I'm so sick of everything. I'm sick of doing things for everyone but myself. I'm sick of trying to live up to impossible standards. I'm sick of trying to get better. I'm sick of life. I dint want to feel horrible about myself, I don't want to be conflicted everytime food is involved, I don't want to starve myself anymore, I don't want to binge eat after days of starving my body, and I certainly don't want to purge anymore!
Why am I even trying to recover. Recovering requires time and effort- effort I don't have energy for. Last time I got better it took a year and I still wasn't one hundred percent. I don't have a year or two, I can't can't can't. I hate my stupid conflicted mind causing more pain. I'm sick of the pain I endure when I eat, not only in my stomach, but in my mind. Why chance it with food. Food is like gambling- you don't know if it will make you sick, how it will settle in your stomach, or if you'll feel the need to purge after. Starving is safe- hunger always feels the same it's constant and safe. Why take the chance.
I just don't want to deal with the pain. I dont want to cry anymore. When I'm normal I feel the pain and when I am in this recovering phase I feel the pain. My ED keeps the pain away. When I choose my ED it protects me from the pain of food and my family. I don't have to deal with it because it makes me numb. Even with self inflicting pain, I never felt it. And when it was cold, I didn't even need a jacket. Why would I get rid of my protector? My security blanket? I just don't have the answer right now.
I agree with everything you have said here. As i read your words, i thought: yep, yep, yep.
BUT (this is a big BUT - not literally), if you were to think in terms of the long term gains of sticking with the ED, i am sure you will find that they diminish over the years. Until the only gain is the temporary pleasure and relief you get. And that only lasts about 5 minutes. In the long term, the ed begins to consume you.
Long term gains of recovery: you get to live a much fuller life (with extra pounds - yes) but those extra pounds allow you to have kids, if you so choose, make you look healthy, allow you to go out to work and participate in life fully. The list goes on and i am sure you could do a better job than me.
So yes, i like you don't want my blanket to be taken away from me, nor do i want to give it up but then i have to think about which voice that is. Mine, or the ed's? You know, the ed will never be satisfied until it has finished us off - death. That is the end road. Whereas with recovery - the posibilities are endless.
No need to apologise for this. I think it is a great post and many of us feel this way oftentimes or at some point even if we don't always acknowledge it.
Maybe also think about what happened in the year of recovery that meant you were not as ed free as you may have hoped. See what you can do differently and what can change.
I wish you well today. It's not easy but i reckon it will be worth it and when you look back on your life in 5 years time, what would it be like if you still had the ed as your blanket and what would it be like if you have taken off this blanket??
Food isn't a gamble when you can learn to trust your body. I'm working on this at the moment myself... ♥ The real gamble is in restricting... And it's a gamble you can not afford to lose. Restricting will lead to one of the following things, unquestionably: bingeing, feeling like a failure, further illness, reinforced ED feelings, dizziness, weakness, fatigue, death... Why not gamble on food? On LIFE? ♥ You're worth that, dear... Sreb is so right; the ED does NOT keep pain away... It might numb you to it temporarily, but I guarantee that it causes more pain than it numbs. And it gets worse as it progresses...
You can do this! You can!! Sending positive thoughts and lots of strength! ♥
Thanks Jen and sreb. Today is a new day and I am seeing that ED was lying to me last night. I'm trying so hard to fight it. It's just hard. Thank you for giving me hope and advice during a tough moment.
I'm going to follow my meal plan today. That is my goal. I can do this.
I know how you feel. Modern society's standards are very high, but it was pretty much high before too. When I look in the mirror I hate what I see. Every roll of fat, every trace of cellulite and every little wrinkle. I used to purge and starve myself too. Strangely enough I overcame that obstacle, but I still use food to satisfy my emotional hunger. I am also recovering from alcoholism and this month I will be 6 months sober. I sometimes wish I can say that it is a temporary replacement for my sobriety, but the reality is that it was there before and I know I can change my eating habits but I can't control my sense of self worth completely. But I try to look beyond looks, in search of beauty in other places. It keeps my mind occupied and I implement my fears, happiness and sadness in creative ways. You see, when you look in the mirror it is just a mere reflection of the interpretation of your own thinking and mind. You can't trust your thinking but you can trust the people who sees outside the box. Those who doesn't see a little piece of the picture but sees the picture as a whole. I can't tell you that it is easy because then I am a liar. But I can tell you that when you embrace your weakness and treat it as an abstract art work, you will see the beauty in it. Keep your mind occupied. Never fear the power of your mind but treat it with respect and dignity and it will give you respect and dignity in return. And sharing your thoughts with others and supporting them in their own struggles are such an important part in the recovery process. You are already half way there. You are welcome to go and read my first journal entry. The whole situation you are talking about is compressed in it. And keep me up to date. I would love to hear from you!
You're right, as long as we look at our bodies to find our own worth, we will be disappointed... WE are not our bodies... It is up to us to take care of them, because doing so will allow us to move through this world with greater ease and depth. We cannot live and laugh and love without caring for the vessel which allows us to do these things...
Drinking, I believe, is a way of distancing oneself from feelings which feel overwhelming. A way to AVOID feeling. Focusing on body weight/size and purging or restricting is another way to condense life's problems into something manageable; it also allows us to avoid feeling... Bingeing is yet another form of numbing out one's feelings. If sobriety is reframed as abstinance from the numbing of one's feelings, I wonder if switching one dangerous coping behavior for another really qualifies as sobriety...
I believe so much in the importance of healing the whole person... In examining whatever toxicity lies in our backgrounds, contaminating our thinking and beliefs about our capabilities. After 13 years of compulsive overeating, I am well versed in the use of food to numb/soothe... When I broke that cycle, I thought I'd hit the lottery! I thought I was CURED!!! Ah, but I never dealt with the things that caused me to overeat to begin with. I never learned how to appropriately deal with my feelings. And thus, it should not come as a surprise, that my eating disorder morphed into anorexia. I was still numbing my feelings: I was simply wrapping this goal in different paper... I think it's common for people that are desperate to avoid feeling to suffer from multiple -isms... I also avoided feeling by turning to work-aholism. Shop-aholism. I was addicted to overeating. To starving. To overexercising. To doing anything "socially acceptable" to distance myself from what was REALLY going on. And my lack of belief in my own ability to LIVE successfully.
I applaud your attempts to tackle some of these addictions! You have stopped drinking!! Way to go!!! As the daughter of an alcoholic, I understand what a BIG deal this is! ♥ I wonder if you are working with a counselor to help deal with your core issues?
Please keep writing, dear! It's great to hear you working through these things. ♥
But Drugs are Drugs, even FOOD. Anything we abuse in the name of it HELPS ME to COPE !
Starving yourself is the first problem.
I was there before.
I was good at it too and today I suffer from the effects so does my brain and body.
This roller coaster is what needs to stop first.
Simply eating several small meals a day and you can lose and maintain weight. EASY !!!!
Seriously, Several small meals and do not eat after 6pm. There is the substitute for the Straving, No Eating after 6pm, then the binging is like eating the small meals over the day.