I think I may have PTSD. My wife was addicted to pain killer

I think I may have PTSD. My wife was addicted to pain killers and tried to kill herself multiple times and me. I had to make a decision on whether to put her in a mental institution or not. This went on for about 7 years and eventually broke me. During that time I was mentally and sometimes physically abused and kept telling myself that it's the pills and not her and kept telling myself that I'm being a good husband keeping her safe. I spent everyday for many years coming home from work wondering if thats the day I came home and she was dead since she treatened killing herself when I was at work everyday. She would tell me everyday that I should have died instead of my twin bother that died when we were kids. She's off the pills now and living in a different state but I can't get past everything that happened. I keep reliving it all in my head. It's like I don't want to forget and keep beating myself up for everything that happened like it was my fault and I let it go on for so only and get that bad. It's almost like it's a part of me that I don't want to forget and want to keep reminding myself about it. I really think I have PTSD from it all and think that the whole experience really fuc*ed me up

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I know what it's like to get physically & verbally & emotionally abused, part of why it's super difficult for me to trust anyone, hence the high unsuccessful rate on relationships...it takes a toll on u& i'm sorry u had to go through that...we're here for u..xoxo

Im sorry you went through that over such a prolonged period & still experience the after effects. For many years each day i would wonder if it would be the day my family were all dead (constant threats of suicide & killing). It is like going through the grief of loosing ones u love again and again... As horrible as the experience & trama is a part of me also does not want to forget - in reality despite that i felt like i was stuck in a nightmare it was a part of my life and contributed to who i am today.. Forgetting it would be like forgetting a good percentage of my life and then i feel fragmented.. It would be nice to remember without it haunting all the time though and more like just a passing by of memories. I hope you can stop beating yourself up and let go of the constant reminder in your head.. Im still searching for that balance of remembering without feeling trapping in the pain and turmoil of ptsd...

Thanks for the words. I don't want to forget but want to let go of it. I don't know or if I want to get back to how things where. I have to much self respect now. I would feel like such a piece of sh*t pushover if I went back to her. I love her but don't know if I'm in love with her. I just feel like this whole thing is a part of me know. I can't explain what it feels like to spend you're life coming home every day wondering if the wife is still alive. And then to take abuse only to think that you're doing the right thing and being a good husband keeping her safe because she's sick. I don't know maybe it's just me venting. I haven't found anyone that can relate.

1 Heart