I truly feel for the first time in almost 4 years, untethe

I truly feel for the first time in almost 4 years, untethered by the past, untethered by resentment.
ive broken free from the event horizon of the sucking blackhole of the past

I'm looking towards the future and living in the present and leaving the past behind where it belongs

my wife and I have decided to divorce. Papers have been filed and we are negotiating settlement w our lawyers.

for almost 4 years I've felt trapped in a room that only had 2 doors.
neither of the doors were the right choice for me

door one - stay married. I didnt want to be married anymore
door two - divorce. I didnt want to divorce as I believed it would harm my children

once I was finally able to make the decision from a place of peace and calm... the tether that held me, or more accurately, that I held onto , which connected me back to the past...I finally let it go.

I felt free

I felt the resentment drop away

the anger..... the hurt

I'm still working on forgiveness, but I know I have the capacity to make it there.

ive believe the gravity of the past trapped me

but in reality, my choice to not choose, trapped me.

I feel at peace

no longer stuck in stasis in the event horizon...Im now floating on a cloud
there are doors to the past...sometimes they crack open and I can hear the whirlpool of the abyss.
but now, I can simply walk over, and close the door, and continue on my path.
the allure of jumping back into the maelstrom has lifted.

perhaps that was one of my own addictions I have finally dropped.

peace

10 Hearts

I'm happy that you feel at peace. Best wishes to you.

Wow. So glad you have found such peace. I definitely relate to that feeling of being stuck, unable to decide.

3 Hearts

@devastatedinptbo You will find your peace at some point! I know you will!!!

I'm where you were. In the middle trying to decide which door to open and which to close. It sucks

1 Heart

I am still trying to find forgiveness too. Letting that anger go will make your heal better. Rest assured God will heal and he will take vengeance for you.

1 Heart

@johnyun20 vengeance was occupying a large space in my mind for many years, but not any longer

I'm so happy for you. I'm not there yet. After 3 years I still feel stuck between those two undesirable doors.

1 Heart

@hurtbuthealing take your time. Only you can be healed at the right moment.

I think one of the best to know you're making the right decision is when your decision brings you peace. The thought of divorce doesn't do that for me, but it certainly did for my mom and it was absolutely the right decision. Every situation is different. You found the right path for you. Good for you.

1 Heart

@faithfulless Went to Amazing concert last night which ended w the song “Turn Turn Turn”

Saw guy #2 ( of wife’s 8) there last night. He at one point was a friend of mine and played in a band I was in.

I was having fantasies of tripping him on the stairs in the venue and drowning him in the toilet in the basement along w a few throat punches

But then I thought
F*** that
That’s the past
I don’t live there anymore

And I’m listening to one of my all time favorite bands and musicians and music that has inspired me throughout my life

So be here now

And I asked my HP for help to do the next right thing

And I let that sh1t go

there was a few seconds when I actually just stopped in my tracks when he walked past me

Froze

And all these hateful thoughts started to come up

I said to myself

No!
Not today!
Not now!
Not anymore!
Especially not after this weekend !
I’ve no room or use for hate in my life

To ever thing, there is a season

omg, your post brought tears to my eyes. I think you put into words this empty prison cell I have been living in. It's been almost 3 years since D-Day, he acts as if nothing ever happened. He won't mention it, he won't talk to me about it and when I try to express myself, he has this talent of manipulating the conversation either on to me or over into left field. I am unhappy, I think mainly because I cannot come to terms with choosing to remain in a marriage with a liar and a cheat. I will never be able to wrap my mind around how our vows, let alone our infant son, didn't even cross his mind when he chose to do what he did. What he did goes against every moral grain in my soul, things I thought I laid on the table when we were dating. I asked him to find a counselor for us, he hasn't, I think maybe he thought I would forget? I asked him to date me, he hasn't. I think I've been putting off the inevitable, which breaks my heart even more because I really do love him. I can't change who he is though, that is unfair. Yet to remain married to a man who isn't who I thought he was isn't fair either.

3 Hearts

@Jimdub Thank you for the information, and my heart goes out to your friend at church. I have gone through 4, maybe 5, counselors in the past 3 years. The problem with me is my degree is in psychology, including counseling. I sit in their office explaining to them that I will put on a happy face and not share information without being asked the right questions, yet I would give each one about 4-6 weeks and stop going because I didn’t feel they were helpful. They would talk about “How was your week?” or “How are your kids?”, very open-ended and nothing that would dig into me.

How did you communicate your decision to your children? How old are your children?

@metallicat17 my kids are 10 years old (boy and girl twins). we aren’t telling them until after the holidays. My wife and I are having lots of discussion about how we are going to do it.

at one point she said she was prepared to say "mom and dad are divorcing, mom hurt dad very badly", but her therapist suggested not assigning blame.

my goal is to communicate that we love our children, however, we believe it best to no longer live as husband and wife

@gettingintune Interesting perspective from the therapist. The kids will adding blame regardless, either to themselves or to one of you as parents. Unfortunately, I’m guessing it might be you as the person who is unlikely to have custody. You might want a second opinion.

custody is already agreed upon. I had a post nuptial agreement signed 2 weeks after day which was sley in my favor. I've made certain concessions to it at this point, but custody will be 50/50.

I love this part: "there are doors to the past...sometimes they crack open and I can hear the whirlpool of the abyss.
but now, I can simply walk over, and close the door, and continue on my path.
the allure of jumping back into the maelstrom has lifted".

1 Heart

From New Site Discussions to Moving On & Healing