I walk through this life pretending to be someone I'm not

I walk through this life pretending to be someone I'm not. Pretending to be the person I'm expected to be. I have lost myself over time. I don't even know who I am anymore. Wandering through the darkness reaching out to nothing but a shadow. A shadow of doubt and resentment. I'm broken searching for the adhesive to bring myself back to life. The only time I still feel alive is when the knife digs deep and the blood runs. I have to watch it drip to remind me I'm still here.

3 Hearts

Hey there. I see you're new here. Want to tell us a little bit about yourself? We're here to help. And we do that even better than any blade can ever do.

1 Heart

Again I am so sorry I had to cut you off but it was definitely a one-on-one session. It is very rare and with your experience I am sure you have a lot to offer. If you're curious you can go read the exchange

Idk where to even start. My step dad use to abuse me. Growing up I thought it was normal. I can't remember a time I was happy. I don't remember my real dad. I just know he didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was a weekly thing the cops would be at our house for him and my mother. When I got a little older he use to force me into sexual acts saying my mother wasn't satisfying him enough and since he pays the bills he can pretty much get what he wants from who. It wasn't until I made a new friend when I was about 16 that things started to change. I use to go to his house everyday after school until my step dad went to work. It just got worse on the weekends when I was home. Things escalated. Eventually this friend became more than a friend. Of course being a teenager the subject of sex came about. At that point I was terrified of men touching me from what my step dad had done to me. I eventually confided in him. He was 18 at the time. He was moving soon to go to college. He planned on helping me by taking me with him. I felt like I found my Knight and shining armour. He was the only normal thing that ever happened in my life. He was the one who fixed my problems. He saved me. Of course I got more and more attached to him. Eventually we fought a few times over silly things. I couldn't stand not talking to my sister who was still home. He drove all the way back to get her as well and she lived with us for awhile. She had gotten a dose of my step dad as well. Instead of getting help like Jake helped me she turned to drugs. Our house got t raided and Jake was furious. He kicked her out. Which made us fight. I was just afraid she had no where to go. I dropped into a depressive state and it took me awhile to snap out. Eventually Jake gave up on trying to help me. Told me he was sorry but I was now weighing him down and he left me. I was devastated. What made matters worse he started dating not soon after that. I work with the other girl. I want to jump out a window everything I walk by her desk and see pictures of them together. He'll text me at times and we talk and he still tried to listen to me but what else is there to talk about. They broke up for awhile and he started coming around more. I was under the impression he wanted to get back together. I was trying really hard to make things work. He's all I've had that's been something good. I feel like I have been pushed around so much through my life then finally something good comes along and it's gone like that. This happened a few times. Going back and forth. Idk what to o anymore I'm at my with end. I love this man but he's hurt me more than anyone else in my life. I trusted him. Idk where to go from here. My heart isn't even aching NE more. It's just plain numb.

1 Heart

It takes all I have just to wake up some days. Just when I've had enough it seems he texts or calls me. I guess it gives me false hope. I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills last week. He shows up at my door step wanting to talk. After sitting in the bathroom with me for 30mins making me throw up every single one and a trip to the er. He tells me he still loves me. I thought things were fine. Then yesterday he says he needs more space. 20 mins later his relationship status was changed on Fb.

@Mydarkpassengerlives It seems you and him have a toxic relationship. Even though it sounds harsh, you might want to consider cutting him out of your life or at least let him know how it makes you feel when he says the things he say. I see you’ve struggled most of your life and for that I am truly sorry. Of course you don’t need my sympathy, but if you ever want to talk, just PM me. I’ll go and support you now, so if you want to talk privately, just support me back and hit me up. I come here almost every day. I’m not great with advice, but sometimes all we need is someone to listen.

Hi mydarkpassengerlives,
Welcome to sg. I have found many kind and helpful people here. I hope you will find this site helpful too.

First of all, I want to say that I have felt many of the things you feel now. Despair, lost, suicidal, desperate.

Second, I want to say that it is not your fault that your life is a mess and that you feel awful. You have had a really really hard life.

Your integrity and maturity come through, even as you describe your life. You are a good person. You don't deserve to have this hard a life. It can get better. I don't want to overwhelm you with a booklength comment, so I'll pause here for now. To be continued....

1 Heart

@L2015 This is a really nice and kind comment. You’re a good person L2015. They’re speaking the truth @mydarkpassengerlives. You’re worth an effort. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.