my assessment.Please don't be ashamed..it will only HELP you in the end.
They do care and they can help ..but you have to really want the help and be willing to push through because it is hard work.
You are this far ..I believe you have that strength..like Jan always says keep pushing for what you know you need.
Because YOU are WORTH it.
Love Grace
hey grace, how are you, how have you been? how is your treatment going???
love
maureen
thanks every one i m trying not to let my ed control me so far it feels like a losing battle last night i wanted to binge so badly and to make it worse i had to decorate and bake 63 cup cakes for my friend Canada day party which i made an excuse to get out of going too i really wated to go but my i kept think about all the food and the fact that i my fromer foster mom was going to be there and she was already suspious of my wieght loss when she saw me last and now i m even smaller so i dicieced that i had to stay home anfd work out instaed damd ed i hater it i miss just being abe to go to a party no worry just fun but anyways the whole time i was baking i did not binge or even taste an of the cup cake i felt so pord of my self so strong my stomic was hurting so badly since i have basically been fasting for 8 days i fished the cup cakes and went to bed but i could not sleep i was stomic was in lots of pain so got up and made soup broth drank that then went to sleep but woke up at 4 am feel so sick my head hurt i felt neausues stood up and bang i pass out got up off the floor cryed i all i keopt thing was leah what are you doing to yourself you need food badly your dont want to end up in the hospital eat. so i did i eat a whole apple which took my 2 hours to eat then i went for a run came home felt like i was going to pass out i went to my fridge uped it and looked for somthing to eat ithe only thing in there was fruit 2 picies of bread and choclate frosting my ed took over i ate half a jar of frosting on to peices of bread with sliced up banana and surgar on top ive never eaten this before it did not even taste that good but i ate it all then purged now i m sitting here and all i m thinking about id binging more and to make it worse my councellor called and had to reschedule my appointment she ask if i it was ok and that if i was struggling she could try to figure somthing out to not have move my appointment to a futher date but me not wanting to cause conflict said no i m fine i can wait ( i think part of the ressone i said no i m fine was my ed saying that gives you longer to get to your goal ) but any way now my appointments not untill the 22 and i stuck trying to fight the erge to binge today and porbly the next few day untill i cave in then the the fasting beging againg . grrr i m finally seeing what little control i actually have over my ed. will any way thanks every one for the reply your suport is greatly appreciated. love leah
Leah,
I hope you will call for help sooner... This is no way to live; it's a sure way to die... :0/ I'm so worried about you, sweetie... There IS a better way! A life of freedom IS possible! Please try... Ask for the help you so desperately need... ♥
Much love,
Jen
i m going to emerge but im very worrid about being admitted to the hospital i binged last night and overdosed on laxtive and water pills i woke up and have passed out 3 time so far today so i m going to the hospital i will post an update when ever i get out please keep me in your prayers that lots of love leah
Definitely praying for you, hon. :0/ Write when you can...
i went to hospital i had an electrolyte imbalance and cardiac arrhythmia they gave me fluids and are sending me to a cardiologist and i am on a wait list for an impatant ed treatment don't no how i m going to pay for it but it will work out. oh and my ed is no longer a secret everyone knows now to my surprise i actually feel better about not having to lie anymore like a weight has been lifted oh and i saw a psychiatrist as well and he diagnosed me with anorexia no longer ednose do to my weight loss in the last 10 days so now i will possibly get into treatment faster i hope promised the doctor i would try to increase my calories but 50 each week he wanted 100 but i said 50 was all i could handle so he agreed i will be getting meal support from a counselor for 1 meal a day for once i m starting to believe in recovery i really scared myself yesterday i don't want to die i just turned 20 and want to live until at lest 80 so i m going to try my best i no I'm still going to have bad day but now i realize i can have good days too:) ps. i ate a piece of toast today and did not purge i know it seem small but for me its a big step bread is not one of my safe foods thank for your prayers they are greatly appreciated love leah
Leah,
I'm so glad you're going to get some help! This secret has been threatening your very life... It must feel so much better to feel like you don't have to hide your pain. Just remember to keep asking for what you need. Just because people now know what you're dealing with doesn't mean they understand... I've found that people generally want to help, but they don't know how. It's difficult, but you have to educate them... Hang in there, sweetie! You have help available! ♥
Love,
Jen
Leah..This may be your 'rock bottom', which feels horrible, but good at the same time, knowing that the ED cannot control you privately any longer. I am sorry that you are now facing possible physical damage, but please take each day for what it is, and accept the help that is available. I do know how the 'little' things are truly big in terms of making progress. Those baby steps can soon become leaps if you don't give up!! I hope your tests don't indicate anything dangerous, and I hope you can get into treatment quickly. Sending you HUGS...Jan
Leah: I am so glad you are getting help and you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep writing when you are able.
leah
Do you live in Canada?I ask b/c You could be referred for treatment at Toronto General and its covered under OHIP.As much as you want to hang onto the ED YOU do KNOW this is NO way to continue to live b/c surely continuing this path you may not live to see 80.
Ask yourself this do you really want to keep living like this?Trust me I know its hard to battle this alone You did the right thing I hope you get the help you need soon.You have to be willing to fight this.Please keep us updated.
Love
Grace
Thank everyone I taking it one day at a time like I told my mom if it was a simple one time choice to eat then I would be in recovery but it's every day every meal I m proud to report I have not purged in over 24 hour somthing I have not done in at lest 4 months. I m struggling today though every bite is a battle somtimes I win some time ed is to strong and I give in but hey that pint is choosing to fight at all I now I can't be perfect somthing that is hard to admit begining portfectionist Normally if it can't be perfect it's not worth trying at lest that my thinking I m being too hard on myself again .
just…congrats to you for your report! You are right, you really do have to take it one day at a time, sometimes, even one meal at a time! If you look at the entire picture, it can be overwhelming! Yes, if it was simple, none of us would continue to live with an eating disorder. You deserve credit for all of the effort you put into this! Please allow yourself that! Take care…Jan 
Sorry double post