I think I have BPD

I have a severe inability to regulate my emotions. Since I was a young teenager I've had uncontrollable rages. The kind where I break things and hurt myself with objects. I have been very weak in resisting sexual temptations, to the point where I have been unfaithful to my wife numerous times, to include one-night stands, long-term affairs, and even got another woman pregant. I am at the verge of losing my family and everything I know to be my life.

I am currently going to marital counseling (individually) and have seen a psychologist for my mental health.

The thought of losing my wife is sometimes overwhelming. She has already had a retaliatory one-night stand with another man and it has tormented me ever since. She has been talking to other men. She really like one guy and today told me she is not going to pursue anything with him. At least not until she figures out what she's going to do with her life, with me. She says she cannot work on our relationship and seek revenge at the same time as it is counter-productive. She is thinking about the kids more than anything, as she should.

Currently I am slowly coming to terms that the decision is her's, I cannot control her. I love her and my two kids, I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. I am seeking help for myself, for my own self-improvement, not to keep her. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy again, even if that includes letting her go.

These are all things that up to very recently were not sitting well in my head, it has been a very hard pill to swallow. I know I will be OK in the end, but right now I feel like I'm driving 100 MPH towards the edge of a cliff.

I am sorry if I haven't made much sense in this post. I have posted on the infidelity and divorce groups, but after posting and reading one of the comments, it sounds like I'm doing this to save my marriage. I need to save myself.

Keep letting your thoughts out as this will in time make sense for you to be capable of taking something positive out of an unfortunate history thats been created & please keep in mind your children for they did not have any say so in your choices that you've made & now the focus of both parents will not be on them 100% as it should of been from the start as that opens up a whole other can of worms later in life.

All my strengths.

April

Thank you all for you comments. Currently I've been mostly stable but still accentuated by moments of panic, fear, pain, and very negative thoughts. It's like a runaway train. I am in such pain for I did to my wife. With or without me, she deserves to happy. I want to be a better man than the one I see in the mirror, for myself, and for my family...even in my abscence. I hope still reasonable state of mind lasts and gets me through this.

Am sure as you continue to better yourself you will eventually ease your uncomfortable feelings. Please try to keep in mind that your wife will go through a series of processes that she will need to do & if your capable of supporting her regardless/unconditionally you will both have a better understanding of eachother, again it all takes time, be patient.

All my strengths.

April