Background: I am going to be 40 this year. Have 2 small kids, a professional job, divorced but have a serious bf.
I am so afraid of my habits. I've been bulimic for almost 20 yrs now! I am only imagine what affects its had on my body. I am so out of control. I throw up constantly, multiple times a day. Worse is that I often purposely SHOP for food and spend HUNDREDS of dollars each week to get fatty foods and then come home devour it and vomit. Sometimes on weekends I do it 3-4 times a day.
It leaves me exhausted. I can't fight it and feel out of control. The only way I don't throw up is if my bf spends the night and I have no recourse. Otherwise, I've thrown up all over the world in hotels, restaurants, etc.
Its pitiful and sad. I've wasted thousands.
Will I continue doing this until I am 60 IF i live that long?
I did go into an in-patient facility for 1 week 10 yrs ago and it didn't work. The urge is too great.
WHAT CAUSES THIS CURSE and how can i stop it. i know i am killing myself and my kids need me.
On the outside i am a picture of health and everyone thinks i am healthy and a fitness fanatic. If they only knew the true demon I am dealing with on a daily basis.. I think about food ALL of the time.
Please help and give me your thoughts - especially those that have been bulimic for a long time like me.
Thanks for your post. It was almost like reading my own profile. I don't have the answer for you, I am afraid, as I am dealing with the same feelings. I just know that I can no longer continue to live this way, feeling completely ashamed of anyone finding out the truth about me. I think was has finally pushed me over the edge is the knowledge that my children need me. They need me more invested in them everyday and deserve that from me, rather than my figuring out how/when I can "relieve" my urge again. I also know that I am honestly one of the luckiest women in the world to have fallen in love with my own boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, who adores me. I am desperate to be the woman he believes me to be, and to deserve the love he gives me. I so honestly feel your exact pain. Perhaps we can assist one another.
I really feel for you and I know how you are feeling. I've been bulimic for 30 years now. I used to throw up up to 20 times a day. I'd wake up in a morning, head to the supermarket and wander around in a kind of daze filling my basket with high fat high sugar foods knowing that my binge would start as soon as I got home. My life revolved around binging and like you I'd spend hundreds and racked up quite a lot of debt. Although it never went away my bulimia wasn't as bad for a few years, I'd have good weeks and bad weeks but at least I wasn't throwing up every day.
I have two children, now aged 17 and 19 and like you I have a professional job, in healthcare - what a joke!!
I finally met a wonderful man 3 years ago and escaped a very unhappy marriage. Things aren't straight forward as my new husband is from Canada and I'm from the UK. The governing body for my profession make it extremely difficult for me to work in Canada and I've spent the last 2 years going backwards and forwards while I study and take the 16 exams they have set me.
I'm currently back in the UK, miles away from both my husband and family and my bulimia is even worse. I've spend the last 2 days on a manic binge and purge and I can't seem to stop myself. I'm 46 years old and like you I wonder if I'll ever be free of this disease. People tend to think that it only inflicts young girls but we're living proof that those young girls turn into middle aged women and still bulimic.
Please get in touch as it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this. Will we ever be free?
Lizzy
Thanks for your response. I also sent you a private message. Its sad that we are in the predicament that we are in – especially at our age! I so wish I could DEFEAT this awful disease. I feel like a lot of things in my life are going great so why am I still b/p-ing??? I really don’t get it.
Can it be that my obsession with F O O D and having a good physique overpowers my will to lead a normal life??
My kids are 9 and 7 and I already am hiding things from them - having to replace food that I’ve devoured and hoping they don’t notice… Its really insane.
Its a disease, plain and simple. There is no generic reason we develop an ED...I know the shame and guilt that follows a binge and purge. Its gut wrenching. Have you thought about going to a support group?
i would so say you dont have to live like this and please get help---go to a doctor, get a therapist, confide in someone, and keep posting your feelings
i just found this post that i made when i first joined the site 8 months ago. i was trying to think if i've made ANY strides of improvement in my recovery and i may have made some slight ones.
it made me sad to re-live how desperate i was on that day i wrote it.
we deserve a better life!
just sharing and interested in your thoughts.
i hope in another 8 months i can post that i TRULY see some massive improvements.