I spent July feeling stronger than I ever had... like I was finally beginning to see my potential to be free from this hell. I started therapy and got a dietician and was actually enjoying my meal plan. I felt so uplifted journaling and appreciating all the feelings I've been carrying...
Until the depression hit last week. And I've never felt anything like it. Isolating, all-consuming, pain. My eating disorder has always masked these feelings and made me not have to face them. Now that I am... I feel like I'm losing it. My eating disorder is telling me lies and they're so welcome and familiar... run more, eat less then I'll start feeling better... I feel so weak I have no motivation to get better. I feel miserable. How do I find hope for recovering when my depression feels unbearable?
PV,
I hear you... ♥ I experienced a big upsurgeance of depression as I worked my ED recovery, too. After beginning therapy last September, I tried my best to "deal" with the depression that has plagued me for many years. Last April I reached my breaking point. I finally called a psychiatrist to discuss medication... And that has made a TREMENDOUS difference for me! Not everyone needs pills. But I did! And I wish someone had suggested them sooner... I couldn't handle the hard work involved in recovery when I was too depressed to do anything other than sleep. :0/ I needed the antidepressants. And I have discovered so many benefits of them! Not only am I better able to embrace the hard work of recovery, but I am also able to interact with people more; I am less consumed by social anxiety. I am able to stop obsessive thoughts with greater ease. I still feel my feelings. But now I CAN feel them. ♥ Rather than being buried by them.
Wishing you luck! ♥
Love,
Jen
Thanks for commenting Jen it makes me feel so much less isolated to know you understand these feelings. I had never considered medication because I didn't want to just numb my feelings in a different way, but your last couple sentences stood out to me...I feel buried. I'm going to talk to my therapist tommorow. Thank you for your perspective :) I've heard so many misleading things about antidepressants
PV,
I am not sure i can answer this but i at least wanted to provide you with some reassurance. I get depression in waves and it only came 14 years into the ED. I never really had depression throughout my time with the ED. I am not sure what got me ought of the depression at the height of it but 2 things which helped were not isolating myself and exercise. I know that these are precisely some of the things which are difficult to do when you are depressed and i realise that exercise might not be wise depending on the nature of your ed. It may be worth looking into more meditative exercise (swimming for some, yoga for others). As well as getting out into nature with others. Even if this means seeing 1 friend for an hour a week.
Something, so that you still feel connected to society. Depression is something i would not wish on my worst enemy. I feel even more powerless with it than i do with the ed. But, i think there is hope that even as we look into tackling the ed, we have to do the same with the depressive thoughts. I told my therapist that i was worried about the depression returning when i start eating and she said that we may have to face it head-on and look at the root of it.
I know different things work for different people so i just wanted to throw some ideas out there. Please keep searching for the right solution for you.
It does exist.
Wishing you well.
Sreb
xx
Sreb, your reassurance is greatly appreciated... especially your concern of your depression returning when you start to eat because that's exactly what happened to me. I felt like I was losing my mind this week until I realized that ah, yes, this is depression! Just like I felt it years before my eating disorder took over and started telling me that it was my weight and fat that I hated..
I guess in this light, I have made progress, I can now recognize and actually FEEL this emotion. I like your idea of meditative exercise I've always wanted to try Yoga but running became so obsessive for me. This is a good time to try it, thank you for your advice :) I really hadn't anticipated the pain and work associated with recovery, but this support is keeping me going right now.
Hey PV,
Could it be that your ED behaviours were masking your depression all along and now that you are getting better your depression is coming to a front, and all those feelings that you were "controlling" are now surfacing?
That is what is happening with me and the more I try to get better the worse i feel, but i know this is good for me in the long run. My therapist says i was controlling my emotions with food and now I've taken that away i must just feel these feelings and get them out.
would this sound familiar. I know this is a sucky place to be, but it means you are making progress, so it positive.
Stay strong girl, you are doing wonderfully.
Love to you
MG x
Moongal, YES that is exactly what I feel is happening to me. I had no clue of the intensity of my emotions...I guess they have just been building up all this time. Your words mean a lot to me it's so nice to be able to relate. The fact that you can see this as being good for you in the long run reminded me to really keep my goal in mind too I lost sight this week. Love and good wishes :)