Hi! I am realizing that my shopping addiction is definitely coming back and I need help!
My background-my dad is a compulsive gambler and I grew up in a completely disfunctional household. I’m the oldest of 3 kids and my dad went into Gambler’s Anonymous when I was 11. My brother was 6 and my sister was 3 so they did not have the same experience I did. I was bullied a lot as a kid and have been in therapy most of my life. I have never really felt good about myself at all. I skipped 2nd grade because I was way smarter than my peers but I wasn’t emotionally really ready for being in 3rd grade.
I am married for almost 22 years and have a 13 year old son. I am always shopping online but I am not a hoarder. My mom gives us $1000 a month on an Amex card for my son but I am constantly using that to buy clothes and makeup for myself so I am going way over that. She doesn’t check it but I feel completely guilty. I am at the highest weight I have ever been by a lot. I have a Gap credit card that is maxxed out and am still paying off another closed credit card.
I am completely angry and resentful of those who have a lot of money. I am so angry and jealous of my brother and sister who have houses and make more money than me. I am so resentful of my parents and they are older and not well so I don’t want something to happen to them while I still carry this resentment. I am so embarrassed that I still live in a one bedroom apartment with my husband and son (that I own) and I want to move within the next year. By the way, my husband’s relationship with money isn’t great either.
I got into trouble in my work review this year because I shop too much online at work and I get packages sent to work to hide them from my husband.
I think I need help!
1 Heart
I have no experience or meaningful thing to say, but I’m sure someone will comment and tell you something helpful.
First, I want you to know that you are not alone here. It is very important to recognize there is a problem and you are doing that. Congrats!
In addition to support groups, I was able to find the following:
Reddit being a bigger platform it is likely you can find some resources there. SG is more intimate and less intimidating for interactions. I think for now you can use both platforms if you find it useful.
It goes without saying that these platforms are complements for treatment. You should try getting some therapy.
1 Heart
You’re right - it certainly sounds like you have a problem with overshopping. The first thing I suggest doing is addressing your “resentment of people who have money”. I’m a big Louise Hay fan and she writes that resentment is like poison - eliminating it is where healing begins. It sounds like some people in your life had made good decisions about how to generate and handle money. Good for them. Instead of resenting them for it, maybe you could learn from them. Your mother making $1000 available to you for spending on your son and you is very generous. Instead of resenting your parents for having the means to do this, try feeling gratitude toward them. It is very healing to feel gratitude for all the blessings in our lives. You have a family that loves you. BIG WIN! I’m assuming you have your health. Sounds like you have a good partner in your husband, even if managing money isn’t his specialty. But you can get smarter about handling money. I’ll make a few suggestions that I think will help you along. First, I think you should try a Zoom meeting of Debtor’s Anonymous. It’s a great program that attracts a lot of overshoppers (that’s how they get into debt). You can find a list of their Zoom meetings on their website. You can listen in - not say a word if you don’t want to. You’ll hear long timers who have gone from living in debt (credit cards and personal loans, among other forms of unsecured debt) to paying off their debt and living within their means. The are happy individuals who have really turned their financial problems around. There will also be newbies like yourself, some who are swimming in debt. They need a plan to get out of it, and that’s what DA helps you do, among many other things. And speaking of debt, there’s a great and highly readable book called “How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously” by Jerrold Mundis. I frequently recommend this book. It’s not boring at all - and makes money matters - including how to deal with creditors - very understandable. Both Mundis and Debtor’s Anonymous will encourage you to make a monthly spending plan. This is a very important tool in learning how to live within your means, pay off your debt and start or continue saving. You can also allocate money to shop with - you’ll just have a limitation on how much you spend each month. Another good book that I think will help you is “To Buy or Not to Buy” by April Benson. She was a pioneer in the field of overshopping, and this book discusses everything from what may have started us down this path to what we can to stop overshopping. It’s a very good book, and they also have a website with coaching available for a price. And back to your resentment… I recommend “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay, or really any of her books. She’s got some wonderful affirmations and mediations that can help you release resentment. I think if you follow these suggested steps you will make some real progress towards your desired financial freedom and a happier life. Best of luck to you and your family!
1 Heart