I have been doing great with my HOCD. I actually met a great guy (a friend's brother), that I developed feelings for. We haven't spoken for about a few weeks (he's been super busy w/ schooling), but I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. It has come to the point where I would fantasize about the things I would do with him, romantically and sexually. It's the best fantasy in the world for me, I would fall asleep happy. However, last night, was thinking about how it might be if we made love. I then drifted off to sleep and dreamed about me being in the middle of a lesbian threesome. I woke up aroused and disgusted. This made me so scared, I've had an upset stomach all day. I cannot believe this happened in my dream! I don't want to go back to having those dreams again! I don't think I could ever get into something like that. I've been having those arousing feelings all day though. Any time I saw an attractive woman on tv, I spike.
I read this in a forum: "...a man who always fantasized almost exclusively about other men when he'd masturbate (not checking, this was he enjoyed) but legitimately believed he was heterosexual because he'd only date women. The sexual orientation crisis was him realizing that his fantasies and feelings and not his behavior were what determined his orientation. He did not go through a crisis because he somehow stopped liking women and went to men, but because he realized that the was just kidding himself by dating women."
Does HOCD in men differ than women? I don't want the gay lifestyle-no disrespect to the gay community. I'm pretty much crying & sick to my stomach right now because all of these thoughts & feelings have never been so strong. I want to fall in love with a man
someday & have children. why are my dreams about women doing stuff to me/me doing stuff to women??
I have continued getting off on lesbian porn, and it hasn't bothered me as much. I know I have no desire to do that in real life. But now I think, do I want to have that type of sexual experience? My stomach churns yet at the same time it's arousing. Is this part of HOCD or am I deep in denial?
I appreciate the thought. I just get confused on what I think I'm feeling versus what I'm actually feeling. Some days I wonder if I actually am a lesbian, then I get sick to my stomach. I just have no desire to spend my life with a woman. I don't know if I'm in denial, or how to differentiate my fantasies from reality.
To MMB regarding: was doing well w/ HOCD... now I'm in a rut....
I too suffer from OCD, specifically, "Harm O". I truly believe your OCD is playing tricks with your mind. Although our OCD may fall under different catagories, the symptoms are very much the same. Our mind grasps on to a very frightening thought, digs it's heels in and won't let go of it. When I was younger, I also suffered from HOCD, but as time went on it transformed into "Harm O".
Even "normal people" have thoughts and feelings that they consider inapropriate. The difference between "Us" and "Them", is that they pay little attention to the thoughts, whereas "We" think that the thoughts must say something about ourselves or our "TRUE" nature.
I have often feared loosing control and acting on my impulses. I read something interesting in a letter from an OCD sufferer. It went something like this: The more you value something, the more you have to loose and the more you fear loosing control and loosing that which you value. Any way, it sounds to me that you are at an age where having a meaningful relationship with someone is very important to you right now. I believe that you "value" the idea. I also believe that you want that relationship with a man. And I think your afraid of loosing or not getting what you truly want. Your OCD is tweaking hard with your mind.
I'm still trying to work through my own stuff, but I understand what you are saying. I'm doing as much reading as I can trying to learn how to battle this disorder. Be easy on yourself. I trust you.
Hi MMB, I also have HOCD, it drives me crazy... I can totally relate to what you are going through... i see a therapist who is a great help. I also know that when i am interested in a guy or start dating a guy, my hocd gets alot worse... Some times i wonder if it worth being in any kind of relationship to keep the hocd away...At the moment I have just started to see a new guy and the hocd is worse, but i am pushing through each moment, as I think in the end it will be worth the effort. I am in no way on top of my hocd or any kind of expert, but i am told that the more you check the worse it will get. I also get scared of hurting the guy iam dating, in case I end up gay... HOCD... its aweful.. if you want to be intouch and chat that would be cool.. I think the more we can help each other the better..
I was in a relationship with a guy before, for 6 months. My HOCD was virtually non existent! He actually had a lesbian roommate who had a girlfriend, and I wasn't at all intimidated by them. I think I'm bi-curious. I've never felt romantic feelings towards another woman, but I also remember being curious about their bodies as a kid. Is that normal for someone who identifies as being straight?? But you're right Angemarie, the more I would check, the worse I would feel. I guess I"m just anxious to meet "Mr. Right".
I am no therapist, and I am really ignorant upon what HOCD is, but I have to wonder if what you are dealing with may in fact be something a bit more than meets the eye?
Back when I had an active and healthy sex drive, masturbation was a routine practice, especially when I didn't have a partner. I would fantasize about this and that, but after awhile, the fun seemed to wear after awhile.
I started getting more inventive, and even found myself fantasizing about things I'd never do and getting aroused, just as you mentioned. But when I started getting comfortable and intimate with a loved one, the feelings and arousal was then directed to them, thus was able to subside my disgusting thoughts.
Due to my own experience, I wonder if this could be the same for your situation? Has it been awhile since you have had a partner? Even if not, I still wonder if maybe what you are experiencing is more sexual frustration than anything else.
I haven't been intimate for 8 months. I'm holding out for the right person I guess. I owe that much to myself. I want to fall in love before I get intimate with another man again. Because when I get involved with someone, I put my whole heart into it. The past men I have been involved with only wanted sex, nothing to do with me. I think I got involved with a few of them out of desperation.
I really wanted things to work out with the last guy, but of course it failed. Then my HOCD really got bad. I was obsessed with the thought that I might be a lesbian. My dreams were filled with being intimate with women, I would wake up with panic attacks and would have an upset stomach. I have gay guy friends, but I get so anxious around lesbians. If I see 2 women shopping, I think "oh, they must be lesbians" (in reality, it could be 2 sisters or something). These obsessive thoughts are what occupy my mind for 80% of the time.
I can see a pretty woman and think "wow, she's gorgeous, I wish I was that pretty!" and then my loins would start to tingle for just a second. Then it goes away. This is the part where I get all nervous and jittery. I have always had curiosity towards women's bodies. I look back and wonder if it was just being curious, or worry if it was an attraction. (I found my uncle's playboy stash at his house when I was like 10. I looked through it and couldn't stop staring at the bodies of the nude women...).
**with that being said, I also had so many crushes on boys all throughout school. Any rock star, or celebrity crush, cute boy at school, etc. When I got over one boy, I crushed over the next. Was I kidding myself??
Hi MMB, When you decribe what you are going through I feel like you a decribing me... we are so similar. My therapist says I have ocd around lesbians and being gay, but like you I question everything. I was the same when I was little had crushes on many boys and fell inlove with male movie star... When you are a kid you can't make that stuff up, it is just what comes naturally as children, well I know for me had no understanding of sex or adult relationships. I can relate to you when you see 2 women together shopping or something and then the anxiety starts... I also have anxiety around butch or mascaline women ( I mean no offence to anyone) it is not personal or it does not mean I dislike a certain person. It causes me so much anxiety and then I question my own femaleness. I am the same as you, when If i see a pretty female and admire her hair or skin etc, I then get ocd about am I attracted to her cause I think that is nice about her...
This is classic ocd stuff, but I know being told that does not really help... All I can say is if you want someone to talk to when things are bad I am happy to, as I need that also, some to relate to... my friends are great, but can't fully understand... Hang in there, that is what I am trying to do...
I found this website:
http://westsuffolkpsych.homestead.com/10_things.html
A lot of it is total sense to me. and Helps me understand the actual condition of the disorder (or whatever you want to call it)
However, Angemarie, you're seeing a therapist, which would be totally beneficial! I cannot afford therapy, so this website is sort of being my saving grace. Anytime you need to vent, I'm here! Friends can only give you so much support until they think you're plain crazy, or get sick of hearing your rants. But finding someone that can relate to you could give you the support you need!