I think I've been suffering the same as you guys but not quite sure. Let me give you a brief run down of who I am and how this s**t started. I'm a 22 year old male, ever since I can remember I've been in to women, always looking at women, finding them attractive, been in relationships with them, loved sex always thinking about the next girl I was gonna sleep with, had fantasies about them, I've never once before this ever questioned my sexuality. Anyway, it started when I was 18 and was on a building site working for my for my dad, I was asked to carry some chip board into the back garden, I did this and as i put them down my eyes came into direct contact with another mans arse, completely unintentionally, but my head immediately started saying 'your gay, your gay'. For days on end it completely consumed me, I was scared to go into work because I would get horrible images in my mind about co-workers, it made me feel uncomfortable and quite frankly sick, anxious at all times about where eyes where, I went into this shell. at this time I had a girlfriend and my attraction was still there towards women. She then fell pregnant and because my mind was focused elsewhere these thoughts stopped and I thought they had gone.but every now and then I would get a thought would remind me of what happened. The relationship ended we went our separate ways, my attraction to women at this point was very strong, well it always had been. Now about a month ago these thoughts came back and stronger than ever, I sit in my room all day now constantly arguing with myself wether I'm gay or not, checking for signs of arousal towards these unwanted images in constantly getting, I cant be near other men who I would normally say are good looking guys without anxiety playing havoc with my head my attraction to women seems to have faded and I'm panicking about it all the time, constantly reviewing the past to see if all the feelings I had felt towards women had been true. This is getting to much its caused depression, I've been signed of work and rarely go outside anymore. Also I like to state that in no way am I homophobic, I've had friends who are gay, work colleagues and also a cousin was gay. I think I may have had a few ocd tendencies in the past although undiagnosed. Please can any shed abit of light on this so I know what I'm dealing with hear
It sounds like you're dealing with what we all are dealing with: HOCD. It is a monster, and it is something that will twist everything you thought you knew about yourself because that's how OCD works. It is normal for you to feel uncomfortable around men when you have HOCD because it attacks that part of you, it makes you feel like you've been lying to yourself or you're in denial. Don't check for arousal it only makes it worse. Watch eddy defoes videos on YouTube to get a clearer understanding of what this is.
Ok thank you so much for your help and I've watched the videos on eddy Defoe and they've helped me understand what it is
Hey mate im in the same boat as you. It all started at around 18 and now 19. I had a beautiful g
for 2 years and lost her because she couldnt seee me suffer anymore. Now shes having fun and being with other man which also makes me happy but at the sametime hurt. Im sorry to say but everyone who gets hocd will hit the bottom. Thats when you can start to get better. However u need to enjoy yourself do activities u love you have to force yourself to do things mo matter how hard it seems. This is called ERP. If u need someone to talk to just pm me. Im in the same boat as u. And with people saying all this scale for sexuality isnt ment for us because we do not enjoy the thoughts but sometimes ocd says we do. But we get so much anxiety that we get sick and drive us to suicide.
Oh my friend, this is definitely HOCD! Very similar thing happened to me! I was at church and caught my self looking at another girls butt! It's what us girls do: we observe! I found myself to keep looking at it, not sexually just curiously And my brain FIRED off a thought in my head "that's not normal to look for that long you are homosexual" I couldn't shake the thought for a very long time. It consumed me. That's all I thought about. It then escalated into more than just that it was more a denial of who I had been all those years. I'd always been attracted to guys, thought they were cute and wanted to marry one. Never once fell for a girl in that way! And now my brain was telling me "well you're having these thoughts because you're gayness is coming out" and that "straight people didn't deal with these thoughts EVER so this had to be gay". The thoughts consjmed me, then something changed. It was VERY gradual don't get me wrong. It did not happen overnight. It took a lot of time ( I didn't see a therapist although that might have sped up the process, I did it myself). I tried my best to stop Freaking out when I had a "gay" thought. That's not to say they stopped coming. Oh heck yes they still came. And my brain kind of started rewiring itself. It's hard to explain, but basically don't freak out over the thoughts. Stay calm and don't push them away. It will take a while for the frequency to calm down of the thoughts. For me i didn't give myself a time limit that is way too much pressure on someone with enough anxiety. Just treat yourself kindly, and DONT push away the thoughts, just see them as what they are: thoughts!!! It is your HOCD and your brain will tell you every little thing to make you believe it is not, thAt is exactly how OCD thrives!!! I hope this helped, I don't come on here regularly since I am over my HOCD, but I do hope this helped!
Thank you all so much, I'm gonna try all the things that you have recommended and also try not to sign into this forum for a while. Thank you all for the support and I will raise a glass to anyone who has had to deal with this ****, truly the most difficult time I've ever had in my life, stay strong everyone, we can beat this monster