I should be happy so why am I so depressed?

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

I know I should be focusing on the positive (I have a roof over my head, I can afford all the doctor's bills and prescriptions, I have a family that loves me), but these days it's hard. I'm dealing with a lot right now and some days it's almost too much to bear. I have chronic pain from endometriosis, fibromyalgia, slipped discs in my neck and back, migraines. And I feel like nothing but a burden on that family that loves me. Also, I'm doing pretty badly with my eating disorder right now, which tends to make all of the other stuff worse.

I recently got sick, which led to a relapse. I won't go into detail with lb #'s but I had gained about --- (from a healthy weight that I had gotten to by throwing up everything I allowed myself to eat, which wasn't much) about 10 years ago. I lost about -- of it over the years, but I recently lost about --- It was mostly from being sick, then after I was better, I watched my portions (of my one meal)like a hawk and cut out anything fattening, high-calorie (my purge foods, basically).

I recently went to my neice's 3rd b-day party and saw several family members and friends who I hadn't seen in awhile and the whole time everyone was asking me if I lost weight and telling me how great I looked I wanted to cry. My mind kept bouncing from 'Did I look so repulsive before?' to being depressed b/c I seem to have hit a plateau and still --- to be at a healthy weight for my -- curvy body shape. (I want to look like Kim Kardashian - except my butt will never be that big - slender but still voluptuous). I just have no idea how! I know I need to start exercising, but have no clue as to what KIND of exercises to do, or what food to eat.

Sometimes (rarely) I'll look at my body and can see that I'm smaller all over. But most of the time all I see are that my upper arms are still huge and my stomach repulses me. And I have absolutely no support. I'll get in my anorexic bouts and eat nothing for 3 days and my Mom won't notice. But if I eat one spoonfull too much of something, all I hear about is how much I eat, and that she doesn't think that I realize how much I'm really eating. Believe me, after more than 15 years of bulimia/anorexia, I know EXACTLY what goes into my mouth. I'd love to be able to see a nutritionist and a personal trainer but those cost money that I don't have b/c I'm not working right now b/c the pain is pretty debilitating lately (plus the job market sucks). I'd love to even just have a friend to team up with to workout and support each other, but all my friends are tiny. Plus I very rarely see them anymore anyway - another reason for the depression and lonliness. I even stopped going to church b/c I couldn't stand seeing the women who are all so beautiful (inside and out), and thin, and who have husbands and children. I can't take having to look at all the things I'll never be or have.

I want to go into treatment so badly, but I had a terrible experience with a local program several years ago and it's made me extremely gunshy. They basically told me I was too fat to go inpatient (they didn't want me to trigger the other girls in there, which had been my biggest fear about going in to begin with.) But to actually hear someone say that just broke me. They let me do 'intensive outpatient' therapy and it was a joke. Then, when I made a mistake (I accidentally OD'D on painkillers and alcohol -- I was in extreme pain both physical and emotional and wanted it to go away, but wasn't trying to kill myself) they dropped me. So, *poof* no treatment, no support. I couldn't go through that again, I'm too fragile right now.

And I'm soooo sick of all the pills! I've built up such a tolerance, and all of the doctors' only answer seems to be to up the dosage. I'm now on 40mg of Vicodin a day (4 10mg pills a day), 3 .5mg Xanax a day, 10mg of flexeril a day for the back spasms and cramps, plus a 50mcg fentanyl patch that releases the meds over 3 days. And don't get me started on the non-pain meds - trazodone to help me sleep, savella for the pain and depression, topamax for the migraines, tigan for the nausea from the pain meds, and a hormone - norethindrone - for the endometriosis. I should be 83 years old, and I feel it a lot of the time. I know in my head 31 isn't old, but I don't FEEL that way, ya know?
Does anyone know of a way to get off the pain meds without doing it cold turkey or going into rehab? I've done cold turkey and btwn the withdrawl and the pain I felt like I was dying.

I'm sorry y'all, I guess I just needed to vent - didn't want to drag anyone else down with me, so I'm truly sorry if I did. Thanks for giving me a place to talk so openly.

*hugs and prayers*
Ash

2

Hi Ash, thank you so much for sharing with us and for being here. It seems that you are going through quite a bit, but I think that you can most definitely get on a path to recovery. First and foremost, you are here with us and I know that you clearly want to get better and help yourself.

Lastly, have you considered either a local support group to help you through your ED and/or therapy?

Please know that you are not alone, we are here for you.

3

ash vent away dear one. sometimes we just need to be heard, about getting off the meds see your doc. they usually reduce little by little each week. thats how mine does.

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thank you both so much for the support!
I've looked into local support groups but haven't been able to find anything yet. I'm also looking for a therapist -- I'm REALLY picky with my therapists. I have a psychiatrist, but all he really does is write prescriptions.

I'm just at such a low point right now. I'm thinking of asking my GYN about a hysterectomy the next time I see her. The evil part of my brain has me convinced that I'll never get married, and therefore never have the chance to try for a child. Although the way men treat me has a lot to do with that too. I'm just so sick of all the pain and with the treatment I'm on now, I'm not having periods which is good, but I FEEL like I have my period (moderate to severe cramps, backaches and spasms, nausea, and migraines) every day. The worst part for me is that the cramps constantly remind me that I'm broken and don't work right and it's taking a serious mental toll.

I'm so sorry to complain when I know everyone on here is struggling just as much or more than I am. It feels incredibly selfish to me. I just don't have anyone to talk to b/c I've isolated myself so much.
So thank y'all again for listening, it means more than you'll ever know.

*hugs and prayers*
Ash

5

good to hear your taking positive steps hun. we here know how you feel. you vent all you need to we’re here to listen and lend support. you get a big pat on the back and a KUDOS…at least your attempting to do something to help yourself yeah! God bless you hun.

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Ash, please share anything and everything that you would like with us, that's what we are here for; we are here to "listen", here to help, and here to support you. Don't ever hold back and know that you are never alone. I am really so sorry for your pain; I hope and pray that it eases up for you very soon. And, I am so happy that you are being picky about a therapist, because that's an important person in your life who is going to help you through this and help guide you.

Please continue sharing with us, we are always here for you.

7

Ash
Hi I am bettyboop63. I am new to this support group. I read your journal page and I certainly know how it feels to need to vent. So I am glad you did.
One thing you said that I can relate to so very well is,
"I should be happy, so why am I sad?" Although I have a lot going on, chronic pain, empty nest syndrome, and depression for instance, I still have a lot to be thankful for. However, it seems like I can not feel happiness at all sometimes. I just feel so out of control. I take an anti-depressant, but it does not seem to work well lately. I guess a pill can't fix everything.
I hope you do not mind that I also needed to vent a little, because I know you need a pick me up, but maybe it will help to know someone else relates.
I hope you feel better soon. I know feeling good is sometimes very hard to do, but it can be done. I know it can, because I have felt happiness before and I will again.
Hang in there,
bettyboop63

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betty boop

love the name sometimes life is sad and we need to embrace the emotion to move on again
yes we all have a lot to be happy for but sometimes we need to wallow in our misery so that we can move forward knowing we have paid homage to the whole of our emotions and let them have a turn at leading the way

most people dont want to live with sadness and i see u have empty nest going on nothing is harsher than finding u are no longer needed to be the cleaner the comforter the cook etc and most people will be encouraging u to move on and do things cos u can yet sometimes its ok to stop and look at the washing machine and think hmm just a few years/days ago u were working overtime to do the kids clothes the silence of the phone is unnerving when its normally ringing off the hook to give the kids a social life so take the time to say good bye to things and then count your blessing as u move forwards

love D :)

9

AshleyLynn,
Hi. I am very new to to this site. I have found it very helpful and hope that you are too. I am amazed at the amount of people who are willing to listen and offer suggestions and just a caring, listening ear. I can understand part of what you are going through. I currently am out of work due to a major back injury I got in June. It has been a total nightmare. I was actually going to see if maybe you would give me your email address. Your story sounds so much like my sisters. She is 32 and has been down the road of bolimia/anerezia(sorry my spelling sucks). She has the endometrios very bad too. She is married and wants kids so bad but has been told she will never get pregnant. She was also diagnosed with cushions disease. She was always heavy growing up as we all were. She did the b/a and lost alot of weight; too much if you asked me. Anyhow, with cushions she gained so much weight and hates how she looks. She luckily has a very supportive husband who means the world to her. You mentioned a family who loves you; lean on them. Families are wonderful if you are lucky enough to have a great one. I have an awesome family and that is what gets me through. Let me know if you want to talk to her and I will mention it to her. You can send your email through the private send a message if you would prefer too. I am thinking of you and send lots of hugs your way.
Kerry

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AshleyLynn,
Please always feel free to tell us how you feel, without being judged. We know you are not just complaining because we also have serious problems that we need support with right now.
Also, life does not offer guarantees, but it always offer hope. For example, I have a friend who suffered from low self esteem most of her life. She was in an abusive marriage for twenty years. Then he left her and, at fist she was crushed.
Eventually she met a man who loved and respected her for who she was. He tells her everyday how much he loves her and how beautiful she is. They have been together now for two years and are very happy. She literally did not find the love of her life until she was forty seven. It is never too late for hope, nor is it ever too late to find happiness.