I thought I had posted this yesterday but unable to find the post. Sorry if this is repetitive.
Married just over 20 years and found over a little over 1.5 years ago that the wife was having an affair. We've worked on the issues and while we both admit there's been progress, there's been no major breakthroughs. The major thing that bothers her now is my lack of sexual want and aggressiveness. It's not that the want isn't there...it's the thoughts and visual imagery that come to mind and usually stop me in my tracks.
Wanting to know if there are others that have had this issue and how they have overcome the problem.
I will say that I called this out to our counselor on the first day of our therapy. The fear of never being able to see my wife again as truly "my wife" is something I'm not sure will ever happen.
Thank you for your comments.
Yes I have that issue. I don't know how to make it go away. My wife and I are headed for divorce and I still have issues with her touching me in any way. We hadn't seen each other all day yesterday and when she saw me she hugged me when I wasn't ready. It took everything I had not to push her away. I won't lie I still have the want but at this point even if she wanted to I couldn't do it. One of the good things about divorce is I don't have to worry about this part anymore. I am sorry your going through this. Plus I am sorry I don't have any advice for you. But at least you know others go through it to. Good luck to you.
Well its taken me over 3 years to really feel loving towards my husband. I always loved him and wished the best for him but its taken both of us working towards the same goal of having a better relationship. The images have faded for the most part and I can actually look at him and smile and mean it but hes had to really prove himself. After dday he called the AP and told her to never contact him again, hes gotten rid of his social media, gave me his passwords, and has become transparent. Yes there have been setbacks along the way but we have worked through them, it's not easy and it takes some tough discussions.
@Kas1966 what were the toughest decisions you had to make in recovery?
I had a really difficult time with trying to understand and trust that my husbands motivations for wanting to stay and rebuild our relationship were for the right reasons. I really questioned why someone would sabotage their relationship so brutally and then turn around and tell me how much he loves me and wants to make things work. I really struggled with trusting that his motivations were genuine, and not just out of guilt, and convenience. We both discussed this individually with our therapist and each other, but it’s really taken the better part of four years for me to believe in his love and dedication and to understand, on an emotional level as well as an intellectual level that his affair was not about me at all, and was not even about the other woman. It was about his insecurities, ego, depression and general emotional immaturity. I would say that it’s taken his consistent actions to show me his love, remorse and dedication to rebuilding over time that have led to a new deeper trust and emotional connection. With that kind of emotional connection comes a much deeper and meaningful physical connection also.
@devastatedinptbo well done for sticking it out while all that got figured out. I do believe that going through that journey together makes for a stronger more understanding relationship. Appreciate your thoughts on that
The concept of not trusting their motivations really sticks with me.
I sometimes find myself wondering if my wife has chosen to stay with me because it's "safe" and to preserve our family... But secretly still wanting a relationship of some sort with the AP.
@jamiemaddrox2020 Interesting because I found myself wondering if I stayed because of fear of the unknown so I guess that could be considered safe. I didn’t feel safe with him but more of the situation if that makes sense.