So. Quick backstory,my wife and i have been married for 13 years. We had both just decided on our own that we were going to quit drinking (her) and doing drugs (me) before we met. Match made in heaven. Long story short i have managed to stay off drugs since i quit 13 years ago. but she has had a handful of relapses drinking during our marriage. She cant drink. It has almost killed her 3 times and her whole life unravels very fast. Beautiful woman inside and out when shes sober. But drinking its like her soul is stolen from her, and she treats herself and the people around her very badly.
In 2021 she had another real bad relapse. Mind you, we had already been drinking socially for about 4 years, but it was happy, productive, kept it in check. Now we know it cant be like that again,and we knew it then but gambled i guess… it was working and everyone was happy, maybe knce or twice a month we would go out. Never any alcohol at home. Anyhow in 2021 i had a music convention i was invited to for 5 days. It workdd out so that. I could attend. We are from ca so its a big deal. My wife decided to go out with some friends, and i guess she took advantage of me not being there and went wild. Drinking every day, and when i got home it had already gone too far. She couldnt, or didnt want to stop… i had a gut feeling that something had happened that made her want to keep drinking so she didnt have to face it. She told a month or so later, when the drinking was compounding and getti g much worse, that she had been at the bar alone and playing pool with some out of towners, then when the bar closed they wouldnt let her leave and ended up having their way with her. It killed me to think that, but it started to make sense why she was drinking so heavily. Moving forward about 2 more months, she had finally been taken into an alcohol detox facility. She was there for about 16 days, went thru hell but when i went and picked her up, i could tell that she was on her way to recovery. 1000 days later and she hasnt had a drop. BUT. When i picked her up, we had only been in the car for about 10 minutes and she told me that she had made that particular story up, that it didnt happen. I dont know if i can believe her. Its like that was the main thing on her mind and she needed to squash it inmediately. It was weird. I was judt happy to have her back and was prepared to deal with that stuff way later, not on the ride home. It got me thinking that maybe she messed up but it wasnt like that. Maybe it was mutual and she just wanted it dropped asap because she has a conscience when shes sober and didnt want to tell me the truth at that time.
Well now, almost 3 years later, she has started saying that she thinks we need couple’s therapy.
We havent had much of an intimate relationship since she sobered up this last time, and she blames it on past trauma. Which she does have. Maybe she isnt referring to the stuff i already know about. But the therapy? She said becUse she nedds to know how to say things to me in a way that wont hurt my feelings.
I cant stop thinking about what happened or didnt happen since the first time she said something to me while she was drinking. It is always in my head and festers and i want to jjst ask her but i feel like i need to let it play out. But i dont know how kuch longer i can wait becUse it really does affect how i communicste with her, and im sure it shows qhen im consumed by all of those thoughts. I feel like if she was just 100% honest with me that if aomethi g like that did happen we could start healing instead of waiting and waiting while our relationship suffers.
This is long. Sorry about that,but maybe this website is better than constantly rearranging words on google search and never finding what im lookinv for.
Hello. I hope my reply goes through ok ive been having troubles since i had to make a new account. If this doesnt work right i apologize.
It sounds like you really want to help your wife and find a way to work through all of this so thats great but it does take both people. You know she is going to have to be honest. One thing for her to consider would be AA and get a sponser or two sponsors even. It also would be a good idea for her to see a psychiatrist to see what all shes dealing with. So for an example, maybe she has more than one condition or disorder. Its very common to have more than one diagnosis. If she were to have a disorder that required medication to keep her more stable then that could make a difference for her sobriety and give her more of a chance. Its her responsibility to find the help. Its ok to help and support a loved one but they need to do the footwork. She can make calls to get appointments made and find places like AA then call and find out when and where they have them.
Have you gone to Al-Anon? Check that out too ok.
So, heres a little tidbit of info that i left out… we actually met each other in rehab. I am very aware that this is a huge no-no in the program. However, as much as we were both dead set against marriage (both of us had histories of horrible relationships) we ended up becoming really close friends. We shared every unadulterated story of our pasts with each other, and never made anything remotely sexual for about 3 months… Our friendship naturally evolved to a different level and after a year or so we ended up getting married. We have had an exceptional life, short of the few (fairly short and barely destructive) relapses… The most recent time stands out because it lasted almost an entire year, and was VERY destructive… Towards the end she ended up in icu not once but twice, after 3 or 4 other trips to the E/R… Long story short, the detox she went to was, in fact, a dual diagnosis facility. She has had massive panic disorder and really bad ptsd from her past, and is a self proclaimed alcoholic. I was drugs… but we went to meetings regularly for the first couple years, then we moved from that area and necer went back. She has been seeing a psych for a while, but currently we dont have insurance so that has been put on hold. . I dont think its a horrible idea for us to go to couples counseling, but she agrees that she needs personal counseling as well.
The thing is, that over the last 13 years that we have been married, she has worked through a lot of it and had made a ton of progress. WE had worked through alot of it together, and im not short of issues so we have been each others support group so to speak, helping each other with this growth. But now, after this last relapse, it seems like all the stuff we worked through is fresh. Like a bandaid was ripped off and now new wounds are there. Shes struggling with issues that she had already dealt with years ago. All of this just makes me feel like maybe something “new” did happen this last time. I feel like that was what was driving her to want to stay drunk all the time, and for such a long duration. She didnt want to come back from it. Like she needed to stay that way because she couldnt face up to whatever had happened. Sober, she wants the same life we always had. Shes a wonderful mom and person, such a polar opposite from when shes drinking. But had it not been for me getting her in that detox she would have died. So she had no choice but to be sober again, which she absolutely wants, and since then she has been the same woman she was before, views and values, etc. . Except this time theres more baggage. She isnt good at holding things in and i have a nagging feeling that whatever happened is eating her up. I feel like we need to do counseling but i also think that stuff will finally come out and i dont know if im ready for it. I am, but this has been renting space in my head for so long, and i have a million scenarios floating around up there. As much as i want her to sit down and say “we need to talk”, and drop the “i know you arent stupid i just wasnt ready to talk about it”, it still seems like too much to deal with. But i know we need to do this to start healing. (if “this” isnt just some idea i created that has no basis at all) … it has literally driven me crazy wondering and speculating. She always tells me she does not believe in cheating. Especially in marriage. But she can still have that belief in light of something like that happening while she was fighting her demons. Ive just learned to trust my gut over the years. And my gut has been telling me that something is amiss ever since everything happened over that year of her almost drinking herself to death. I know my wife very well. And i can tell shes holding back and i know there has to be a reason. I also know that if there is something, we will be this way until she talks to me about it. Meanwhile im going to use this site. It feels like a therapeudic way for me to get things off my chest and maybe gather some insight along the way. Please forgive me for writing novels. Theres just too much to make these posts short and sweet.
Hey there, your post are never too long, all of it makes sense i understood all of it. You may be right about her holding something back. As you know anyone that has a drinking/drug addiction can get themselves in pretty bad situations when they are using. A person can call it whatever they like but it can be horrible for the person to say the least. Maybe if you start thinking about when she was drinking she wasnt in her right mind, her mind was completely altered so if she did something or something happened to her, or both, maybe she couldnt even protect herself. It can be a bit different for women. If a woman is in a bad way completely under the influence, a man can easily take advantage of that. It isnt that way usually for a man under the influence a woman usuakly cant over power a man.
I know that no matter what all of us are responsible for ourselves we should put ourselves in high risk situations and learn from poor decisions. If you have a strong feeling that she cheated then you have options. I vote for being direct and tell her how you think and feel so the least she can do is just come strait out with it and tell you. You will be better off because you already feel something so it just needs to come out and whatever happens…happens at least you will know.
Your wife mentioned couples therapy. Why not go ahead and follow through on that? Perhaps that would be the best place to explore your nagging thoughts.
I was thinking about maybe going to therapy on my own first… then i can unload all of the thoughts i have been having about the situation without appearing like a freak in front of my wife. Its a delicate Post. And if im super far off base itll come off wrong to her. And probably make her close up more. Idk it obviously bothers me. Almost like im the one that blocked something particular that happened and instantly went into denial. and its nagging at me. Either way i know we need to do something. Maybe the outcome wont be the way i think itll be even if there is stuff she wants to share. One thing about drinking together for the “once in a blue moon outing” that we did together before things went off the rails is that we would sit and talk without holding anything back. But we cant do that so i guess therapy it is…