another Sunday... he left again. He leaves and I fall apart. I don't care anymore. I want to give up. I am not hungry anymore. I want to purge. I don't want recovery... he's not here, and it doesn't seem worth it anymore.
Here is so stressful. Its lonely. I have no true friends. I don't want to do anything anymore. Its not worth it. I just want to sleep and cry.
allee, YOU are worth it. Take some deep breaths and remember you are NOT alone. When you do go to sleep I hope you have some plesant dreams that help you wake up in a happier state of mind.
allee....how do you know you don't want recovery? You haven't experienced it yet! The process is hard and takes time, but I promise it is better than what you are experiencing now.
Please don't give up...you are worth fighting for!! You do have friends...here and at school!
I hope today is a better one for you....HUGS...Jan ♥
LOL, Jan! 
This smacks of “try it, you’ll like it!” 
You’re SOOOO right, though! How CAN we decide whether we want something we have never experienced? That’s not making an informed decision!
Thanks for bringing logic to this common Ed statement.
Allee, please find a way to talk back to Ed! The statements you wrote appear to have been written by him, not YOU… I hope you can dig deep and work to refute those lies…
Love,
Jen
I like what Jan said, about not having experienced recovery yet. Seems like something important to consider. I'm a big fan of a good cry. I don't cry much but sometimes a good cry helps me feel so much better. I get it out, then am able to et up and tackle my problems with a clearer head. I hope that after a good night's sleep, you feel better as well.
Allee,
I know the exact feeling you are having.....He is gone and nothing matters. You do not want to go on and you do not want to fight for anything, if He is not with you. I myself am going through similar things. We have to tell ourselves this is all happening for a reason. A reason beyond our control and that it is to open up a door to a better life. A life where we wake up each day, happy with ourselves first. Then we can truely find the happiness with another and live in peace.
Just the thought of that, waking up in peace and feeling happy is worth all this pain. I am on this journey of life and still trying to figure it out at 46yrs old. Think how lucky you are to be younger than me and here at the same place. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Please continue to reach out. You have so many people on here who care so deeply for you. Please know I am also here for you. Message me anytime you want, I will do my best to give you as much support as possible.
Please stay strong and know this is only temporary. It will pass and is needed for you to experience, so that when things get better, you can truely appreciate them.
I am here for you always!
Hugs,
Lily
Allee, i so know what you feel like right. i too feel i dont want recovery anymore cause it's simply too hard. but try to think of the things you really wouldnt wanna miss in life. for me thats always my pets! if ED kills me i can't look after them anymore, so i gotta keep fighting it.
would you have anything or anyone like that yu could focus on in those really hard times?
xxx
Hi I'm not a doctor just a musician hoping that your terrible blues will leave and never come back! I try to walk every day fast walk 15 min there 15 back min if possible.This ALWAYS brings a smile to my dumb face! so give that a shot--- bye!
Do not give up!!!!!! You can do this!!!!! You will have good days and bad days. Dont let one thing ruin your recovery. Life is so much better without it!!!! If you choose your ED you won't be able to truly live, and who wants that?? YOU CAN BEAT this thing!!!! Dont give up!!!
Thank you everyone for being so supportive and encouraging. I feel bad to write when I am in such shallow moments.
Jan- I have experienced it. For over a year. It was a wonderful time. I don't know why its so hard for me to just let go of my ED. Yes it was still in my mind a little, but I ignored it. But now I am back where I started.
Maedi- That is a great way to keep fighting. For me, I would say what keeps me fighting is my boyfriend. He was the reason I recovered each time. And everytime I fell back, I felt guilty. But I have to fight for him. If I am gone who will be there for him and share his life with him. I want to do that. I have to remember that in times ED is taking over.
Krazy- thank you for the sweet dreams. I know I am worth it. ED puts me down, but I have to tell it to shut up. Unfortunately I didn't have good dreams last night, I woke up in the middle of the night ill. I am off today on appetite but I am eating and not caring about what I am eating, just that I do it. Mechanical eating- at least enough since I am sick.
Thank you everyone! Thinking of all of you!
allee
I'm glad to see you're in a better place today allee <3
Allee...I'm sorry I spoke too soon. But perhaps that year was a 'sample' and not complete? I believe there is a fuller experience for you if you get effective treatment and are supported through the process. Please don't give up. Life is full of ups and downs, just as the process of recovery. The difference is, once you can put this behind you, you can ride those waves much more easily.
Thinking of you....Jan ♥
hey allee, how are you today?
really do hope you feel a bit more positive. i'm trying to get there right now as i can feel everything bad taking over again. i guess i'll force myself to go out for a walk as it's really sunny for once, that might help cheer me up.
could you find anything right now that usually makes you feel better? to make that one step forward again?
let us know how you get on, sweety!
love
maedi
Hey Maedi,
I am great today actually thanks for asking. Definitely a better attitude towards....life. I am going for the eat when you need thing and it is working. ED is not with me today, and wasn't there yesterday much either YAY! Man I wish I wouldn't flip flop feelings so much! I feel crazy. One day I will be like Yeah lets beat this ED and be happy and the next I am like what am I doing why would I recover? Any one else feel that way?
I hope your day gets better. Walks do help, especially when it is nice and sunny outside. Try to ignore ED and distract yourself! You got this. Its a roller coaster ride! Gotta get yourself back up to the top :)
thanks so much allee.
yeah, it’s a constant rollercoaster for me too, even from one minute to the next. i think today only i changed my attitude back and forth at least 4x plus the continuous discussion in my head. a nightmare, and truly exhausting. if we could spend all that energy otherwise we’d be flying by now. or running like husain bolt
anyway, really glad you’re feeling better. keep up the smile, sweetheart!!!
lots of hugs
maedi
Allee, i too go through lapses of wanting to kick ED's stinkin *** then the next day or week just letting him take over my life...it sucks but we can get through it!
flip-flop allee....
have we met? i'm flip-flop amy... [shifty smile]
not only can i feel your frustration, your happiness radiates from the comp screen as well. thank you for sharing. you are NOT alone-
i have the unfortunate inability to advise... but i can empathize.
please keep writing. through your writing and through others', i am able to identify more of my own personal details.
much love and namaste
xo