I sit up at night and eat things I know I shouldn't. There's

I sit up at night and eat things I know I shouldn't. There's no good reason or excuse because I know I can stop myself, I just don't want to. I only get free time at night and that's when I really get sad. The snacks comfort me somehow. I can feel my stomach reaching its limits and I still think in my head that I'm going to eat more. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I guess it depends on how much I want my stomach to hurt later. I think I do it because in that little time I'm eating whatever it is, my brain shuts off and I don't think about anything. I'm not stressed, or tired, sad or lonely. I'm just enjoying that moment of eating. Its especially gotten worse since there isn't much to do anymore and not working or having a car has hindered me tremendously. I walk sometimes but I don't even have the mental energy for that much anymore. I feel like I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back all the time. It's a constant battle but I'm trying my hardest not to give up. I know there must be some reason I am still here. I have some purpose. I just wish it didn't have to be so sad trying to figure it all out. I've had a lot happen in 3 years. Death of family (parents died 5 months apart) and friends, assault which resulted in a child, mental, emotional and verbal abuse, loss of job and car, hair loss, illness, loss of 5 year relationship and postpartum depression. I probably should have given up a long time ago but something in me keeps fighting. Even when I cry so hard and so much my head hurts for 2 days straight, I keep fighting. I have this one life and I'm going to figure out a way to eventually enjoy it. I'm going to figure out how to smile or laugh without bursting into tears. I'm going to learn how to make friends and go out sometimes to enjoy myself. I'm going to hold my little girl and kiss her sweet cheeks and let her know how much I love her. And even if I never manage to figure it all out, I'm going to keep trying. I have to right?

2 Hearts

We all have those feelings at times-please don't feel you are alone. Have you considered seeing a counselor? It just seems like a lot to try to deal with alone-and I'm sure you want to be the best mama you can for your daughter. Please post back and let us know how you are doing.

I am currently seeing a counselor for free though she capped the sessions to 12 and we've already done 9. I know I will need more sessions afterwards but I am not financially able to pay for more sessions :( I need to find a way of coping until I can start working again and can pay for more therapy. Honestly it is a lot and I even left some things out. I feel like I'm going completely insane but I can't afford to, not for my sake or my daughters. I wake up every day and try that's all I can say.

@JM1320 i don’t know what city/state/country you live in, but many hospitals’ outpatient clinics offer free therapy for patients that can’t pay, psychology students in programs at universities might offer free counseling. many times, but not all, the clinicians are students getting their masters in counseling, etc. medical neighborhood clinics are also a good resource for free – or sliding scale – therapy. years ago, i had student therapists for a low cost and several were really quite good & effective.

You know whenever I feel like there is no meaning to life anymore, I like to think of my future children and they give me comfort. I always imagine a daughter who needs me and loves me unconditionally and that is what gets me through many things. One time I really wanted to self harm, but I came across a quote, it said that I don't want my daughter to see my scars and think that it is okay to hurt yourself, and that stopped me, my daughter my strength. I know that I can't understand what you are going through, I just wanted to give you a little bit of my strength, I really really hope that you can overcome what you are going through. God has sent you an angel to keep watch over you. And we all are here for you.

@Incroyablegirl This may sound silly but she saved my life. She truly is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for giving me a bit of your strength. You have no idea how much it was needed and appreciated.