After much denial, my wife has admitted to an emotional/electronic affair w/ another married man. She has not admitted a physical affair. In either case, I feel a need to know the details of what happened, but she wants to put it behind us and move on w/o doing that.
I also feel a moral obligation to inform the wife of the person my wife is having the affair with. She is the only one that doesn't know; I would want to know in her situation. I was thinking about telling the guy that he has the opportunity to inform her on his own terms; otherwise, I'll do so.
An affair IS an affair...... please proceed w/caution w/what you want to know for it may be deeper than you think, thats just my situation/case that began in '03 but actually started in his childhood 40 yrs prior. I'm sorry, it IS humiliating to say the least, whereas I admire you for attempting to meet it head on be careful.
u think she should go thru all the pain u have suffered for what reason?
it is not your place to tell anyone anything, i cant imagine what u would find to say to the other guy anyway, its not like u can swop info it isnt a footie game,
morally i dont think u should interupt anothers life to inflict pain wihtout having a good reason and an affaire is not a valid reason to blow someones relationship out of the water,
im sorry that u are hurting but your beef is with your wife
no one else
The fact that she doesnt want to tell you details tells me that she hsnt told the full truth and she still has something to hide! thats how it was when in my situation.
Be careful of becoming obsessed with needing all the details. Also, some of it may be VERY damaging. In my case, I begged for details and got them (she told me she told him she loves him). It helped me to try to move on but I became obessed to wanting to find out more...do I really need to know more than that?
As to telling the other victim...do you want to do it to make yourself feel better, to get back at your wife, or to help another person? Once you know that answer you'll know what to do.
Good advice NSOMF!....
Peter c,
Also, April's advice is great as well. Be careful what you think you might want to know. The more details you have of this will only hurt you in the long run. Think of it this way, it will give you more things that will stay in your mind forever. Just knowing someone was indeed unfaithful is enough. You do not have to wonder if they were or think you are just imagining that they were unfaithful. The truth was told to you. I can tell you from experience that any more details than that will surely only hurt you more. Now ask yourself, can you even imagine more hurt or pain than what you are already feeling? Then there is your answer.
I do however have a different view in what others are suggesting you do for the other vicitm in all this. The wife of the other man should be told. Like you said, you would want to know and someone has a moral obligation to this poor woman. Let the other person have the choice to tell her himself though. He did the damage so he should have the responsibility of telling her. If he refuses to do so, well then you have no other choice but to tell her yourself.
I hope you can work things out with your wife. Try not to obsess to much on what happened. More of why it did and what can the two of you do to make things better. Marriage takes a lot of work on both parts and is worth fighting for till the end. Your wife may really be telling you the truth and it was only an emotional affair, however, try to put that behind you and draw closer to each other now. You will know in your heart if there is something more to all this and then you may choose to change course.
But at least give it a chance so as to know you gave it your all with no regrets.
I wish you all luck and happiness in the world.
If you need someone to talk to ever, I am here for you.
Take care of you!
Lily
Hmm...
Trust me, you do not want to know the details. Think about it... There are only so many ways two people can engage in an electronic affair. Why plague your brain with the details? You know how this goes. I know a man whose wife provided details and he can't get those images out of his mind. It's made if very hard for him to forgive and move on. If she wants to put it behind you guys and move on, then find the strength to do that. Please.l
I also don't think it is your responsibility to tell the other man's wife what has happened. Umm... I always want to tell my ex's girlfriend that he texts me to say he isn't over me and that he still loves me, but... What will it do? She may leave him, but will that bring him back to me? No... it will break more hearts and make the people involved angry. It won't inspire love. Leave the other parties alone and work on healing yourself. Making sure the other people involved in this feel the pain you are feeling will not help your pain feel any less intense. I'm sorry... I know (God I know) how much this hurts, and it is so hard to not want to make others "pay." Take the high road. It will provide more settled thoughts than revenge.
Thistle
Counseling. There is no excuse for what she has done and if you make one up yourself you will so this scenario repeat itself plus you will always be looking over your shoulder to make sure she isn't cheating again.
Your trust was been broken and she needs to prove to you that she can be faithful.
She has a weakness for infideltiy for whatever reason and she needs to figure out where that comes from. You can also benifit from figuring out the reason behind her actions and either choose to forgive her, or choose to work on your own self-love.
My situation is still so fresh that I am not 100% how I feel, but I did want to share. At the first counseling session with our therapist, she explained that facts are better than wondering and then asked my husband to provide the details of the affair. At that point, I didn't want to know anything! I cringed when he said her name - I didn't know her but it made it more real - and cried over the details. They weren't graphic, just the basics. These things do still ring in my head nearly everyday, but I think I am glad to know the truth rather than letting my imagination run wild.
As to telling the other woman, I think its a personal decision. Don't make it lightly, and examine your realy reasons for wanting her to know, but in the end you need to do what you believe to be the right thing.
I honestly like the idea of getting the facts. If you want to solve it it's a better idea of knowing whats going on, what happened, and what is going to be done to fix it so it doesn't happen again. And I'd even go so far as to say if it does happen again then this is what I will do as a result because I won't sit back and be heart broken the rest of my life. So your husband has clear boundaries. Do what you need to do to get peace for YOURSELF. Also if it's done right it could lead to a better relationship down the road if your husband is willing to. Listen to his point of view, and let the theropist offer suggestions and a 2nd opinion. If the theropist sees something that you maybe didn't see it will help because it's a different perpective. If they agree with you it's up to your husband to figure things out.
Oh my.... I'm right there with you. There are two types of people, those who need to know in order to understand and those who choose to sweep it under the rug. To me, knowing is a step in the right direction to communication. My husband just this month did the same thing only it was cyber sex, phone sex, chatting, avatar sex, and skype chatting. I find it so hard to deal with because he had no idea who or what he was talking to. He degraded me and our relationship. I feel used, abused, and broken.